Look in the Mirror
There are times when you have to step back and look at yourself: your self-image, your mental abilities, your confidence.
Self-evaluation.
In the world of selfies, where people post images with captions, “I look like hell,” but post them anyway, it makes you take a closer look at self-evaluation. If you really thought you looked like crap, you wouldn’t post them. Obviously the poster likes the way they look, and then I wonder if they have a higher opinion of themselves than they should.
Wow, Erica! What a horrible thing to say!!!
Bear with me, here. I’ll get to my point shortly.
Anyone who has paid attention to my postings in the past month or so, knows I’m rewriting my Mistress & Master of Restraint Series- FROM SCRATCH. What a humbling, crippling experience. So I will explain my self-evaluation and a false sense of confidence comment.
Erica has taken a step back and did some major self-evaluation these past few months. In the now, you feel great about yourself: I look good. I feel good. I’m smart. This book is fabulous. Right? Isn’t that how you feel when you look into the mirror of yourself?
A few years ago, I was a bigger girl, and I felt confident about myself. I thought I looked good. (Now, don’t go tar and feathering me, as if I’m saying my size was a reflection of me as a human being. That is NOT where I’m headed with this blog post. I’m long-winded, I’ll get to the point eventually.) Anyway, I was a size 18/20 and quickly gaining ground on the next size up. At the time, I was working on changing my life, all aspects. So I lost weight, dropping down to a 10/12. Yay for me, right? Not really. Because there is fallout from that as well. You start to feel shitty about who you used to be because you still feel like shit now. When I look at pictures of myself- new pictures- I think I look bad. So then I start to question my own sanity. I thought I looked good in images from several years ago, several sizes larger, yet now I feel like crap when I look at myself. Was I thinking clearly back then, then?
My entire life I’ve thought myself as intelligent: quick to learn knowledge that I easily retained. Smarty pants. Know-it-all. With the mistakes I’ve made in the past, where I objectively look at my actions and reactions to the stimulation around me, at the time I felt I was making the proper decisions. Now I think I was a flippin’ idiot.
A stupid, stupid girl.
Stupid girl.
Stupid.
With the M&M rewrite has came a LOT of fallout, especially to my confidence in all things. In order to grow in my craft and as a person, I had to admit defeat. I had to recognize my faults. I had to take the bitter consequences of my actions. I had to look at myself in the mirror and say, “You suck. You f*cking suck, Erica!” Then, and only then, could I move on.
This new humbled, self-effacing person is now indecisive- demoralized. With my confidence destroyed, laying amongst the deleted words of my manuscripts, my world view has shifted.
The Erica from the past thought herself smart, average looking, and confident in her abilities to do her job. The Erica from the present disputes those claims as she cleans up the messes from the past Erica. The Erica from the future is shaking her head, clearly disappointed, and she’s shouting, “Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t make me redo your work because you’re an idiot. Don’t make me stand in front of the mirror and say, ‘I suck. I f*ckin’ suck!’ Don’t make me clean up your messes because you had a bloated self-image!”
Yes, future Erica is a bit pessimistic and bitter, while past Erica was naive, and present Erica is just… resolved.
Where does this leave me, present Erica?
Rolling along, doubting myself, because the past predicts the future. The Restraint I’m writing today (from scratch) will be a Restraint I’m proud of today. But I fear that future Erica will be embarrassed by it, and will want to go back in time and kick my behind. Just as present Erica longs to do to past Erica.
As I go back to Restraint, where I’ve deleted 3 out of every 4 words and replaced them with new, I know I can only do what I am capable of as of today. Tomorrow I may be better. But when it’s all said and done, Restraint will be a reflection of who I am today, and future Erica will have a different reflection of herself within a new book. But for the past Erica’s honor and reputation, present Erica and future Erica have joined forces, refusing to allow their naive, younger self to be demoralized and humiliated.
I’m sure I will doubt myself next week, next year, a lifetime from now. But that shows the ability to recognize my faults and grow. If I truly had a bloated self-image, I’d destroy myself with my narrow view. The only thing I have in common with future Erica, at this time, is the fact that my world view is 360 degrees.
Concentrating on M&M of Restraint now.
Yes, I promised Warped before I took a hiatus from Blended and concentrated on M&M.
Yes, I am reneging.
Why?
#1: I’ve published nearly 1,800 pages of Blended in 2014. I think I’ve earned a pass.
#2: I tend to emulate my characters. Writing a Bipolar drug addicted police officer is not a small feat while maintaining your own level of sanity. As of late, I’ve been suffering with the manic portion of my character’s condition. I cannot concentrate on anything for longer than a few moments. To write, one must be able to sit for large amounts of time and be completely within their minds. I can only read the beginning of a book, and then I lose interest at this point. It’s like my mind has been invaded by a swarm of thoughts that just will NOT settle down into something conhesive.
#3: I’ve already written over 100,000 words of Warped. (Restraint is 97,000 in its current state). Warped will be nearly 1,000 pages in length if I write it while inspired, with patience, and without rushing. I want to enjoy what I write, but if I don’t, the readers will feel the emotions infusing the page.
#4: I promised myself I’d NEVER rush-write again, and that is a promise to myself I will never break. I wouldn’t be in this situation if I hadn’t wrote how I did earlier in my career. But I can call upon my ignorance. I. Am. NOT. Ignorant any longer. I have been wizened beyond my years through trial and error and shit writing.
#5: I’ve written well-over a million words since I began Restraint. I’m positive I’ve evolved in my craft, and M&M deserves better. The series deserves the level of writing I am currently at, not what is currently published, silently embarrassing me.
#6: we are coming up to the one-year anniversary to the release of Integrated, the last M&M book I published. If I were to take my time, making Warped as incredible as I believe it will be (hard-hitting, raw- gripping, and emotional), it would be nearing 2 years for the next M&M book. Some authors don’t write a 1000 pages in several years, and to expect me to crank it out in a few months without harsh consequences is madness.
#7: Erica needs a break. I’m drained. Tapped out. The muse is not amused, or inspired, or awake. I slept for hours last night, finally, realizing it’s been ages since I slept longer than 4 hours at a time. It isn’t healthy. It’s a delicate balance: creating books to sell to the masses, versus taking care of yourself. I write book that my fans are hungry to read, but I don’t have a lot of devoted fans in my niche writing. So it takes a LOT of releases to earn squat. But at what cost? My sanity? My health?
#7.5: see refusal to speed-write to crank out books to earn more money. I’d rather write a great book, the first time, and be proud of what I’ve given to the public, than to pad my bank account. I deserve more. The reader deserves more. But most importantly, the STORY deserves more.
#8: Sometimes I just can’t write anew. Sometimes I find immense joy in fixing what I’ve previously written, finding pride in making it better- more. Obviously this is obvious, since I can never leave well-enough alone. Which is why I’m going into Print books. Once in print, it’s permanent, a stopping point for my never-ending obsession with perfection.
#9: I don’t cater to the masses. My books are not for the mainstream. A notion I’m completely ditching during my M&M rewrite. Maybe if I wasn’t trying to straddle the line of normalcy versus how twisted my mind truly is, the readers would feel it, connect with the story, and want to share it with the world. So instead of trying to crank out books to sell more books to a handful of devotees, I’m going to try to write the best books to my ability, to my standards, and perhaps gain some more fans in the process. I think the payoff for all those involved will be greater.
#10: Restraint is getting refurbished: A new cover. A new blurb. A new price point. Both in print and in ebook form. It’s getting completely rewritten, restructured. Because if I demand more of myself as a writer, to write my flagship book to be one of the best books I’ve written, then I should not discount it. As with self-respect, you get what you project. If I give my own version of a masterpiece away for free, in hopes someone will one-click it, and may or may not ever even open it to read its contents, then I’m belittling my own work. If I want readers to know it’s worthy, then I’ll make sure they know its worth. I’m not saying I will never sale price the title, I’m promising it will never be FREE.
#11: I can give a way a lot of books for free or next to nothing, and they may or may not ever be read. But this avid reader/one-clicker/bookwhore, hardly ever reads the free books she collects, but one thing that is for damned sure: if I BUY it, I READ it. If I READ it, I REVIEW it.
#12: I’m pulling myself out of the rabbit hole. If I sell 10 books at the higher price point, it’s still worth more than giving away thousands of books no one will ever read. I will keep the Kindle Lending, Prime, and Unlimited. I will sale price my books for promotions. Books, just because they are offered in ebook form, does not make them any less valuable than one sitting upon the shelves. It still took the same amount of time to write, edit, buy the cover, pay the cover artist, pay Uncle Sam his cut, maintain an at-home office. If the writer is good, then the book will be better. The good writer with the better book shouldn’t have to lower their prices to compete with books of a lower caliber.
I’m not speaking of price gouging; I’m speaking of worth. To say Good Girl is only worth 99 cents is madness. To say when it’s in its print form it will be worth ten bucks just because of the paper it’s printed on is lunacy. It’s 700 pages of my blood, sweat, and tears, of ME on the pages, and to give it away for free, or to only get 30 cents BEFORE taxes per copy…
Yes, anyone can type up a book and slap a price on it, but it takes money to be a writer and survive. It takes even more money to be a damned good writer and show it in your work. We’re all worth more. I’ve just finally figured that out.
#13: My plan, which is subject to change: All of M&M of Restraint, rewritten and republished in both print and ebook, with every book published thereafter as a permanent book. Only one try this time for the Wicked Writer. No more do-overs. I can’t survive it. I either respect and feel proud of the work I’m publishing, or it won’t be published. The first time. No rush-writing. No getting books out to have a new release and keep my links on ppl’s Twitter, Fb, and Goodreads feeds.
#14: Hero will be my next new release.
#15: My apologies, Blended Fans, but I released 4 Blended books, back-to-back, in less than nine months (1,800 pages). It’s The Mistress & Master of Restraint’s turn. But I will never go longer than 2 books per series without going back to the other. No more years of one series without giving a voice to the other.
#16: Blended is finite for a reason. It’s heavily outlined. I even know the final sentence of “THE END”. M&M could be infinite, as along as I have a palate cleanser, affording me the opportunity to give my muse room to grow and play.
17: When I catch up, or when the muse demands some space, you’ll be hearing from my pseudonym. The mystery and the suspense will be that I will NOT tell you who it is. I’ll wait, announce it, and let you all scour goodreads & Amazon until you figure it out. I call myself the Wicked Writer for a reason, and I will derive perverse pleasure as I watch you reason out who my other half is…
Diatribe: Good Girl rants, and Widow.
As of this morning I hit 200,000 words on Widow. I’m now on the downwards slope towards the ending, where I’m tying all the loose threads from the entire book while adding insight for the books to come.
Since I published Integrated, I took a step back to reevaluate myself as a writer. I am determined to eliminate my bad habits, writing-wise, and slow down. A major thread of Widow is regret, and that is channeled from its author. My biggest regret is rushing a story.
When Good Girl was first published, I was proud of it. I thought it complete. I was wrong. I had written 70% of Widow shortly after Good Girl’s completion. I then took a step back and wrote KING, Faithless, The Hunter, Integrated, Hero, and found myself back to square one with Good Girl.
The foundation of the entire Blended series wasn’t right, which made me rethink all of my choices.
The day I had to delete over 200 pages of Widow… was a sad day, indeed.
Originally Widow began where Good Girl ended- that explosive cliffhanger of a scene that changed their family dynamic. I will prove a point now: Rushing would have killed the book and the subsequent books if I had released it over a year ago. All 200,000 of Widow’s words thus far, are before that end scene. It is the entirety of the book itself, with only a handful of scenes wrapping up the novel. Widow, as it is now, with the way the family’s lives have evolved, would never have been written. Warped would have been dead in the water, unable to be written.
After this major change, Warped will be one of my most challenging books. Picking up with Devon in rehab and showing the aftermath of Widow for the entire Blended family.
I’ve had some flack over Good Girl for a few things, things I wish to address now.
DRUG USE: I’m not advocating it, nor am I preaching about it. I’m showing it from both perspectives, and both are very real. I don’t write fairy tales. Drug and alcohol abuse are very present in our everyday lives. It’s not pretty because it’s reality. If this presses a trigger for you, then perhaps you’ve been affected by it at some point, and you should continue to read to see how I show it from the different angles. If you believe I’m advocating use, then perhaps you should continue to read to find out that is not the case. If you don’t believe drugs are everywhere, and as such, they shouldn’t be in books, then perhaps you are living in a world of your own creation. If you just don’t like reading about reality, then the Blended series isn’t for you, so don’t penalize me for it.
S-E-X: If you are on this earth, you were created through sex. If sex offends you, see above post in DRUG USE about reality. I DO NOT write closed-door romance. Nowhere do I say I do. Everywhere I say I don’t. 2 seconds of research through the reviews or my backlist will inform you that I write contemporary romance, erotic romance, suspense, LGBT, and BDSM. Unless I’m living in an alternate universe, I’d expect those to have sexual situations, and I wouldn’t expect the author to be penalized because of it. To me, it makes about as much sense as buying Science Fiction, reading Science Fiction, and then writing a 1 star review because it was Science Fiction. NOTE: for my deviants, Widow is more mild because of its characters. If you are a long-time reader of mine, you know I don’t write sex-fests.
Length: I’ve had readers complain of the length of Good Girl, with the irony being those same readers complain about spending their hard earned money buying what I call episodic series. (a series of novellas or short stories, all ending with a cliffhanger, forcing readers to wait for what comes next while it’s being written or to buy the next episode to see what happens next) While as lucrative for those authors as it is frustrating for its readers, I am not those authors. As a writer, the only thing I can do is write the way my muse programmed me. For me, a book has a beginning, middle, and an ending, and I will write that book the way it tells me to write it.
Yes, I’ve had cliffhangers. But the ending was to change the POV of the character, optimizing the readers’ experiences by telling the story in the voice best to relay the story. Good Girl was the length it was because it chose its length, ending because it was Clover and Malcolm’s turn to voice their story. Widow is the length it is to give you an entire story from start to finish, where the children will pick up the story to show you a new side in this journey.
As a reader, if long books aren’t for you, that is not my issue. I know there are so many amazing stories being written, and we, as readers, will never read them all. So we rush like kids trying to earn BOOK-IT points for Pizza Hut. But there is no gold star for reading the most books the fastest. I used to rush-read as well, until I realized I was short-changing my own entertainment. Reading isn’t a job; it’s for pleasure. A pleasure we pay for, so the faster you read, the more expensive the hobby. So when I get negative flack for a 700 page book you received for free or for only 99 cents, I get insulted. So if my writing style isn’t for you… I will not change, nor be penalized for it.
3rd person vs 1st person: I’ve heard this one many times: If only Ms. Chilson wrote in 3rd person… usually followed by, the book would be much shorter, and we’d know what so&so was thinking. 1st: I’ll let you know what they were thinking when I want you to know. Otherwise, it ruins any surprises, and I’m all about the surprises. Second: Well, that’s great that you enjoy 3rd person, but Ms. Chilson is the one who has to write the book. Ms. Chilson doesn’t write 3rd person. She also isn’t a fan of 3rd person narratives.
As a reader, you can choose what you read. As a writer, you CAN’T choose what you write.
This works for both my reading and writing styles: I must become one with the narrator, so 1st person present tense draws me into them. An overview isn’t intimate enough for me to connect with the characters. I’m in too many characters’ heads, and not deep enough. There is no deep connection when the internal monologue is disconnected from the readers. Also, past tense confuses me. I feel like saying, “I’m reading this RIGHT NOW, but it’s past tense.” I want to be walking around with the character, not hearing about how they walked around five minutes ago or ten years ago.
We all read differently because we are different people. Since I am the one writing the book, I can only write it the way I write. To each their own. To the joys of individual expression. *cheers*
Long story short: expect Widow to be a 700 page book in 1st person narrative in the present tense. Whether you find that boring, drawn-out, is not my issue. There are no unnecessary scenes written as filler in these pages. I don’t have time for that, not with all the characters screaming in my head. No shopping trips, car rides, or incessant decorator or fashion descriptions. Every scene is to propel the story or character development. There will be no doubting who the characters are on a soul-deep level. You, as the reader, will be able to predict their future actions as if they were your own. Why? Because I’ve bared their souls to you while you read, connected you, through the 1st person, present tense narrative.
Angry diatribe complete!
In other news. Widow will be released mid-June. Angela is organizing a Blog tour for Widow’s release, with ARCs for both Good Girl and Widow for review, as well as a Blitz and cover/blurb reveal. (All foreign language to me) So if you wish to join the fun, I’ll post the information when it becomes available.
As of mid-June, I will have publish 1,500 pages in the first half of 2014. I am stepping back again, reevaluating how Warped should proceed. In my leisure, I will be editing the M&M series, as well as writing a novella titled Wanton. Wanton is a (for Amber, who requested a BBW) BBW Lesbian romance centered around two females in Blended’s cast of characters. I will release the details on this title after Widow’s release. This book is my version of a test- a test to see if I can write about two people, centering the entire book around their connection, and manage to fit it into 120 pages or less.
Gauntlet thrown down: the Deviants over at M&M of Restraint don’t think I can do it. Anyone who reads my books knows I’m a challenge-taker. I’ll do it because you guys think I can’t, whether said in jest or not (I wasn’t offended. First, it made me laugh, and then it made me get down to business. As I end Widow, that novella has been writing itself in my head)
Off to finish Widow’s draft in the next week or so, and then the betas will work their magic while I put my editor hat on… and then things get really serious.
Reading tastes evolving my writing style
Question: Do you find your reading tastes evolving as your life changes? (not that any genre is better than another, just differing from before). Please answer this for me via the comments on this blog, email at wickedwriter.ericachilson@gmail.com or M&M of Restraint closed group on FB. My curiosity is getting the better of me. I want to know if I’m somehow… broken.
My long-winded answer, with a side of defensiveness over some comments over Good Girl NOT being Erotica: (must never read another comment or review, because to me it’s like telling a mother her kid is homely. I’m sick of explaining myself, as if I have a reason that I should be defensive. My book. My rules)
As a child, I was a reluctant reader. My teachers were beside themselves because I didn’t want to read ‘Clifford the Big Red Dog’ or other books children my age thought were entertaining. I looked older than I was, and apparently I thought older than I was as well. This was decades ago, way before Kindles and ebooks. Books for the tween-aged girl were The Baby Sitter’s Club or the classics. Easily bored, it took a lot to entertain me and keep me engaged- still true to this day. My parents were at a loss, so that is when I received my first magazine subscription in my name at age 8: Mad Magazine. <- My father’s idea. 😉 Somehow he knew I’d turn out to be a closeted pervert who thought violence was humorous. “Spy vs Spy”
When I began reading novels at 10 years old, I read VC Andrews and Stephen King. Horror, mystery & suspense, with a side of sex, was the only thing that would capture my attention. Too mature for most kids my age, I’m sure. I’m no worse for wear, but highly well-read. Mom wouldn’t budge on Anne Rice, though. If a stranger had found my library card, they would have thought I was a grown woman. Good thing the librarian was my aunt and didn’t bat an eyelash at my selections. I never really thought about that until now… what did my aunt think? “Strange Kid,” I bet.
My early 20s were dedicated to VC Andrews and Oprah’s book club selections. In my late 20s through early 30s, I read Urban Fantasy and Paranormal Romance. Yes, you can thank the over-criticized Twilight to that obsession, and I’m not ashamed. It’s still one of my guilty pleasures.I was entertained; what more can I say?
For some reason I’ve yet to explore, I moved onto Dark Erotica, mixed with Young Adult as a palate cleanser. This is when I began writing. Although I was leaving UF & PNR behind, my first book was UF, and that’s why it’s my first book- the shelved Chrysalis that may never see the light of day. My second attempt was a mix of BDSM and Crime.
Restraint was a whim that I thought would never come to fruition, and less than 3 months after I started writing it, it was published. Obviously after this I read many books in the Dark Erotica and Erotica genres. Yes, I wrote Restraint way before I ever read a book it would be classified alongside. For me it was about control, and the lack of control I felt over my life, and had absolutely nothing to do with sex. Sex was just a metaphor to express how trapped I felt. While I had to categorize Restraint as Dark and Erotica because of its explicit nature, it was never smut. Never sex for the sake of sex. It was human behavior- a cerebral fucking.
Good Girl was another precipice in my life. A hybrid of contemporary and non-sexual BDSM(control over your own life and actions) with playful sex added into the mix. I was no longer reading Erotica or Dark Erotica. I’m not sure why my tastes have changed yet again. But I can’t read this type of book, and I haven’t for almost two years now. When readers recommend books that are in a similar genre as my own, I try, truly try, to read them. But I can’t. My tastes are now story-driven. It’s why I always liked YA so much. I want 100% story with amazing chemistry between well-fleshed-out characters, not 10% story with repetitive sex. Once sex is introduced, I get bored and check out, or want the story to end.
While many enjoy this: the following statement is about what I enjoy. You can debate me if you wish, but this is about personal preference and how it affects my writing style. What is sex without buildup? If it’s just input a character name here, put peg A into slot B, it doesn’t hold my attention. A hot, smooth talking dude just makes me groan. Give him some kickass name that I think is beyond ridiculous, make him heavily muscled, borderline abusive, and without any true characteristics, add a whiny woman without any self-respect, and make them screw in between 5 pages of storyline, and then screw again and again and again. Maybe add another cookie-cutter character into a menage. Don’t forget to add the Baby/Babe. Sorry, no! I can’t swallow it. I just can’t.
I understand the appeal of smut, why readers long to read it. It just doesn’t hold any appeal for me. Erica longs for… more.
In real life, that same douche wouldn’t do a thing for me, either. If he’s the abusive ass, I’d find him as an abusive ass. If he flashes me a bullshit grin… charm to me is false, lies, and highly annoying and predicable. To me it’s like small talk- I don’t have time for that waste of time… I am nothing if not serious. Debate me; that will get me hot and bothered, or just bothered. But either way, you’ll get an honest reaction out of me vs polite bullshit uttered out of social obligation.
When I read a book, I want to be left wounded, raw. I want real- real in all its glorious, pain-filled flaws. I want my emotions warped until I feel what the character is feeling, until the character becomes a true entity, and that is what I hope I achieve with my writing.
So now I find myself reading cheesy Historical Romance. Why? Why the hell would a woman who writes the M&M Series read about that era, an era that goes against her core belief system with its maltreatment to women? Easily answered: because it’s the same as when she was a child; Erica wants to read the opposite of her situation. She wants anti-reality. I’m also reading contemporary. Why you ask: because Erica also wants to read about reality. The mind that creates stories is complex enough to have to read varying genres to fight ennui.
Never fear: nothing will EVER inspire me to write historical. I love it, but just like novellas and short stories, I couldn’t write it if my life depended on it.
What does this mean for my writing future: I don’t know. M&M holds my undivided attention because it is so involved, twisted, character-driven. And as you can see from earlier books in the series vs later books, I refuse to add sex for the sake of sex. Any and all sex is to drive the story.
So I find myself with some negativity on Good Girl, not only for the addiction theme, but for the lack of erotica. Nowhere do I list this book as a sex-fest. I know readers do like smut, and I have nothing against it. I do not enjoy smut, so therefore I cannot write smut. So to negatively rate Good Girl because you are judging it against M&M or books in differing genres, is ludicrous. Good Girl, the Blended series, is NOT erotica, so to judge it against erotic is like judging Harry Potter against Fifty Shades. While Good Girl has sexual situations and themes, because real life has those, it is not a sex book. Never was, never will be, and I will make no apologies for it either. Other books in the Blended series, the sex will vary by the character. I’m not cookie-cutter. My characters are complex and different than the others. One book will not be a repeat of the last with the names and locations changed.
Is there anything I haven’t written? Any line I’ve refused to cross? I can understand why M&M readers would be blindsided by… borderline normal in Blended, but that doesn’t change a dang thing. I am the immovable object, and the only unstoppable force I will ever concede to is my own mind. Negativity will NEVER get me to move. It will only get me to become even more unbending. I’m always baffled by some comments and emails I get. My characters are dominant being. Who do you think created them? Exactly.
While many of my hardcore M&M fans will NOT enjoy Good Girl, the small following of Blended fans will NOT like Restraint. Why, you ask: because Erica Chilson is not a one-trick-pony. I have the capacity to write differing genres with equal fervor. I can write both, and I don’t ask my readers to read both. I’m good with two separate followings with a group of readers that straddle the genres. Just as my tastes have evolved over time, my writing does as well. Just as I was as a child, I am easily bored. I need both anti-reality and reality to keep myself interested… and an interested Wicked Writer writes better books than a writer that feels pressured into writing what readers want.
Can you over-edit?
Yes!
Good Girl’s final edit and the beta process have taught me that you can, in fact, over-edit your work. I write in first person, present tense. I am the character as I write. I am in their head, expressing their thoughts and actions on paper. During an edit, I am no longer the character. I become the editor. It’s hard to step back and not mess with the flow. Yes, when you wear your editor hat you have to check for grammar, punctuation, misspelled and misused words, redundancy, and bad habits, WITHOUT stepping on the other voices. But there comes a point when your characters no longer sound like your characters and begin to sound just like you. It’s called your author voice, and it carries over into everything you create. The line you should never cross is the editor voice. If you find yourself second-guessing words, replacing them- prettying them up, you’ve crossed that line.
Since I completely revamped Good Girl, I sent it to way, way too many people to check over my work and look for mistakes. I entered the ‘too many cooks in the kitchen‘ zone. Betas are invaluable, and I can never express how thankful I am that they are willing to give me their time and opinions. But, at the end of the day, this is my creation. The large grouping of betas gave me great insight into how you can over-edit. A few over-thought the process, becoming head-blind and only noting one thing, to the point they didn’t see anything else. This was valuable to me, because it showed me how I was doing the same thing. It is called a beta read for a reason. They are to ‘read‘ and note anything that yanks them from the story, and I need that. That is what annoys purchasing readers and reviewers. But with too many betas, you begin to have too many ‘voices’.
I am the one who has to rewrite the draft, because I am the only one who knows the characters. I am the one that has to rewrite the draft, because it is my author voice that created the characters. It has been an uphill battle to overlook everything that wasn’t necessary during the editing process. I kept second-guessing myself. “Maybe they are right.” “Maybe this sucks.” And then I realize that the sentence structure was not my sentence structure, that it began to take on the cadence of the beta reader. And that is why it’s not called Beta ‘edit’ or Beta ‘write’.
Whether wrong or right in the eyes of a ‘professional’, it has nothing to do with my storytelling. Two of my favorite authors are without a doubt butchers of the English language. Does that make me love them any less? Hell, no! It makes them unique. Now, I’m not talking sloppy, lazy writing. I’m speaking of their voice and the way their stories unfold, be it the flow of their words or the way they put it to paper. If you handed me a passage of their writing without stating who it was, I could accurately say who wrote it. That everlasting impression is what captivated me and kept me entertained for years. It’s what makes me salivate for their new releases- waiting more than a year per book. I want to be that for my readers, flaws and all.
Voice is more important than anything in my eyes, for without it, everything else just falls flat. It’s when you’re reading a book that is perfect but boring. Currently my character is a flawed 18 year old girl. I don’t care if the dialogue is flawed because what 18 yo, let alone a 35 yo, speaks perfectly? I’m not speaking of a jumbled up mess with shitty editing. There is a delicate balance between allowing your character’s voice to shine alongside the author voice, without infringing upon it with the editor voice.
How many times do I write one sentence? Dozens- at least. By the time I get the ‘beta copy‘ back from the betas, I’ve already rewritten that sentence again once or twice. That is why I try to stress that I’m only looking for the things that are off, because everything else is never the same. I will use this mortifying example: Panty vs Pantry. Yes, Erica wrote Panty in place of Pantry, not once, but TWICE. Isis gained an evil (good?) twin named Iris two times as well. I had a sLiver tank top versus a siLver tank top. Suz and her ‘inequity’ had me imagining a bunch of lawyers sitting around a table in their den. Iniquity 😉 Puts a whole new spin on a den of ‘inequity’, eh? My point being, what is more embarrassing: a missing comma or getting food out of your panties? While some lawyers are sexy, not all of them are. So I don’t think I’d enjoy a den of them, would you?
By the time I get the beta copies back, the odds that the words are shuffled around in the sentence and the punctuation has been fiddled with are about 100%. But the majority of the words remain the same. Those are the words my mind replaced on me. I become head-blind. This is why I need beta ‘readers’ to spot these words. I cannot stress this strongly enough. The editing is done ‘after‘ the beta ‘read’. Trust me; I know. I’ve been doing it for the past 13 days straight, twenty hours per day. (Hell, when was the last time I slept, anyway? I’m not joking. It’s 5 a.m. est, and I’ve yet to shut my eyes from the day before- I’m not writing or rewriting. All of my attention is solely focused on those dang rules- editing. I’ve learned my lesson from past horrors) Number one rule of writing: you NEVER edit while you write. You’ll get nowhere- FAST. It’s only good habits that keep your first three drafts from being a total disaster. There is a highly probable chance that those commas, periods, quote marks, ellipsis, and hyphens no longer exist. The betas receive a draft of many, not the final draft. It was one draft from being the gibberish in my head. That’s why I stress, “don’t over-think it.” Obviously I’m stressing this now for a reason 😉 *maniacal laughter*
I found myself going word-for-word, nit-picking, worrying that I was doing it wrong, and I was leaving my character and myself behind. If you look at anything too closely, you’ll find fault in it. A sentence is a string of words with endless possibilities of rearrangement. My character spewed them onto the page, and it is my job to make sure they make sense for the reader. But it is not for me to twist their words until they are no longer ‘their’ words. Writing a sentence is not complicated, unless you complicate it with over-thinking. You are expressing a thought, and nothing more.
What is complicated are the rules of your language, which vary by country, and are all up to interpretation. Writing rules change, and we can debate them to death. Oxford Comma debate, anyone? Chicken/egg? Let’s debate grammar and punctuation until it’s just a string of words that no longer read like a story, shall we? But those rules must also take a backseat to an area’s dialect. I only write characters in the North East for a specific reason- that is my region, with my dialect. If you use rules and forgo the dialect. FLAT. While perfect, it will be perfectly flat.
I cannot even guess the amount of hours I put into Good Girl. Thousands upon thousands of hours- all my hours. So it will be up to me to know what is best for the quarter of a million words that were my creation. I’m sure when it’s completed it will be flawed, that if someone wishes to tear it to shreds for their own entertainment, they will find enough wrong to do so. But as I said, a sentence is a string of words with endless possibilities… string your own sentence together, and then have the balls to withstand an army of backseat ‘editors’ dissecting it. I bet you get the same amount of variants as you do editors. You have no idea the amount of courage it takes to press publish, and how much more courage it takes to ignore the negativity. A writer has to possess quiet dignity and suffer in silence.
Good Girl is a story about a young woman learning to love herself, to be comfortable in her own skin. I had an epiphany this evening as I was editing. Me, Myself, and I get along famously with the hundreds of characters thriving in our mind, so why am I allowing anyone to enter my sanctuary? You can debate my writing style, but you will never debate me about my writing style.
Back to those rules: I play by the rules for the most part or my novels would be impossible to read. Anyone who knows me personally, or knows my ‘voice, should have figured out by now that I do not like being told what to do or how to do it.
I’m a rebel, and I’m perfectly fine with being perfectly flawed.
-peace out,
The Wicked Writer.
The Evolution of a novel: Good Girl
Many know that I’m editing Good Girl, but few know I’m completely rewriting it for publication into paper. The rewrite has been an eye-opener into my growth as a writer. I could go into great detail over the changes I’m making, the scenes added or subtracted, the abundance of words deleted, and the total restructuring of, not only the novel, but, the series as a whole. I’m not going to bore my readers(new & my faithful followers from the beginning) with over-explanation since it starts to sound like bragging or like I’m putting down my own work. I’m nothing if not humble… because this rewrite is a humbling experience to say the least. But I take great comfort in seeing my growth over the past sixteen months since I began writing Good Girl.
I’ve said time and time again that I was releasing Widow by such and such a date, only to go back on my word. Subconsciously I was stalling because something felt off… and then I knew. I knew what I needed to change for the betterment.
When I announced my rewrite in the M&M of Restraint group on Facebook, I was asked why I’d change a novel that was currently published. My answer was that as I grow as a writer, I want my books to evolve with me, and it would be disrespectful to the story and the readers to leave it… as less than it could be. But the reality of it is, Good Girl is the foundation of a 7 book series. If a foundation is weak, the entire series could crumble. I don’t work as hard as I do; I don’t create these characters, their worlds, and breathe life into them only to fail.
A story starts with a single thought and is fostered over thousands upon thousands of hours… and that’s not when you’re writing. Willow and company have been in my mind since their conception, over sixteen months ago.
Every. Single. Day.
As a constant reminder of failure, I retain a few glaringly detrimental plot devices from the M&M of Restraint series. I’m currently writing book 12 in that series, and I’d love. LOVE. to fix some things that are set in stone. My only recourse was to slowly arc the story in the correct direction… lesson learned, I’m not doing that to the Blended series. I’m fixing it in the beginning before I make more work for myself in a later installment.
I will announce that the Playroom series is now the Blended series, because the premise revolves entirely around a blended family, not the roving environment of Augustus Kline’s creation. I also changed the genre from Erotica to Contemporary Romance and Erotic Romance, also because the focus is not on the lifestyle. M&M is hardcore, dark and twisted, mysterious and suspenseful, with a hefty dose of kink. That is not what I want from the Blended series.
My thoughts: if I wanted my two series to be identical, I’d just write more books in a particular series. In the beginning, before I knew better, I’d read reviews. A handful of reviews stated Good Girl wasn’t like the M&M series, and this was in a negative tone. No, Good Girl is not like the M&M series… because it’s NOT the M&M series. It’s the Blended series and they are nothing alike.
I needed completely opposite ends of the spectrum from my series. M&M is the scandalous tales of the rich and twisted. Blended is the real life issues of a blended family struggling to survive in mainstream America, while they endure the stresses of combining a two large families while one of their own battles drug and alcohol addiction. Blended is regular folks… and I’m okay with that. Sometimes you need to experience heartbreak and triumph from a source outside of your personal life so you can deal when real shit hits the fan- a story to draw strength from.
Each and every one of these characters is connected through blood or blended through marriage. The ties that bind have absolutely nothing to do with the roving playroom and everything to do with the blending of a family; hence my decision to change the series title. Their ages range from fourteen to forty and, with the exception of Good Girl, every book is an HEA book; hence the need to change the genre to Contemporary Romance.
The Blended series begins with Willow Prynne’s journey from a disillusioned teenager to a mature young woman. Good Girl has a brand-spanking new synopsis:
There aren’t many options for a girl who falls in the middle. I wasn’t an athlete or a geek. I wasn’t an artist or a musician. I didn’t shake my pom-poms along with my ass. I was just a good girl who got good grades and kept her mouth shut. I didn’t date my high school sweetheart and promptly get married the second I was handed my diploma. I’m not shiny enough to attract notice, nor dark enough to be a problem.
I don’t have a tragic sob story. My daddy didn’t leave us destitute and I’m not a victim of a bad neighborhood. I am a middle-America, middle of the road, middle class girl with both parents fussing over their youngest daughter, who has no aspirations or goals. I’ve had every opportunity to succeed- supportive parents, stability, and a strong upbringing. I’m wayward and everyone looks at me like I’m an alien.
My philosophy: how should I know what I want to do with the rest of my life the day I graduate? How am I supposed to know the second I turn eighteen what I am destined to become? One moment you are a disillusioned seventeen-year-old with the world at your fingertips, and the next, congratulations, you’re eighteen and you’re on your own.
With all the changes, I hope that the series appeals to the mainstream and deviants alike. The Blended series rides the edge of both categories and I believe it will be mind-opening for the former group and entertaining for the latter.
While writing Widow, I found many stumbling blocks. One was an event that was hard to swallow. The Widower sickened the Widow when she found out what transpired, creating a major point of contention within their budding marriage. From a parental standpoint: it was beyond disturbing. From a teenaged idiot standpoint: it was fun and exciting, thrilling, and equally fucking stupid… just like a real teenager would behave.
While I didn’t regret the scene, (it wasn’t one of those plot devices I wished out of existence), it was difficult to write and read. I didn’t want it to be sexy even though it’s perceived in that light. I wrote it in a impersonal, clinical manner with little to no description, and it barely took the length of one page. This scenes was the catalyst for every mistake thereafter… and responsible for the majority of Willow’s growth.
Willow’s future view on this moment in time vastly differs from how she felt in the moment. I added a caveat to appease my reservations. For the first time ever, I added a passage written in the future tense about the present tense, and I hope I accomplished my goal. For those of you who read Good Girl in any of its editions, you’ll know where this occurs in the timeline. .. and if you can’t place it, then that shows you just how much I’ve altered Good Girl.
There are moments in your life that you can never get back- the tipping point. These are the moments you simultaneously wish you could change yet keep forever the same. A time when your older self wants to transport back in time and scream STOP at your younger self, and perhaps slap the stupid out of you while you visit. You tell yourself pretty lies to cover the agony of betrayal. At some point, your future self accepts reality as it is and no longer believes the lie. But in present time, the only thing that saves you from life’s bitter truths is the lie you weave for yourself- the altered perception of reality that blinds you to the mistake you’re making. It’s a knife’s edge that can either be wielded to protect you or cut you, and either way it alters the core of who you are, who you were meant to be, and who you become.
This is the first of those moments for me- the first of many.
Days, weeks, years from now, I’ll wish I had analyzed what was happening and put an end to it. I won’t regret, because tonight’s actions, and those after, lead me on a path of enlightenment- a path I earned through mistakes. I’ll forever rue my teenage ignorance in trusting when I shouldn’t. As it is now, my mind is spinning, unable to light on one thought, let alone the dozens flitting around in a stew of confusion and unbridled lust.
The Blended series revolves around the following main characters, each of whom will get a voice within the series:
*titles listed in series order and subject to change, with all books after Good Girl sharing narration*
*shared narration does not equate romantic entanglements*
Good Girl:Willow Prynne.
Widow: Clover Webster & Malcolm Mason.
Wayward: Robin Prynne, Isis Mason, & Augustus Kline.
Waver: Willow Prynne, Devon Mason, & Kieren Mason.
Warped: Essie Prynne & TBA.
Wicked: Violet Webster & Raven Mason.
Wanted: Seth Webster & Weston Mason.
… and yes, I was tempted to either change Good Girl to Willow or Wanton to follow suit with the rest of the titles. But as the foundation of the Blended series, I wanted Good Girl to stick out, just as its single narration and lack of an HEA. Good Girl was merely an introduction to a vast cast of characters that longed to tell you their stories.
M&M series order confusion
After more than a month of debate, both within my mind and with my betas, I threw the to-be-released series order out the window and went with my muse- for several reasons that I don’t wish to delve into. I’d originally stated that Silenced would follow The Hunter with Integrated to follow Silenced. The muse demanded I create Integrated within minutes of The Hunter making its visit to my betas. By the time The Hunter was returned for its final edits, I’d almost completed Integrated. While Integrated was making its beta run, I immediately started Hero.
As confusing as it is for readers, it was far worse for my poor mind. While writing Hero I encountered a new problem, one that I was scared to voice since I’d released titles, series order, and tentative release dates for several novels. A book formed, a book that was connected to Hero.
I awoke a week ago and said the hell with it all- I’m going with my gut.
Notice: Any timeline or deadline I’d previously released is null and void.
I’m writing one book at a time- soldiering through by my muse alone. I apologize for any confusion this may have caused you readers, but I must do this correctly the first time because there are no do-overs in publishing. Once released, it is what it is.
so this is the plan that I’m willing to voice. Definites are firm, meaning they are not subject to change. Probables are flexible, meaning they will be written but not in any specific order- they are on a ‘I’ll tell you when I figure it out basis‘.
Definites:
Integrated, M&M #11 (Ezra Zeitler)
Hero, M&M #12 (Caleb Green)
Empowered, M&M #13 (TBA after Integrated’s release)
Probables:
Prince (Niel Whittenhower)
Silenced (Grant Whittenhower)
Master (Marcus Zeitler)
Monster (Ava Zeitler)
Outlines created for untitled works in progress:
Leviticus Wilson
Dalton Fontaine Marconi (Yes, our beloved Emo is voicing another installment now that he’s grown into a man)
Julian ‘Julio’ Ramirez
What does this mean for the Playroom series? I’d planned on completing this story arc up until Master, and then writing the series in its entirety before delving into the chaotic journey of the Master of the Universe. Unless the muse goes batshit crazy again, Widow will be released after Empowered. Wayward may or may not be written immediately. It depends on the direction of the flow of the story. It is my hope that I will write the series, every other book until I reach Master, and then it will be a project beyond all projects to create Master.
I apologize for any and all confusion, and I hope to have Integrated released for a special Halloween trick-or-treat to fans.
Erica Chilson
M&M of Restraint
& Playroom series
~Happy Wicked Reading~
Dilemma
I find myself in a precarious position. First, I must give you the sequence of my WIPs for you to fully understand my dilemma.
Silenced- Grant
Integrated- Ezra
Prince- Niel
Hero- Caleb
Master- Marcus
… and possibly Monster- Ava.
One would assume I’d be diligently at work on Silenced, being as it is the next book in my series… believe it or not, Integrated is complete and with the betas, several have returned their edits already. It’s slightly longer than The Hunter, maybe 400 ebook pages. Currently, Silenced is 10,000 words in length with a daunting outline- totally at odds with the light, sexy story I’d originally planned to tell…
The Dilemma: As a writer, you are subject to your creativity- inspiration- the muse. We have a short attention span- yes, that sounds strange coming from creatures that must have intense concentration to build worlds from nothing. But we most certainly have short attention spans. Like a shiny object to a cat, a light will catch our eye and our minds flit… “Oh, shiny- a new story to weave.”
Novelists write in intense bursts of creativity- speaking of my own experience, I can go 70 hours of non-stop writing, 50,000 words in three days… and then pass out. Burn out. After which, I tell myself to slow down, LIVE a little… experience life instead of writing about it. But the siren call is so much stronger… and I’m pulled back in within days.
As a slave to inspiration, you need to determine if your muse is truly leading you astray or towards destiny. Next, you must decide if you are being indulgent with your creativity. Are you allowing yourself to be led to greener but never better pastures, or is it the path you should take.
Here is the issue: I want, no, I need to write Hero. It’s thrumming within me- screaming. A character needs voiced while it’s still fresh in my mind… but does it truly, or am I just scared to dive into the pain that Grant has to show me when Caleb is promising… hope. For Silenced is just the beginning of Grant’s journey while Hero won’t necessarily be an HEA book, it’s pushing into one… Silenced will open up to another much more pain-filled book that I don’t know when I will be emotionally ready to write- if I’ll ever be emotionally able to write.
So here I am… I have a book completed with the one that I should be writing shelved… and then I want to skip yet another book to write the one following it. Here, have a visual, Silenced, Integrated *completed*, Prince, Hero.
But what readers won’t understand until they get their hands on the story within… those books are so interwoven that Silenced & Prince will be written together… and The Hunter, Integrated, and Hero are simply extensions of one other….
So, do I indulge my muse, leaving me with a huge backlist of books to publish once I get their predecessors written… or do I push through and fear ruining the story I weave?
Then there is the fact that it could just be a shiny object being dangled in front of my face, enticing me, seducing me when it’s the wrong path…
My books are complicated to say the least. The beginning books not so much, but as you delve into my series, you see why I must have 5 or more books outlined in order to keep A-Z straight. So one book interconnects with one several books into the reader’s future but they are my present… all of these books encompass the same time frame and cast of characters.
When I find myself hesitant to thoroughly commit to a project, it means there is an issue. I already broke form by writing Integrated before Silenced. When I finished, I completely revamped Silenced outline from being a fluff piece to something rivaling Faithless and the soon-to-be written Master. How Grant ended up with an epic book is beyond my scope. While in awe, I’m a so pissed at my muse I could shriek while yanking my hair out!
Yet again, after enthusiastically reworking Silenced outline, Hero is calling me.
One thing you must understand, when I commit to a story, I write it in its entirety without interruption- without living. I say without living because I become my characters. Don’t get me started on the fact that I wanted to bite faces off while writing Faithless… Syn was a hard girl to have within your mind for 330,000+ words… Ugh! Cort was a breath of fresh air… Ezra, not bad, surprisingly. So when the choice is a sardonic yet playful submissive dealing with an abuse victim, an eighteen year old man-child, or a stern yet compassionate Marine…
yeah, I’m a 35 yo woman… snorts. Yeah, none of them fit the Erica profile- but amazingly so, I write men better than women. I guess I go with my gut… much to the readers’ dismay with having to wait extra months for releases, but will get a bounty of the dang things in a month’s time- like four books dropping one week a part.
And then I say, “Erica, cut yourself some slack. Big-time authors only write one or two books per year, about 200k words, tops… you’re almost writing a million words a year (I just bypassed 800k in less than 9 months, in case you’re curious). Take a fucking nap it’s 5 am and you’ve yet to go to f’n bed! Tomorrow is another day, but it’s already upon you!”
Pressure…
I just feel pressure.
I have pressure mounting me from every direction- it’s why I often fantasize of a world of only my creation, and get mightily pissed when yanked from said world.
I guess, in a nutshell, and it answers my dilemma, other than the pull of creation, Hero isn’t pressuring me- it’s enlivening me.
While I may write it from start-to-finish, or I may write a chunk and return to the one known as coward… who knows. But I just realized the irony that I’m debating the coward vs the hero… *rolls eyes*
Wow…
Public Persona- Private Person
I may write for public consumption, but that doesn’t mean I am public domain.
This morning I received a very disrespectful comment. At first, my reaction was utter shock. How can someone say that to me? Why do they believe that they have the right? My second reaction was one of outrage. My personal stance is to never engage in a comment war- a very good stance indeed. My third reaction was to passive-aggressively say something sarcastic that could be taken either way (nice or snide). Lastly, I decided not to reply at all or approve the comment.
While I will not call this person out or even voice the comment I received, I do have to say something about it. I write a strong message in my stories. Empowerment. Respect, both for ones self and others. And it blows my mind how easily readers feel they have the right to say whatever they wish to me. I liken it to going up to a complete stranger and saying nasty shit. As my readers well know, I take respect seriously. So at seven in the morning, instead of enjoy the last of sleep’s warm embrace, I am shaking from how emotional I feel.
The Hunter’s first chapter was all me- the majority taken from my blog postings or straight from my head. I was personally giving a plea to my readers, a plea I hoped they would read, understand, and empathize with. Not just for me, but for my fellow writers as well.
A part of each of my characters comes directly from me- so when you bash one, you are also bashing a segment of me. So I take personal offense. I feel like you just told me my newborn is ugly and stupid. Cort received my writing and insecurity. All writers are insecure in some form. We write for public consumption- meaning the public has to like it or they won’t read any more. So when I receive negative feedback it negatively impacts my confidence.
I can take constructive criticism. It’s par for the course and necessary so that I don’t get a big head and arrogantly go down a path of destruction. Then there are the personal attacks, which I just cannot fathom. Even my nearest and dearest do not know me well enough to personally attack me since I keep my emotions and thoughts closed off. They are private, between me, myself, and I. So when a reader or stranger personally attacks me, and it is personal. As they do not know my person, then how can they attack me? Why do they believe they have the right?
I cannot please everyone. Hell, I cannot please half of you. Most of the time I cannot even please myself. Why? Because we are all individual and see things through our own eyes. Never will two people see the same thing in something- it’s impossible.
Some may hate what I do to a storyline thread, others may praise it. Some may hate a cover of mine, some may love it. It’s up to interpretation. But what it is not up to… is any of you. This is my creation. This is the world and the characters and the stories I’ve imagined from nothing. And while it saddens me that I might disappoint you along the way, I refuse to change for anyone.
I could cater to specific fans, but it would only alienate the rest…. and since ultimately it is my name on this work of public consumption, I’m the only one that has to be okay with what I produce.
There are a few things that I must take into consideration when writing. I must stay within a character’s personality traits, their ethics, and their preferences. It is my duty to put them through their paces and make them earn their ultimate HEA. The title must impart the premise of the story, give you an idea of what lies within the pages. The covers must maintain a theme and color scheme (M&M series) (red/black/white/gray), must relate to the title (you cannot have a badass title like The Hunter and have a romantic cover, how silly would that look? It would be like having a book titled Blade but it’s a bodice ripper image) and contain a picture best describing the character. Note: Best describing the character as I’ve envisioned, seeing as I’m the one that created them in the first place. Each cover must blend, but also stick out among the crowd of their peers. Also, many readers may not realize this. We do not just pick a picture off the internet and use it. We must pay for the right to use the image- and it is not cheap. We also have to find a representation of a person we know inside and out, but is entirely fictitious- their clone may not exist in real life, and if they do, their image may not be for sale. It also has to be an image that can be altered, an image where the writing (title, author, series, etc..) doesn’t disrupt the image’s integrity. Then you have to pay someone to design your cover. So insults to any of the above are insults to the author, the cover model, the photographer/artist, the cover designer. That is a lot of people to insult over your personal tastes, I might add.
I will never apologize if my stories, covers, who ends up with whom, or the order in which I write my stories. But I will say is that receiving negative feedback that is more personal in nature and is more of a personal tastes of the reader’s is not constructive and very demotivational.
I am a writer, and we operate on emotion. Certain emotions feed our need to create, and the output is determined by the emotion. Obviously I am not a sunshiny girl, which is evident by my writing style. Which belies the readers reasoning to outwardly challenge me on my own works.
I love reader interaction, the good and the bad inspires me to strive. The bad motivates me to do better. But the personal… well, that just makes me feel sad.
It saddens me that I have to write this posting today. It saddens me that I’m sure the person who dealt me the offense may not even realize it, but for the life of me, I’m unsure how they could not. It saddens me that when they read this they will know it was about them. But that isn’t entirely true either. I receive these types of comments multiple times per day. Whereas the comment was directed at me, this is not directed at the commenter- truly.
My reason for posting my thoughts was simply to express that you should watch what you say- you never know how it will be interpreted by the receiver. And as you may not have meant it as it was taken as it was, it’s not up to you on how the other person feels. It is their right to feel as they do, and no one should dictate feeling.
Live a life of respect for yourself and your fellow creatures. Because hurt feelings just… suck.
Phenomenon: Katya Hate-On
This is an odd posting, but in light of The Hunter premise, recent activity on my fan page, and my feelings as I write Integrated, I felt the need to get something off of my chest. I’m sure I will piss some readers off, and perhaps spoil some shit. You can dissect my words for clues on Integrated and so forth. But this is simply in defense of Katya Waters.
As I’ve interacted with readers and read reviews… People HATE Katya’s f’ing guts. It’s an everyday occurrence that I get an ‘I hate Katya’ from someone on my various pages. I’ve had actual death-threat emails over this, I shit you not. Katya is a fictitious character… ya know. I mean, kill her? Yes, death-threats. *smh*
It’s an interesting dynamic for me. I’m not trying to sway your feelings over the character. I actually want to know your view, because it helps me with character development in the future. I’m curious to see where I went wrong, or if it is simply a case of we see ‘this character‘ with ‘this character‘ and will accept nothing less.
It’s a phenomenon in psychology, how we gloss over the huge shit going on but pick on a character that has blended into the background as we hear about her through a tainted lens.
At first, I was waiting for someone, anyone, to stand up for Katya… when readers kept hating on her, I kept making it more obvious… and still… nothing. No one said, “Help Katya. This isn’t right. Why are you doing this?” Since I am a maniacal bitch, I started bashing Katya through the narration of other characters just to see if anyone would say anything.
You are aware that Katya is Ezra’s WIFE, right? No? Because we don’t seem to care that Ezra has NEVER acted like a husband…
My stories have STRONG females. Females who believe in empowerment and are borderline cock haters. A few are huge feminists. The readers love Faith and Regina. LOVE. & this pleases me to no end. I’m proud to make inspiring characters…
BUT, and yes, this is a huge but, it’s okay for said strong females spouting empowerment to bully Katya- both of the favorites do. They bully Katya for actions out of her control. & I had Faith say some nasty shit about a Tonka truck… and ya know what? That wasn’t even about Katya, that was about EZRA & CORTEZ… yes, that’s right. It was the disrespect they showed Katya. But, nope, the readers blamed Kat. And while written with a humorous twist, it was rather gross of Faith to think those thoughts about Katya and not blame the men. Again, no one noticed, or Faith was applauded for being nasty.
For me, it just shows how women think and behave. No matter what, we pit ourselves against one another. We won’t stick up for each other. But we will fight over a cock, even a worthless and faithless cock. Time and time again, I made it to where Regina and Faith could have stepped in and rescued Kat, but I didn’t have them do it to show how women do not stick up for each other…
I wrote the story this way for a reason. It was on design for what is to come. I’m known for cerebral fuckage. But I was astonished by the hate-on the readers had for Katya, how they felt no compassion towards her but felt it for her abusers and bullies.
It’s interesting. Lends to the blame the victim mentality. By no means should behaviors be forgiven because you were once a victim. But what about those victimizers that are so nonredeemable but we seem to love them anyway…
I just really feel the need to defend my creation. I just don’t see where this anger is coming from- this hypocrisy… and as I continue to write a story that Katya hovers around, I’m left feeling frustrated. Yes, I wrote it this way. It’s the readers’ perceptions that are baffling me…
I mean, it’s not like Kat is a whore, a murderer, a serial rapist, a criminal, a drug lord… that’s all good, right? I mean. we can just forgive that shit, right?
Kat’s only crime is that she wants to be the best at her profession instead of staying at home with the kids.. It’s the only thing Kat has any control over, and even then, it’s only perceived control. I’ve heard the mother complaints from a lot from readers. I’m a huge advocate for stay-at-home moms, I was raised by one. We are all different. Some ppl are not meant to be mommies. Neither is better than the other, it’s just lifestyle choices… choices written in a series about alternative lifestyles, I might add. Ironically, what’s perfectly fine for the beloved women in my series isn’t for Katya. Think on that for a moment… …. …. okay, Regina and Faith have careers. I actually did that to see if anyone would bitch, but they never did. Just about Katya.
Kat has sex. OMG! Yes, why, yes, she does… It’s dark erotica… aren’t they all fucking someone? But Katya isn’t banging husbands behind their wives’ backs… that’s okay for the beloved characters to betray Katya with Ezra, though, right? & the readers don’t even blame Ezra or Regina. That’s perfectly acceptable behavior… if your name isn’t Katya.
But Kat is dog shit because she doesn’t want to be humiliated and disrespected by the very women that spout empowerment and feminism? Everyone is huge Regina and Faith fans. While I love and respect my creations, I love them equally, and I made them equally as flawed as they are good.
This is something I’ve been examining for well over a year, and when I went back to fix Restraint & Unleashed… I was like, “wow. I never noticed that before.” I just want to give Katya a fucking hug.
& yes, this is raw in my mind because I wrote a 6,000 word chapter today on this very subject within Integrated. & I could list the merits of Katya Waters vs her bullies or copy/paste segments of what I’d written. But I won’t because I don’t want to taint your view of the books. I go into great depth with this, and I could now. But if you don’t realize Katya’s motivations right now, I’d rather you just read about it in Integrated.
I hope when you read Integrated that you regain your compassion and actually see things clearly. if not, I tried my damnedest through 6,000 words of my character bleeding out…
Katya is my stalking horse… You guys might not love Kat, but she is my creation… my very first creation… and more than 75% of her personality traits, physical characteristics, and even the town she lived in and the life she had led… was all me. I’ve used her to express how I’ve felt: violated, trapped, confused, lost, alone, trapped, scared, and tortured. Kat has been living how I lived, in a much more fanatical way, obviously. Right now, she is lost and trapped, and stepped on…I’ve been there- we all have. That is what is baffling me- the lack of empathy and compassion as we praise the victimizer and blame the victim… just step back and truly think on this. Your feelings of all the characters and why.
I use Katya as an example of life. We all overlook what the cocks do… and we will take sides with the vaginas, even if it’s the wrong side. But there is always one person that we hate for no fucking reason at all. Think about it… it’s true in all walks of life, every part of the world, and in every age group… and for some fucked up reason, just among the vaginas.
Interesting… as I said, never forget, I write by perception. One person’s lens may be tainted because they aren’t in the other character’s head. And everything I write is for a reason- and most likely, a psychological reason.
Please, feel free to tell me your thoughts. It’s why I wrote this. Join us in the M&M of Restraint Closed group on Facebook or email me: thewickedwriter@yahoo.com
Whatnots….
Warning: This posting will be a mishmash of a billion little bits of information… and extremely long-winded. I’ll put headers so that you may skip potions you don’t give a damn about. *wink wink* I’m riding through Ohio, destination New York (Groceries, fruit & vegetables :P) & Pennsylvania (Home) So I have a few hours of heading eastbound while glaring into the rising sun to formulate a long blog posting. Oh, and rocking out to my father’s love of Creedence Clearwater Revival, but thank goodness he’s no longer listening to his favorites on Sirius radio. I was about ready to jump from the moving car during Fox News & that eighties rock station. The wickedly bright, and always in my eyes no matter how hard I try to avoid it, sun and I are about to have words. I lost a screw in my glasses & I’m missing my transitions lenses something fierce. DANG, this freakin’ sucks!
Edited Versions of my titles
I’ve been contacted a few times in the past few hours on how to tell which version is which and if it is necessary to reread or what the changes were. Restraint, Good Girl, and Unleashed were edited and uploaded the first week of July. On the title page of these editions it will say their date of publication and their revised editions of November 2012/July 2013 (Restraint & Unleashed) & July 2013 (Good Girl) If you do not have these editions, please go to my account on Amazon, manage Kindle devices, and click to ‘turn on’ automatic updates. The newest edition should upload the next time you sync your device. Or follow the steps above until manage Kindle devices, on the library click the drop down next to the title you wish to update, and click update. You can also access this from the purchase page on Amazon (website only) you may also remove the title from device or archive, and redownload the edition. If all else fails, and it has for a select handful of ppl, please contact Amazon via telephone, and have them ‘reset’ your copy to the newest version. Most copies update, but it is out of my control and totally in Amazon’s hands. I don’t know why some update while others don’t.
The changes per title:
Restraint was lengthened from 70k to 100k. Restraint went through a lot of sentence restructure, formatting, and proofreading. I’ve grown within my craft & I want to make my work the best it can be. Restraint was polished, the scenes were expanded with description, and the storyline was fixed for issues in flow and storyline conflict. The overall premise did not change. If you think you need to reread for other than the enjoyment of beginning the series anew, no fear, there is no need. I realize that a lot of readers hate rereading, while some are like me, finding comfort in a reread. I will not change the storyline of my works unless there is a major conflict that I didn’t anticipate.
Unleashed & Good Girl were slightly lengthened by a few thousand words. I didn’t find as many errors, conflicts, or need to restructure the sentences. They basically received a thorough going over and polish.
As I write new titles, I will be going back to past titles, Dexter is next on my list… and yes, I will be going back to the beginning with Restraint & Good Girl when I finish all of my titles. I foresee me doing this until I find the titles flawless. (which is an impossibility) This also help to refresh the little things in my mind as I write new books within these series. Good Girl was a refresher for Widow, & Dexter will be a refresher before I begin The Hunter, and so on.
Thoughts on reviews:
I thank those who have taken the time to review my works, albeit positive or negative. Either way, obviously my work struck a chord within the reader enough for them to think about the story and take time from their busy lives to write a few sentences or a long review. So thank you.
I do not read reviews on principle. Any review, good or bad, is an emotional drain for me. While positive may fill me with inspiration, negative will undoubtedly demotivate my ass… and I never know if it’s positive or negative. Even a positive 5 star review can be riddled with unintentional landmines.
It’s a vicious cycle to engage in, an addiction. “This person loves me. “This person loathes me.” “OMG, I fucked that up!” By the time I read two or three reviews, I’m hunting up a razor blade (I jest. I’m not a cutter, but you get the point… and in all seriousness, I’ve thought about it before. But through the force of my massive willpower, I’ve abstained)
I have to take a step back from all of the closet backseat drivers (editors) and the people who think they can write my stories better than I can. Word of advice, you can’t. Why do I have the arrogance to say you can’t write my story better than I can? Simple, because it’s MY STORY, and I am the creator of its universe. As far as my grammar Nazis… I’ve grown a lot, and I will continue to grow within all the facets of my craft. Making fun of me when you make similar mistakes in the bashing review is kind of… interesting.
Final words: I am a human being. Just because I put my work out for public consumption does not mean you have the liberty to speak to me in any manner you wish. You do realize what I write, correct? I abhor DISRESPECT! Writer and authors alike are regular people with regular lives. We are all walking in similar directions down different paths. While I love interacting with my readers (I truly do) it is unnerving when some make demands (write it like this, you should have done this differently…) everything within my work is up to my discretion because it’s MY work. I thank you for the input. But no, I will not change who I am to meet whatever expectations you have of me. & yes, this is coming from a location of stress that I feel every time I receive this type of message or email. It’s completely inconceivable why people believe I will kotow to them for any reason, no matter how big or small.
In retrospect, the people in the digital land of the internet are just people, strangers. I liken the criticism and demands to a complete stranger walking up to me on a crowded street and making demands of me. Who wouldn’t be pissed? I have no idea who you are, as you have no idea of who I am. That’s not entirely true. I am an open book: my real name, age, location, and my words bleed upon the page. My point is that until you and I have multiple interactions over a long spans of time, like any relationship, you have no rights to me until you’ve earned it. I’m a very guarded person, I even take great offence when my nearest and dearest place pressure on me. Quickest way to clam me up, make a demand of me.
Note to everyone: It could be anyone on the other side of that user name with a stolen pic as a profile picture. Unless you are a public figure, you have no idea who is on the other side of the computer screen. So yes, the negatives wound me, but then I realize it could be anyone. This isn’t coming from a position of arrogance. Why should I heed words from someone who doesn’t know me, and may be ten years old giving me writing, editing, plotting, and storyline advice? I do not go to your place of employment or your home and follow you around telling you how to do this or that on a subject I know jack-shit about, so don’t come into my home and office through my laptop screen giving me advice about my occupation that you may or may not have any experience with. As bitchy as that last statement is, it’s all about mutual respect.
I will take all advice with a grain of salt, even from my betas and fellow writers. Because, ultimately, I am the one who has to live with my work. After all, it has my real name attached to it, not yours.
Really, think on this… Catfish was not a fictitious story!!! Scary, that!
Reader interactions:
I love hearing from readers, whether good or bad (not the readers 😉 The comments) Please be respectful, though. I don’t need you walking on eggshell or any shit like that. My self-confidence isn’t make of spun glass, but I am prone to bouts of extreme frustration. I have the ability to look in my mirror and acknowledge my faults. So you can’t say anything to me that I didn’t already know. With this said, go ahead and write me in any media you wish (email, msg, and comments on the website or Facebook pages. Friend my ass, and I’ll accept. Hell, you can write me letters if you wish)
I’ve had a lot of positive interactions with readers, and it’s been a cause of inspiration. M&M of Restraint is Dark and contains very dark themes. I’ve had a lot of abuse survivors contact me, saying I’ve helped them come to terms with their violation. You have no idea how this makes me feel. I want my readers to feel empowered by my work. While I may not write traditional HEA, my characters always end up with a feeling of completion within themselves. Do not give power to your victimizer by dwelling in the past. You are stronger than that!
Within the Playroom series, I dive into substance addiction, and it will be a thread within the series. It is something that has directly affected my life in several way, and I wish to address it. I’ve had a few readers contact me in thanks over writing about something that is usually pushed underneath the rug or dramatized as being fun and carefree. I’m a firm believer in tough love and totally against enabling the abuser. I hope this helps to push readers to change aspects of their lives that aren’t fulfilling them, negative people within their lives included.
Current works in progress:
Widow: a dual narrated storyline between the Widow & the Widower. Clover Webster and Malcolm Mason alternate chapters. Odd chapters for the Widower, & even chapters for the Widow. I’ve read a lot of multiple POV books, and it always confused me when the point of view would shift within a chapter with no real indication, and sometime within the same paragraph. I’ve had to read several paragraphs to gauge who the hell was narrating. Believe it or not, big time authors make this mistake within their books, especially those who have more than 2 narrators. My all-time favorite author is a HUGE offender. She also uses an upwards of 19 narrators (I think that was the final tally on her last published work) within this chaotic mess.
Using my idols are a model on what not to do, I decided that I would ease the transition by giving each narrator their own chapter with headings, so you never need to determine who is speaking/thinking because I told you before you began. Since this is my first foray into the land of multiple POV, I decided to simplify it with only 2 narrators.
Widow is a HEA storyline. One of the strongest romances I’ve written. While not saccharine in the least, with some very strong dark themes, it is pure romance. The Playroom series is my venture to get away from the darkness of The M&M series. There are no billionaires, fanatical storylines, or outlandish lifestyles. The Playroom is real people who have very real issues and kinks. They suffer through daily struggles with rent/mortgages, occupations, families, and children.
Good Girl was the introduction to the cast of characters. I needed it to highlight the playful naïveté of a teenager. It did not end with a cliffhanger or any real resolution because Willow Prynne is a still a child in my eyes. Willow has to grow up before she gets the life she deserves. Willow’s resolution will be within the pages of book 4 of the series. But you will continue to see Willow grow throughout book 2 and 3.
Widow was the perfect nexus for the series. The union of Malcolm and Clover gives us a glimpse of the cast of characters. Yes, I just said the union. There is no secret that they are going to hook up. In the format of romance, the format that I usually hate, mind you, you know from page one how the book will end. It’s why I’m not a fan of romance. I like a mystery. I don’t like knowing that the main protagonists are destined to be together no matter what. But in Widow’s case, it needed to be written as romance. It’s the progression of the characters as they solidify their family that sets up the rest of the series.
Widow is a sensual book. It shows the softer, gentler side of BDSM. In Good Girl, I broke down the barriers of BDSM by showing the playfulness of the lifestyle. I want readers to realize the lifestyle is NOT about abuse, force, or pain. There should always be a choice based on trust. Recently fiction has portrayed the lifestyle with an abusive filter, desensitizing readers to what is really right or wrong. Abuse is not sexy, it’s abuse, and it’s illegal. A personal violation is not romantic, no matter what light you shine on it. It’s assault. You should never allow someone to infringe upon your rights as a human being. I cannot stress this strongly enough!
Yes, I’ve written force and non-consent, but I’ve made sure you see the after-effects of such an event. I’ve shown these events to empower the victim when they survive because life is not pretty. Force is not romance, and it’s not sexy or hot. It may be some people’s kink. But there is a fine line between it being a mutual choice and assault. It’s a choice, both parties always have a choice. Don’t fall into a trap by allowing yourself to see it through a tainted filter. *lecture complete*
Back to Widow… our Widower, Malcolm Mason is the ultimate alpha male who wants to take care of his family. He isn’t abusive because he struggles with his own past. He suffers from skin hunger, and readers will experience the softer, sensual side of the lifestyle through Malcolm.
Widow sets up Wayward. Wayward will be narrated by Augustus Kline, Robin Prynne, and Isis Mason. I want to stress that the narrators do not indicate unions. While the three lifelong friends may find HEA together, you’ll have to read to find out. I’ve grouped my narrators by age and connection. Similar to book 4 with Willow Prynne and Kieren and Devon Mason. It would be disjointed to have narrators of differing ages. To read as a teen/young adult, and then be thrust in the mind of an adult would be discombobulating, especially for me as I write it.
Widow is slated for release on the final week of August. It may be sooner rather than later. Only the muse knows. Currently the book is 75k words in length, and about 3/4th completed. I have no true length on my books. I end them when the story deems it should be ended. However, I do price my books according to length.
Pricing:
I’ve never written a work under 50k, but if I do, here is the pricing guide I always follow.
10-25,000 words: 99 cents
26-40,000 words: $1.99
41-60,000 words: $2.99
61-100,000 words: $3.99
All first in a series will be listed at $3.99, regardless of length. (If shorter than 100k, will be priced less. It’s why Restraint was just raised to $3.99 from its original $2.99. The revision pushed it over 100k) First in a series are also subject to .99 cent sales and free promotions.
101,000+ words: $4.99
Over 150,000 words: $5.99
Omnibus editions & epic length novels over 300,000 words: $9.99.
Only paper editions will ever be over $9.99. Yes, I do plan on paper editions in the near future.
These prices are well under the guidelines that major publishers and independent and self-published authors use. I will never rip off my readers. I know more than anyone how horrible the economy is currently. I’d rather have my loyal fans read my books for next to nothing than go without. My code is to give the reader a lot of content and story for as little price as possible. But a girl has to eat… even if she’s on a diet.
First person present tense:
If you haven’t figured out yet, I’m just writing whatever pops into my mind as it pops into my mind. (Dude, both times I typed pops, POOPS flowed from my fingertips! *snickers) Currently, I see the sign promising Erie Pennsylvania in 40 miles, and my bladder is about to freakin’ burst. Dang you, Venti Caramel Iced Coffee from the Ohio Toll road Starbucks that litter the plazas… But alas, we’ve run out of plazas since we’ve abandoned that road for Ohio’s I-90, which seems very short on rest areas. GONNA PISS MY PANTS! A coffee piss is worse than a beer piss.
So anyhoo… case in point about first person present tense (dude, Fox news just took over CCR L) I write in this tense because it causes the reader to experience the story as it’s happening, like my current pissy pants issue. You’re reading about my predicament as I experience the bulging pressure of a full to bursting bladder.
I can’t write in past tense. I just can’t do it. I hate it when I do a flashback sequence. I also can’t write a 3rd person perspective, either. It also takes me a long time to get into a book that is written that way. I think in the here and now. So the entire time I’m reading about the “saids” and “dids” I’m like, but your dialogue is in present tense. WTF? Yeah, it confuses me and pulls me from the story. I know the norm is past tense. But… yeah, my story, my freakin’ rules! Yes, I’m a dominant personality. You should know this by now.
Plus, that third person makes me feel like a patient at an insane asylum when it’s not written properly. I’m not Ezra Zeitler of the multiple personality persuasion. Like, I’m talking about myself in third person or some shit. You don’t think, ‘she walked into the room,’ when thinking about your own actions. I’m like, “bitch, I sashayed into the room, and everyone was looking at me.”
In case you are wondering… yeah, reviews from first person perspective haters led me to this strange train of thought. *shrugs* You ain’t making me write any differently than I already do. I’ll perfect my craft, but I’m not catering to everyone’s likes. It’s an impossibility. Plus, I really do love reading first person present, so that’s what I write.
WELCOME TO PENNSYLVIANIA. My home state better cough up a freakin bathroom before I wet this leather seat with my coffee piss! OMG! A Rest Area! Thank you baby Jesus! I love you Pennsylvania for the short while before we dip back into New York, my other ridge-running state.
AH! I feel five pounds lighter! Pure bliss! & you wouldn’t enjoy my discomfort and subsequent relief if it wasn’t for the first person present tense writing J
WHAT’S NEXT?
My muse has a mind of her own. After Widow, I may or may not write The Hunter or Wayward. Sometimes as I’m writing a series and I finish one book, the next manifests immediately. Other times I’m able to go between the series with little issue. It’s why I only write 2 series at a time. Any more than that and I would go insane.
I can give you some info on The Hunter, though. I will do my damnedest to get The Hunter released before Thanksgiving. I have some events, sales and such for that time frame, and again at Christmas/New Years because of all the new devices being purchased as gifts. Yeah, it’s a long ways off, but I have to keep a schedule. I want Widow, Wayward, and The Hunter published before then. And it all depends on length. Like with Faithless, which I thought would be a short book. I never know what the book’s length will be until it tells me… so it all depends. We will see!
The Hunter: Cortez Abernathy is experiencing writer’s block, as you learned in several books and the why of it during chapter 105 of Faithless. I want to get away from a parallel storyline, flashback, dream sequences… but I want to give Cort’s perspective of past events without rehashing them to death. Cort’s story is the time frame of after they moved to Misery Castle (KING- ending chapters of Faithless) The reader will be in the present as Cort and company deal with events, but will experience the past through Cort’s newest book, The Hunter. The Hunter is an autobiographical Cortez Abernathy memoir.
Cortez’s book will be more romancy, emotional, and life-changing. It’s not a coming of age story, more of a finding one’s true path kind of story. Cortez is lost. I’ve been strongly toying with an idea, and I’m on the fence. After Widow, for the first time ever, I’m seeking the advice from my betas. What I may or may not do is irreversible, and I don’t want to fuck up my series by acting in haste. No, I’m not offing any major characters (I promise). But it will have far reaching consequences, and I do believe I’m going to do it. Sometimes I amaze myself. *snickers* Yes, you should be very worried!
Warning aside, The Hunter will be very sweet, very emotional, and as gut-wrenching as it is playful and charming. Basically, Cort’s book will be just like his personality!
Silenced: I believe will be a short book, and not because Grant doesn’t have a lot to say… it’s just that his book ties into a more complex book. But I felt it was the right time to set up what Grant has going on. His swagger and naughtiness will be a good palate cleanser between Cortez and Ezra’s emotional torture roller coaster ride from Hell. Grant has some ‘play’ he’s working on to get attention from an unlikely source. Wil kept hinting at this during Faithless. “One step closer, congrats!” kind of dialogue. Plus, Grant is mighty pissed his bedroom romp with Faith was interrupted.
Next up is Integrated (Ezra Holden Zeitler’s book). After that, it’s either Niel or Katya’s book. Yeah, that gives you a hint about what I’m toying with…
HOME NOW
What I have planned for this evening: I have a few winners to choose for the rafflecopter giveaway. I also have to send out copies of my books to a prize winner from another giveaway I was a part of. I’m doing laundry out the ass! I have to create a report for the sales for the promo weekend, and I think I will post the first two chapters of Widow (a chapter from both narrators)…
Sneaky Snakes!
As usual, after a Kindle free promotion weekend: It wasn’t good enough that I gave out thousands of FREE books, ppl must read the rest of the books for FREE as well. Unleashed had a return this morning, now there is a return for Dexter, and I’m positive there will be one for Dalton next… and so on. Now I just checked, and there are two Unleashed returns. Man, it’s amazing how people accidently one-click my books in series order, and manage to return them after reading…. Amazing… absolutely amazing…
What’s doing?
Yeah, I just totally jacked that ‘What’s doing?’ tagline from Butch O’Neil of the BDB. *snorts* My favorite brother…
What’s doing is what am I doing… thought I’d give you all a heads up. The above picture gives you all a huge clue 😉
First, if you’d love a chance to win a KINDLE PAPERWHITE & a massive amount of sexy wicked reads, go *here* and enter. Sinfully Sexy Summer Bonanza Giveaway. A digital bundle of my titles are in the giveaway. Great way to get some summer reading for free!
July 11-15 Restraint & Good Girl will be free on Amazon for the Kindle & its apps. & that is also why you will not be able to purchase those titles on B&N until September. July 11-15 I will also be holding a Rafflecopter Giveaway. Prizes: $35 Amazon Gift Card. Digital Bundle of Erica Chilson titles ($45 value) Restraint-Unleashed-Dexter-Dalton-Queen Omnibus-KING-Faithless-Good Girl. An ecopy of KING & Faithless. (click the pretty blue links to direct you to the free books and the giveaway) I will post on July 11, so it will be a fresh posting!
In preparation for the Free Promotion, I am reformatting/re-editing Restraint & Good Girl. This led me to why I want to tear my hair out. I first published Restraint on April 24th, 2012. I then went back and rewrote it in October and released the updated version on Nov. 1st, 2012. Restraint was my first book, so it has a LOT of major issues. As I’ve grown in my craft, I’ve changed my writing style. This chick has logged in almost a million words in the past year- that is a lot of growth. Wednesday night, I opened up the doc for Restraint, planning on just looking for errors and such, reformatting issues. You didn’t want to be in my thoughts… yeah… you didn’t. So yet again, I find myself REWRITING Restraint, because I feel like it sucks. I want my readers to get the best possible experience from me, and I feel like this was just shoddy writing.
Original Restraint: was only 88 pages in PDF format. I think it came out to be 120-something for Kindle and Nook. It was 52,000 words, I believe.
Revised copy: 217 Kindle & Nook pages. 70,000 words.
Now: I’m about a quarter way thru the rewrite and I’ve added 6,000 words.
I just didn’t like the flow of the story, how the scenes played out, or Katya’s lack of internal dialogue. And when she did think something, her actions belied the thoughts. God, I found that annoying as all hell. It’s doubtful I will add scenes, but I changed the dialogue, sentence structure, added description, and internal dialogue. Katya shouldn’t be a contradiction. I want the story to flow smoothly and with limited errors. I will never be able to find all of those suckers, but each one I eliminate is one less error that will break a reader from the story. You know what I mean, you’re reading along and it’s like hitting a pothole while driving, it jars you.
If you want to reread the newest version, just update your copy or download the free copy on July 11-15. I haven’t updated to the newest edition yet, because I’m not finished, so don’t go looking for it yet. It will also be formatted differently, so that’s a plus
Basically, I just didn’t want to be embarrassed by my first book… it’s the anchor of the M&M of Restraint series, after all.
Good Girl… Willow will get checked for errors, formatting issues, and sentence structure. Not much should change. And if you haven’t started the Playroom series, now’s your chance to get it for free on July 11th-15!
Faithless… is currently being read by the betas. When they give me their questionnaires and edits back and I will get back to work on Syn. The book will be $9.99 on Amazon & B&N. Why that price, you ask? Faithless spans three books: Faith, Faithless, and Syn. Think of it as an omnibus edition. It has 113 chapter… yes, 113 chapter & 330,000 words. Yes, it will take days to read! I promise you will be engrossed! Let’s hope I can find all the booboos in that many pages. Lots of chances for mishaps! My target Release is July 7th! Hopefully before then.
The Good Girl reread/re-edit/reformat is to prepare me for Widow. Widow is currently 75% completed, already over 100,000 words long. I need to add a storyline thread to it and write the ending. My target for book 2 in the Playroom series is the end of August.
I’m leaving on Vacation in a few days for a cross-country trip from Pennsylvania to New Mexico. That’s a long-ass ride, trust me. I will be working the rewrites and on Widow on the trip out. My parents and I, and our little dog, too, are going to Raton, New Mexico (NRA Whittington Center) for the BPCR Silhouette (scope & Iron sights) & the 22-caliber National Championships. My father is the returning 2012 National Champ for the Iron Sights, let’s hope he retains his title and captures the other two! Go, Dad, Go!
Send your positive thoughts to Brian Scott Chilson, because Saturday and Sunday he is shooting in the Pennsylvania State Championship! Aim true, Daddy-o!
Come next week, I will be in higher elevations dreaming of more oxygen and more humidity. This chick may live in the Appalachian mountains, but they be teeny-tiny mountains compared to the Rockies, and I love my thick swampy air. It’s an adventure, but my days are spent outside in the sweltering heat with hundreds of rifles firing. It’s a loud, hot, dirty day… and not the sexy kind. I get a lot of writing and reading done while on vacation. Once my rewrites are completed, I’ll break into my Kindle and nook Apps.
My 35th birthday is rapidly approaching… ugh… if someone could send me a dirty sexy hottie tied up in only a red bow…. yeah… But what I’d really like is for all of my fans to spread the word about my works. I’m trying my damnedest to provide intense entertainment. Word of mouth is a self-published author’s bread and butter. If you could share the links to the giveaway on Twitter and Facebook, add my books on your Goodreads profiles, and quickly tap out a review on Goodreads and Amazon, I would be thoroughly appreciative.
I love my fans, they offer me endless amounts of inspiration and encouragement. Writing is private. We bleed on the pages… but then we have to publish and be under constant assault. You never know if a message, comment, or email is a good one or one that will wreck you for an hour, a day, or a week. Total inspiration sappers, that. Plus, emotions do not transfer well in digital media. Meaning, I could write something and everyone will take it the wrong way… happened to day, in fact. But that’s how the msgs, emails, and comments are for me. So I thank you for keeping me real, down to earth, and firmly yanking my head out of my ass.
Peace out… off to rewrite Restraint for its betterment! Happy Wicked Reading!
Note to readers
This is within the pages of Faithless.
~Note to Readers~
There are a lot of misconceptions on what constitutes Dark Erotica or BDSM Fiction. Many would say that I do not write within my genre. I’ve read a myriad of contradictory statements. Every genre is broken down into sub-genres. But a lot of the misconception breaks down to a lack of knowledge.
BDSM doesn’t mean you live your life in a dungeon. It also doesn’t mean that your life is consumed with kink. While hot to read, the people of the lifestyle are not sexual beasts. They have lives, jobs, families, hobbies, and friends that do not revolve around kink.
My books are not centered in a dungeon, because life is not centered in a dungeon. I just cannot write one dimensionally. This works for shorter novels or standalone shorts and novellas, but not a longstanding series. I have to show all the facets of life to create a three dimensional storyline with lifelike characters… and sometimes, life just isn’t sexy.
Eroticism in my series: again, people have varying libidos. I cannot write every character as a sexual deviant that runs around dry-humping everyone like a dog. Each book is individually written based on the character. Some of my characters are randy sonsofbitches and others are more passive. I find that the overuse of sex in a book is just as bad as no sex in a book. I cannot connect with a book when it’s punch-you-in-the-face sex from the very first chapter. I need teased and enticed. I want a book to seduce me right along with the characters. Readers may read one hundred pages and find no sex or they may find sixty pages of sexually explicit content within my books. Why? It depends on my characters, my mood when plotting and writing, and the flow of the storyline. I will never write sex just for the sake of sex. If you find a random hookup in my books… it’s never random.
Mistress & Master of Restraint is the title of the series, and not because it revolves around Restraint. The Mistress & Master denotes that the narrator of each book will be a Dominant. The Restraint denotes it as the common denominator- the link between the characters. You may read a book and never enter Restraint. But all of the books will be narrated by a Dominant and be connected to Restraint.
Another BDSM misconception: BDSM isn’t necessarily about sex. The lifestyle varies as much as any culture varies. BDSM is always about release: sexual, mental, emotional, spiritual, pleasure, and pain. It could be a combination of one or two, all of them, or only one. But it most certainly doesn’t have to be sexual. It is a hunger that is being fed. As beings, we need sustenance, oxygen, water, sleep, sex, and companionship. Why would BDSM only feed one of your biological needs? And biological doesn’t always equate sexy.
Dominance: it is inborn. You are either dominant or you are not. You cannot learn it. Often in Dark Erotica or BDSM Fiction, books will portray the Dominant in a very cruel light. I’d heard from many that Dexter wasn’t cruel enough of as sadist. Dominant means you are a natural born leader, not an ABUSER. Cruel is abuse. As a survivor of domestic violence, abuse is never sexy.
I’ve heard from readers that they do not like children in my books, and a few said they didn’t want marriages and pregnancies. I assume this is because readers want fantasy, and this is too real to life. I cannot connect with a book that is missing major life events. Children exist or we wouldn’t have any adults. Pregnancies exist or we wouldn’t have any more children. What is sex? Sex is a biological need to mate- mate to create children. It blows my mind that my books should be without pregnancy, children, or unions. Seriously?
While real life isn’t sexy… it’s real.
HEA/HFN: I’ve written blog posting about this subject. My characters always have a HEA, it may not be within their book, and it may not be within a coupling. I believe HEA begins and ends inside of you. If the character is content with their lot in life, then they have reached their HEA. And on the opposite end: Dexter, again, readers felt he shouldn’t have an HEA because he is a sadist. I’ve heard this with Syn, as well. Why not? While fictitious, they are human beings. Only a submissive person should be happy, even if they have a nasty personality?
Romance: nowhere are the M&M books listed as romance. A few popular series that are listed as Romance, dip their toes in the BDSM or Erotica or Dark Erotica pool. The mainstream readers believe that all these types of novels should read just as those do. They are disappointed when my books do not read like a romance novel. I have another series, the Playroom, which has more romantic themes- less dark. I say less dark instead of light and romantic themes instead of romance, because I am incapable of light and romancy reads. I write darkly, twisted, sarcastic, wounded, raw and gritty, suspenseful and mysterious. Just as I do not write one dimensional characters, I do not write within one genre. I do not write to outrage or titillate or freak out my readers. I just write what my imagination tells me to write.
I guess the reason for this note is to clear up some of the misconceptions about my writing. I will not write to please specific readers, because it is impossible to please everyone. Hell, I love a lot of books the majority loathes, and I loathe a lot of books the majority loves. What’s the saying… no book is ever read the same way twice and no two readers read the same book.
Possessed by my characters
I’ve had a lot of stops and starts with Faithless. I believe I’ve attempted to write it 5 or 6 times, and then I burn the hell out. In the past, I’ve written books in one sitting. What I mean by that, is that nothing distracts me until the first draft is completed. I won’t read, watch tv, shop. Usually I ignore small things *cough cough* major things: Family. Responsibilities. Hygiene (um, I’m clean, dammit!) (HA!) I have two feet of natural curly hair so it gets ignored by being twisted on my head- washed, not combed, and tied the hell up. I feel mildly guilty over the fact that I am well on my way to dreadlocks. I think I could pull it off. & it’s sundress weather- time to break out the razor and paint the tootsies 😉
Faithless has been different. I will make huge headway over a period of 4-5 days, and then burn the hell out. One reason is that Faithless is like the length of the first 5 books in the M&M series. It took me a while to figure out that was some of it. I HAD written the length of a first draft, just not the length of Faithless’ first draft.
This time around, I’ve dicked off. I’ve worked on Wicked Reads stuff. Played around on the websites. All in the name of saying I’m doing something productive in my career. I don’t believe in play until I finish one book and haven’t started another. But I seem to forget that in the first four months of 2013 I’ve published Good Girl, written Widow, written KING, and written part one of Faithless, hell, I even started The Hunter. So in retrospect, I shouldn’t feel guilty for the hundreds of hours spent playing the Sims 3 and for reading like 50 books in the past six weeks.
And I called this pretend to work while trying to relax time: Writer’s Block.
I’ve been a moody bitch, biting and snapping and feeling unhinged- MANIC. Everything is rubbing on my last nerve. It’s not like I’m crying or anything. Frankly, I feel like I could hurt something.
Two reasons for my Faithless difficulty:
Length:
I have no idea how long this book will be. A conservative guesstimate is 1000+ pages. I have well over 100 chapters outlined and I already have 34 written. So yeah, that 134 chapters in a book. We are talking at least 10 pages per chapter. So these writing tangents where I feel like I didn’t get a lot of progress. I did. It’s just so long that you don’t see it. Like a sprint vs a marathon. It’s demotivational.
Possession:
My past characters haven’t been sunshine and rainbows or anything. Dalton is Emo for heaven’s sake. Whitt was a breath of fresh air. Angsty Willow was snarkilicous to write. Easy-peasy, so fresh and breezy. SYN… *groan* that girl takes a lot out of me, and I am just getting to the part where she thinks she might be a sadist. It’s only going to get worse from here on out.
As I write, I develop my character. I have to become one with the character to accurately write them. I know them inside and out. When I first started writing, I didn’t get as absorbed, and I’m sure the reader can notice this. I’m not as invested in Kat, or even Dexter. Don’t get me wrong, I love them. I just don’t know them. By the time Queen was written, I pretty much was taken over by Regina. And it’s obvious. Regina is a strong woman, but loving and kind.
SYN– I’ve been Possessed by SYN.
That is an atrocious place to be. You’ve read about our Petite Sadist. You’ve witnessed her grunts and sneers and snarls. After a day or five of being inside Syn’s head, I have to call it quits. Seriously, she is making me manic. She is sweet and loving and broken. She is snide and nasty and deadly. She is fierce and loyal. Syn takes no prisoners.
Syn has affected how I deal with outside forces. I am very tactful and pleasant. I can look you in the eye and smile while I think the sarcastic remarks that will never leave my lips. But Syn. Syn makes me say those remarks. Syn makes me post statuses and comments and blog posts. She isn’t satisfied if she feels disrespected. She is disciplined and she demands a lot of me.
Syn & I have came up with an agreement. We will push out those chapters a few days at a clip, and then Erica gets 24-48 hours to remember she is Erica.
Bitch-slaps through the laptop screen
Note before you read on: I DO want you all to email, msg me, reach out to me. I love it! I’m just easing some pressure by writing something that I will call- venting. Writers vent through the written word. We are an introverted bunch who don’t feel comfortable outwardly confronting people face-to-face. & you’ll get a peek into my warped mind. & warning, this blog posting will go all to hell as my mind dumps all the fears and emotions my manic mind has been inundated with for weeks. My apologies in advance.
Sometimes I dread opening my email every morning. I never know what is in there- it’s like Pandora’s box or a snake readying to strike. It’s always a mix of spam, notes from friends, fan mail, Wicked Reads stuff, the usual notifications… and then there is the kind that feels like a brick to the face.
I DREAD looking in there. I have so many responsibilities and it’s difficult to get a moment’s peace within my own head, let alone when dealing with everyone in my life. I see the unopened Wicked Reads mail and makes me feel guilty. Wicked Reads is a sideline project. I do that to help connect readers with Independent and Self Published Authors, along with the high profile authors that are in the mainstream. I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing my own work first, but as irrational as it is, I do.
Basically, I feel pressured.
I work… hmm… anywhere between 10-24 hours per day. Yes, I said 24 hours. I have pulled 63 hours of constant writing before passing the hell out. When the muse is firing, I can’t escape, even through sleep. So when I get a few winks and wake refreshed to begin anew… the first thing I do is my responsibilities- check email, respond on Facebook-Goodreads-the Blogs, and then I get to work. The problem with this is, is that it is very demotivational. If I receive hate mail for instance, or anything that feels like pressure, I lose all interest and drive to work.
I’m a lot like the Masters in my books- I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO- HATE IT! *I feel better now* It’s why I am a self-published author, I control my world. I’m so spiteful that if I already planned on doing something and someone pressures me to do it, I WON’T. After years of being reduced to dog shit, I refuse to kowtow to anyone.
I get fan mail and it puts a smile on my face, but inwardly I know that for each fan there are dozens of haters. It is just how it is. I’ve learned to accept this and move on. My skin is very thick. I KNOW my books aren’t for everyone. Many think they are getting a quick, sexy read. I’m not quick and I’m not sexy. We write what we know. I’m dark. I’m sardonic. I’m sarcastic. I’m quiet and moody. I’m friendly when I feel like it. I am an introvert. I like to laugh. I like to make ppl laugh. I’m a control freak. I have OCD. I am emotionally numb on the outside and a stew of feeling on the inside. My books reflect me. They are emotional, dark, twisted, sarcastic, and sometimes not very pleasant. My characters are mix of who I am or who I’d like to be- trait wise. I use writing as an outlet to leak my feelings so I do not implode.
People in general want to be happy. They want to smile. They want a HEA life. They believe in romance and fairytales. They believe that in order to be happy you must have a partner who will make you happy. They believe love is the ultimate happily ever after.
I’m not most people.
I just want to be content doing what feeds my soul. I believe in self-enlightenment. The ultimate HEA is within yourself.
My characters may or may not get hooked up with the love of their life, because I don’t believe in the love of your life. We are individuals and we can’t help but hurt the ones around us. People lie, hurt, betray, and die on us. People make us laugh, smile, feel loved and complete. But we are born alone and we die alone. Yes, I sound morbid. No, you don’t have to agree with me. My philosophy is that you have to be happy with yourself, because that’s the only person you cannot escape.
Within my books: some of my characters get romance, while some get a partner or two or remain alone. Sex may just be sex, or about pain, or release, or pleasure, or an act of connection. My characters are bad and good- not one single one of them is a saint, because we are all sinners. We are all good and bad- selfish and selfless. Human Nature.
My reason for laying that out for all of you is that the hate mail or reviews do get to me. No matter how thick of an emotional skin I shield myself with, it still permeates and stings. On one hand, I feel I shouldn’t have to explain my reasonings. On another, I feel the need to connect with my readers.
I apologize if I sound angry or threatening. If you’ve read my work, you realize I am slightly intimidating, less so in person. When reading something, you can never be sure of the emotion behind it. Today’s emotion: frustration. But this is written with a clear head and an open mind. I’m simply clearing up some misconceptions. If you feel this is directed towards you, don’t. I’ve had at least a dozen comments of some kind on each of the following. I appreciate the notification because it allows to me explain myself.
A few complaints from readers:
#1 complaint from readers and reviewers: NO HEA.
Not true.
Dexter has an HEA.
Dalton has an HEA.
Whitt has an HEA.
Regina has an HEA (how you ask? Within herself)
Every character has went though life altering events and come out of it stronger, resilient, alive. They know what’s in their heart. So does it matter if they run off in the sunset with the sexual partner of their choice? We have people in our lives who feed different needs. Friends to vent to, who offer a shoulder to cry on. Parents who lend unconditional love. Sexual partners who give us release. How is it humanly possible to be all things for another person? The pressure that creates is suffocating. I know, I lived it. You can never be all things to one person- it’s impossible. Am I saying that you need 2-3 partners. No, get your head out of the gutter, this isn’t just about sex. Married couple seek their parents, friends, coworkers for advice and comfort because sometimes you just can’t talk to the ones you love. So that HEA, where the sun sets as they walk down the beach, is just bullshit. A couple is just a couple- a beginning. Outside forces will always make an impact, and if you aren’t strong within yourself, you will HURT your partner. Therefore, HEA, is in you.
Those who don’t agree with what I just wrote, that’s fine. I take no offense. My books just aren’t for you, in the same way many books aren’t for me.
SMUT
When explaining what I write, people stare at me. Like one grandmother asked if my other grandmother knows what I write. No, should it matter? She was clearly judging me, trying to shame me. I don’t write for anyone but myself. I do not feel ashamed about what I write.
I’ve read reviews that say, Ugh, smut! It was nasty! or EROTICA- no! I remember those because I was downrated with a one star for that. You’ve read my work, so you know damned well that they didn’t. I have a lot of these. I’m in the erotica genre because of content- the explicitness- the violence. I have nothing against sex. I love a hot, raunchy read. But do not call my work something it isn’t. I can’t explain what it is. Is it erotica, BDSM, suspense? The only thing I know for sure that it isn’t, is romance. I hold firm to the DARK part of erotica.
I get a lot of wink wink and nudge nudge from people. Like I’m a sexual fiend. If they only knew, huh? I’m a heluva lot more mentally twisted than they imagine- I hold myself back in that area. They see my books and think that I’m amoral or a deviant. Shall I give a very surprising fact about myself? I think I will. The only man who has ever sexually touched me was my ex-husband. I’ve been a very good girl, who’s had very bad things happen to her. It irrevocably changes you. So the snickers and sneers from random strangers or the friends from school who found religion who look at me crosswise, yeah… I’ve never even broke those commandments you’re so fond of. But I bet you have, so don’t judge and I won’t judge you.
My cynical self says, Self, do what you can live with, and forget about the haters!
To each their own- Carpe Diem.
Dom/DommeYes, I write from the dominant perspective. Why, you ask? Um, really? You have to ask that? I’m a control freak. I am a dominant personality. I’ve created a list of rules I abide by on a daily basis. I’ve lived as a reluctant submissive, so I know how it feels. But not really. It was forced on me through emotional warfare. I didn’t accept that position, so I can’t accurately imagine the emotions a real submissive person feels. I can do a Switch because after being emotionally dampened and then finding my way back to my true self, I can imagine how a Switch mentally feels.
The down rating for my work being erotica or not romance or not from the submissive pov is just total bullshit. It’s like me going over to the cookbooks on Goodreads and giving one stars ratings because I don’t read cookbooks. I don’t even downrate the books I read that don’t do it for me. It takes a lot to get me to give a book less than a 3 star. Out of respect, I will 3 star it and say that it wasn’t for me- because it wasn’t. Which is on me, not the author. But in the case of reading my work only to find out it’s from a Dom pov, I put it all out there for the reader. There is a HUGE disclaimer stating what is within the pages. The title of the series is MISTRESS & MASTER of Restraint. So I get angry when I receive a downrating because it is in the dominant perspective. The title says it all. Obviously you will be reading about a dominant personality within my story. If you don’t get that… *bites tongue*
EditingI know the more books I sell, the more likely that I will receive comments about the editing. (EVERY authors gets this, btw. I’m shocked at the number of closet-editors or backseat-editors there are) I take it with good grace. I try not to be offended. I try not to be defensive. Why? Because I know my books need work. I don’t want to explain as if I am making excuses for shoddy work that you are purchasing and reading. That isn’t the case. I WORK my ass off- constantly. It has officially been one year and one week since I became a published author. I could spout about the amount of books I’ve written or the pages, groups, and websites I run, or the day job I have. I won’t.
I am ashamed, and I shouldn’t be. I want to make excuses by comparing my work to others, but I don’t. I compare my books with my books. Restraint’s first edition was bad- laughable bad. Since I issued the second edition, I’ve had so much growth-growth that I will use when re-editing my books. So as it stands, the first few books and as you go up the series, they get better editing wise, but nowhere near where I want or need them to be.
I want to say that when writing, it is IMPOSSIBLE to catch it all. Your mind replaces the words. Look at your Facebook Statuses, and then I want you to tell me I need to fix my work- that is just a few sentences- 50 or so words, not thousands. Everyone misses a word or two out of ten- every single one of us does it. Authors, English teachers, Doctors, students- we are just people who make mistakes. so don’t judge me for 20 out of 120,000. So I can pretend that I’m not offended, but I am. I freely admit this. I DO NOT have an editor. I AM my editor. (I will explain why that angers me in a moment)
I liken the emails and comments about editing to walking up to a chubby girl and saying You’re FAT! Do you honestly believe she doesn’t already knows this? Is there an alternate universe where she thinks she’s a size zero? Do you not believe that she doesn’t own a mirror. Do you believe this makes her a bad person? Honey, do you really need to eat that? What the girl is thinking is, go away, bitch. I have a right to eat. I’ll die without air, water, or food. What the other person is really saying, I own you. I control you. Do as I say or I will make you feel badly about yourself. It’s just a few moments of superiority while the other person cries. It’s all about pushing your will onto another human being.
I make mistakes. I own them and acknowledge them. It doesn’t give you a right to smack me in the face with it and it doesn’t make me a bad writer- just a bad editor. Honestly, I think I’m a damned fine writer and I’m a so-so editor that is improving by leaps and bounds. I’m proud of that. I proud that I’m doing TWO jobs- and many more. Most authors outsource the editing and other aspects of publishing.
Even if the comment in written with no offense, it is still a helpful insult, now isn’t it? I’m not directing this to any person. I’m just letting you know how I feel. I’ve enjoyed the communications that have been born from these inquiries. Some, not so much.
I do not have an editor. I am trying. I will fix it. Time- I just need time. Time heals all wounds- not in writing. Time clears the mind so you see what is actually there, not what the mind overlays. Restraint isn’t perfect, but each book is better than the last. Am I cocky and arrogant? No, I will go back to the beginning when enough time eclipses so it’s not a waste of time to over-edit.
I could be a stubborn bitch, like I want to be. I planned on re-editing and reformatting Restraint after Faithless was released. I planned on re-editing a book in between writing new books. I could do what I love to do, which is a mental fuck you when I go against what you said for spite, even though I already planned on it anyway. But I will be an adult and tell my dominant nature to bend a little bit.
My editor comment. I do plan on getting a reputable editor because I plan on releasing my books in softcover within the next year. I have to bank monies to pay for an editor. If I’m a control freak, then you might as well call me a tight-wad too. Parting with the money that I have worked so hard for will be a challenge.
Money:
I’m not sure readers get this part of the equation. I gave away 4,444 books this last cycle- over 8,ooo since Restraint’s release. I intercept blog web search results daily from ppl looking to pirate my work. I give a lot of books away to readers for review, as gifts, or for the honest person who can’t afford the book but wants to read it.
Restraint was 99 cents for 4 months out of the 12 it’s been released. Meaning I only made 33 cents a copy. I spent thousands of hours writing it, fielding nasty comments, and I get 33 cents for the copies that were obtained legally. So when I get those editor comments, it hurts me. I’d love an editor… you feeling me here?
What I really want to say is that I’d love to afford a quality, professional, thorough editor. But since I can’t, I’m riding a learning curve.
The other books. I have to be competitive with my pricing. I joke around with my buds, but it’s to cover the hurt. If I were to pricepoint my books in correlation with other authors in my genre by wordcount or number of pages- Queen should have been almost $200. Instead I made it $9.99 for the 3 book set. Now, I do not get that 1o bucks. I get 6-something or 3-something depending on the territory it was purchased. Now you must factor in the pirates who read Queen, or the books that are lent. You can purchase a copy from Amazon and then lend one to a friend for a certain amount of time. I do not get paid for that, either.
Restraint is in the Amazon program so you can borrow it with your prime membership. I do not get full price for that either.
Then there are the nasties that play the return game. They purchase my books one after the other, read, return, read, return. They feel since they aren’t keeping the ‘physical’ book that it isn’t a crime. I don’t get paid for the story they read either. Don’t get any ideas. But I look at my sales report and watch it get an additional return- Restraint-Unleashed-Dexter-Dalton-Jaded-Queened-Checkmate-*Queen*-KING. One right after the other within days. This happens several times per month- the entire series, minus a few Restraint returns.
Now, I understand returning Restraint if it isn’t for you, but you do have the sample option. You sample, see if it’s to your liking, and then either buy or don’t. What I don’t understand is returning any of the books past Unleashed. It is obvious it was a read/return issue and it is a crime. You can’t buy a book from a retailer, take it home, read it, and then return it. By book 4, or hell, book 8, you know my writing style, my voice, the story. You won’t be returning a book unless you accidentally hit the one-click or you are cheating.
Then I read books that are by huge publishers. They are riddled with grammar errors, misspelling, plot holes I can fill a story with, or no story at all. I read a book by a New York Times bestselling author a week ago and I was incensed- seething. It was rushed. No editing. No commas. Like 3 pages without a comma. I had to reread sections or even pages to make heads or tails. Common mistakes that anyone wouldn’t miss. Not twenty mistakes- HUNDREDS! This book had an editor. This book had a publisher. This book cost 3 times as much as my own. This book had no story. Whether the end or the beginning nothing changed. This infuriates me.
So when I get comments about editing. I UNDERSTAND. I’m trying my fucking best! I don’t have a support staff. I don’t have a publisher, an editor, an agent, illustrator, web designer, computer programer, or publicists. I do all those jobs by myself!
But what I do have is integrity, a drive to perfect my craft, and I will fix it until it is as good as it will ever get. Just give me the time to grow and learn. I really am trying my best.
So I wanted to break something when I read that book. Not directed at the author. Those ppl I don’t have, didn’t do their JOB, and then they published a book to bilk the readers out of their hard-earned money. This book has thousands of 5 star reviews & I get a one star because of my genre. Give me a fucking break!
So yes, this posting has taken a turn to the bitch-zone. I’m TIRED! I feel exposed, raw.
The title of this blog post is: Bitch-slaps through the Laptop screen. My laptop is my office. How would you feel if a stranger came into your home or office and told you that you weren’t doing your job? Mind you, they don’t do or understand your profession. I know that being an author gives people the feeling that you are public, that they have a right to insult or chastise or tell you what to do or what they want.
I am a human being. I make mistakes. Every day I wake up to go to work, only my job requires an intense concentration- a concentration that is as fragile as glass. So as I work, these fists come through my laptop screen and punch me in the face or shake me. Voices screaming into my face that they want this or that from me.
Demands!
Now at your office, your boss would be wicked pissed if you were writing a report and a dozen randoms walked into your office and started punching and screaming at you. How would that be for productivity? My boss is very angry, and her name is Erica.
This feeling of being public domain helps as much as it hurts. I’ve been manic lately- ill at ease. While some interactions are uncomfortable, others inspire or comfort me- even the nudge nudge wink wink or the helpful insult. It is the manner in which the message is intercepted or the mood I am in.
Two night ago, a group of ladies inspired me. I was dealing with the worst case of writer’s block I’d ever suffered. Five minutes of their time revitalized me. In less than 48 hours I wrote 30,000 words- that is more than some books people publish. I am thankful for this type of interaction, it is what feeds my need to create- while one saps energy from me, the other refuels me.
This is why I hate reading my emails, msgs, and comments. 3 hours have passed and I haven’t worked. I’ve bitched and vented. I’ve stuck my foot into my mouth and alienated people. But as I’ve said, I wake with an energy to write and one simple helpful insult derails the day. Even if it isn’t about my writing. Wicked Reads needs this or that. This group or page or blog needs attention. My home, family, and job need attention. I have to be other people’s shoulders to cry on or their rock of support.
Such is life.
But the life of a working writer is difficult to balance. We don’t go to an office and shut the door. There is no 9-5 where ppl know to leave you alone. It’s always, you got a minute? Can you do this for me? Can I ask a favor? Just one more thing? and then your days is gone, your creativity is sapped, and no words were written on a page. You are left feeling angry and repressed while those around you needs have been met, but not yours- never yours.
As you can see, Syn and I are in perfect symmetry. I will have no issue writing our petite sadist.
I have one more addition. Faithless will be over 1000 pages in length. I am warning you, not because this is an issue. I am simply saying it will be $9.99. That sounds expensive. But many popular, indie or self published reads are only 30 pages and marked at a $4.99 pricepoint. This is a difficult position for me. I could have split the book into 3 and sold it separately. But I want my fans to read my books at a reasonable price with a heluva lot of content and story.
That was my sad joke: As I get ripped for editing, genre, HEA, or a myrid of things, Faithless should be priced at $166.00. Now, who is getting ripped off here: the reader who had to read the wrong tense, or the writer who is dodging potshots and written insults while trying to stay centered enough to create something from nothing?
Be kind. Be respectful. Be content. And do what you love. Peace out!
WIP changes
Today has been a busy day. I created a giveaway for Wicked Reads reaching a goal of 2000 fans. Scroll down a post and enter as of Midnight. I tweaked, fixed some formatting issues, and reworded the epilogue of KING. Those who already have a copy, it’s worded slightly different, but still the same, story-wise. KING has been uploaded to B&N and Amazon. Within the next 12-48 hours it will be available for purchase. I’ll give a shout out when it’s live, and update the purchase links in the M&M of Restraint tab. I’ve also rearranged some things on this website, updated info and such. Lastly, updated Goodreads.
Now to the meat of this blog posting. What’s Erica up to lately.
I’ve been on the fence over quite a few things- disquiet- twitchy. KING was completed weeks ago. I had fixed the beta edits and reread the thing 7 times over. But I still didn’t publish. I wanted to do a scene that was needed, but not from Daniel’s POV. I decided on a epilogue. Here is one of my biggest issues. Faithless was going to be an info-dump book. For those of you who don’t know what that means, you’re inundated with a shit-load of info. I hate that. So KING’s epilogue is a two-for-one. Ezra narrates the epilogue and he dumps a ton of information that will help while reading the future books. In fact, I let so much info out that it is confusing. But who better to confuse you then our insane Dr. Lunatic? I think I will include this epilogue in the future books it impacts. Part two of the two-for-one epilogue, who doesn’t want to see Ez get his groove on? Hmm… he was so lonely, too. 😉
Warning: KING’s sex scenes are 90% gay, with only 1 straight scene and 1 bi scene. But if you didn’t know Daniel Whittenhower II was gay by now…. & frankly, I hope I broaden your horizons. Love is love, sex is sex, it shouldn’t matter who you’re with.
Back to my disquiet twitchiness… Something was just off. Widow is calling to me. “Hey, we’re over here. Click us and write!” I’m not feeling particularly romancy right now. Faithless was screaming, “Deadline! Deadline! Deadline.” & I was muttering to myself, “I don’t want to write you right now, stfu! Cort and I need to mind-meld for awhile.” I mean, who the hell wouldn’t want to converse with Cort?
My issue, King isn’t a new beginning, just a turning point. Queen’s books and Dalton closed out a mindset of the series. Using the word story-arc isn’t correct. King is just an introduction, a buffer between Dalton/Checkmate and Faithless. Just as how the story progressed timeline-wise with Jaded, Queened, Restraint/Unleashed/Dexter/Dalton/Checkmate, King bridges the gap of Faithless/The Hunter/Silence.
I have to write those three books at the same time. None of them can be released before the first draft of the next is completed. The current time, there is only a two-day gap between books, backstory not included. Silence will be as KING is, a change.
I will explain without too much detail.
Faithless: Faith Simpson as a fifteen-year-old thru the present day Syn. We see how her life brought her to the here and now. Her friendship with the Ezes and her entanglement with Wil. Syn’s book ends an hour after KING does. Daniel goes looking for Syn after the last line of chapter thirty-seven of KING. Final Chapter of Faithless, and then KING’s epilogue begins. So yeah… this is a difficult puzzle I’ve created.
The Hunter: Cortez Abernathy. The prologue is of a twelve-year-old Cort running through the woods playing with Ez. Chapter One, he awakes from his memory, a seventeen-year-old young man thrust into a nightmare. We experience that time frame in graphic detail. The King epilogue flows to the ending of The Hunter. Ez has some explaining to do.
Silence: Grant Whittenhower. He wants to tell you why he did the things he’s done. Since he no longer has a voice to call his own, he’s going to write about it. The Epilogue brings hell down on him. I only have a small bit of his book outlined, seeing as it’s books away. But about a third into the story, we progress into the present. Meaning, what happens in the epilogue, the rest of the book is the aftermath.
After that: No clue. Truly toying between Niel and Wil. I can’t say how much life is left in the series. But I can tell you, Marcus or Ezra will be the final book. Whoever isn’t last, comes just before. We have many characters before that. Whether novellas, shorts, or full-length novels. I didn’t create these character for them to fade into the aether without telling their story.
What this means for the Playroom series: It’s on hold until Silence is complete. It could be fall or closer to 2014. I don’t know. I do know that I will not write M&M book 12 until book 4 of the Playroom is published. As I said, Silenced is a turning point for M&M. I don’t know where I want to go from there. However, I do know where I want to go with the Playroom. I don’t foresee more than 6 or so books in this series. No side characters will be written about. I love the story. I just feel that the core group needs its due. This is how I see it. Obviously, I’ve been known to change my mind. *snickers* but in this case, it’s always been a solid vision. This is my HEA series. Good Girl ended as it did because Willow wasn’t ready yet…
*The names next to the title don’t denote a couple. Just narrators.*
Good Girl: Willow
Widow: Malcolm Mason, Clover Webster
Wayward: Isis Mason, Robin Prynne, Augustus Kline
4: Willow Prynne, Devon Mason, Kieren Mason
5: 1 of the Mason boys from book 4 & his sister Raven will share the narration of this book
6: Weston Mason, Seth Webster.
That’s all folks!
The completion of the Playroom will allow me to write anew. Either I will work on the two paranormal/fantasy series I’ve created or think of something fresh and original. I will only ever do 2 projects at a time. I already feel like Ezra most days. I can’t do 3 or 4 series at once.
When will what be done by when?
Guesstimates are highly tentative.
Faithless: May
The Hunter: July
Silence: August/September
Widow: September (75% written already)
Wayward & book 4: December-ish
My 2014 will be new, because I haven’t nary a clue on what I’m going to write. And yes, I get that today is April 1st. I might be creative, but my logical mind needs structure. So I’m all scheduled up for the next 8 months!
Off to ruin a trio of boys and a girl jogging along a wooded path. Told ya, not feeling romantic at the moment!
A look back…
A look back at the creation of Mistress and Master of Restraint series. I began writing Restraint, exactly one year ago… Wow. Time feels as if it flies by, but in reality, it’s burst of speed and moments where it slows to a crawl. When I remember my journey, some moments jump out at me, while other mute to the background.
Restraint was meant to be a novella at most. When it was completed, I thought it was over. I’d left it open to interpretation so that if I decided to enter that world again, I could. But I tied it up enough that readers would be satisfied.
Restraint was the first book that I’d completed.
It was the first book I had the nerve to publish.
It was totally unexpected. I was writing a fantasy novel. I remember waking up one morning with an idea. Huh? A book about a BDSM club? Really? Can I do that? Do I dare to even talk about it? I excitedly started writing. I wrote Restraint while my grandmother was staying with us. I wrote a dirty, sick and twisted book while sitting on the sofa next to my 93 yr old grandma. I shit you not!
I’d caught the writing bug after I published Restraint. Unleashed was written in a heartbeat. I was sad to see it end. So sad, in fact, that I couldn’t end it. Finally, inspiration struck. Who said I had to end it? I decided on a continual series narrated by different characters.
I published Unleashed and I still didn’t talk about it. It was like my books were some dirty secret I hid with the skeletons in my closet.
I started on Dexter. He was the obvious choice being that he was the nexus to several sets of characters. Midway through Dexter, Dalton was screaming at me. He was next, but he didn’t want to wait his turn. I wrote half of Dalton when Dexter was only a quarter finished. I wrote both books simultaneously. I published them both on my 34th birthday.
Still not talking about it. Still blushing when people ask what I do for a living. My mom was still smoothing it over, neglecting the fact that I write Dark Erotica.
Queen was next, but I knew Jack-shit about her. I knew her name, that’s it. On a long cross-country trip, I started Cortez (40 K that will hit the garbage when I butcher it) Suddenly, I knew who Queen was. One book turned into 3, with an omnibus edition.
Midway through book 3 of Queen’s, M&M #7… Dead-end. Good Girl was born to help me relax and lighten the dark within me. I proceeded to rewrite, restructure, re-edit, reformate, and butcher all the books from the very beginning. 7 books. Some major changes occurred.
After Checkmate, I was lost. I set up for a huge beginning on KING and I didn’t know how to write it… I didn’t want to let the readers down.
Good Girl again… I published it and began Widow. I was so enthusiastic about Widow, that I outlined Wayward.
The day I scheduled to start writing on Widow again, after a two week break, lightning struck. The most amazing thing happened; my mind cleared enough to allow new information to filter in. You can become blind in your writing, where you see only one possible path, but it’s not the right one. I knew the direction to take King.
KING is an important book and it was scaring me that I couldn’t do it. I’m not sure how I did it, or if the readers will enjoy it, but it flawlessly fused all the books together. What you thought you knew, you didn’t. KING has the foundation Restraint wasn’t. KING WILL hold the rest of the series without fail. I’m feeling closed-lipped about it. I want it to be a surprise.
One year since the conception of Restraint. I’m writing M&M #8- almost 40k (93 manuscript pages) in 4 days. I know the path that the next few books will take. The next books in the series will be: Faithless, M&M #9 (Syn). Untitled #10 (Cortez) and I believe #11 will be dedicated to Levi Wilson.
The series will maintain its dark edge, but it’s darker now. Mystery and intrigue. I’m curious to see where this takes me. We’ll see.
Happy conception, Restraint!!! Your 1st birthday is quickly approaching- April 24th.
In case you were wondering, when someone asks what I write, I proudly tell them. If anyone calls my books smut, I let the bitch-monster out. Be forewarned.
WIP: Widow/KING/Wayward
This is a quick Work in progress update since a large amount of readers have flocked to my blog wondering when KING will be released.
I’m halfway through Widow. Widow has a cover and a final outline. I guesstimate 3 weeks of writing time, a few weeks of beta reads, and a late March release.
I’d wanted to be a rockstar and have KING or Wayward released by the year anniversary of Restraint, April 24th. That would have put me at 11 full-length novels published within a year’s time. I’ll stick with 10. 10 books, almost 750,000 words is good enough of an accomplishment. I’m not going to rush my work. This was one of my resolutions.
While Widow is hanging out with my girls, being read, edited, & critiqued, I’m writing up a rough outline for Wayward. Wayward is the 3rd novel in the Playroom series featuring the point of views of Augustus Kline, Robin Prynne, & Isis Mason. I have a general idea of what needs written and a firm vision of the book cover. I already have the Untitled 4th book in the Playroom series spinning in my mind, it will be in the pov of our Willow-Monster/Good girl, our wounded Officer Devon Mason, and our stud/f*ckface- Kieren Mason.
KING! There will be KING! Whitt will have his chance at a happily ever after. I begin writing KING sometime mid-March. I need to reiterate- KING isn’t the Final book in the M&M of Restraint series. I’ve seen countless reviews stating they are waiting for the final book in the series and countless search terms directing readers to my site asking when KING or when the final book is released. There will be many, many more books in this series. I created a large universe with many characters that need their chance to express their stories and I won’t finish until every last one of them has spoken.
KING is a transition for the series and I’m on the fence of what direction I want to go. The book is the foundation of the rest of the series and it’s pivotal that I create a solid base- a base that Restraint wasn’t.
The Playroom, however, will be less than a 10 book series. The main characters surrounding the Webster/Mason union will have a book, but the supporting cast of characters will not. It’s doubtful I will change my mind on this.
Search terms are a handy tool. It allows me to know what brings viewers to my website. I will say that there are a few of you naughty, naughty bad monsters looking for free reads. A lot of read ‘Erica Chilson PDF free’ has popped up recently. Firstly, I’ve never published my work in PDF- mobi & epub only. Secondly, if you would like a copy, please contact me. I will refer you to my giveaways or I may feel charitable and email you a copy. Please do not try to pirate my work- it’s naughty!
Another viewer was searching for more info on Katya/Cortez/Ezra. Katya may or may not receive another chance to voice her thoughts. It’s doubtful at this point. She may or may not have a POV in future books. Cortez & Ezra will each get their own books. They have a huge backstory to tell. In fact, Cortez’s book will be after KING. I’ve written a large portion of it already.
Here is how my future endeavors look:
Widow (March)
KING (May/June)
Wayward (Summer)
Cortez (Late summer/early fall)
Untitled Playroom #4 (Fall/Winter)
That is firm. It’s up in the air after that, especially since it will be nearly a year from now before I finish off that list. I’m not sure who will get to be in the next M&M book. Perhaps, Syn. Playroom #5 will be one of the characters from #4.
If you’d like more info, comment on this posting or shoot me an email: thewickedwriter@yahoo.com
Off to fill out my jury duty questionnaire, answer some correspondence, make dinner, and hopefully read something while watching Homeland.
I’ll be back to my Wicked Writing ways next week!!!
~Happy Wicked Reading~
Erica
Happily Single on Valentine’s Day
This post has absolutely nothing to do with writing, or maybe it has everything to do with writing…. These thoughts and feelings fuel my emotions- emotions that fill me with words until they overflow into novels. If you look closely, you’ll see me in every word I write. Every character has a facet of my being, and every storyline is either something I wish to happen or fear will happen or have had happen.
Family and friends look at me sideways when I tell them the genre I write in. Here is this former housewife, slightly chubby and quiet to the extreme, that writes erotica- primarily erotica that is very dark. A lot of Huh? looks are tossed my way. I don’t exactly exude sex and torture. It is the control, the boundaries, the rules, that appeal to this girl. I write strong, flawed characters because I am one.
The big day of love begins in a few short hours. Lovers everywhere scramble to show their significant other how much they care or want them. Then there are the singles who feel pressure because they are alone as they sniffle over their cartons of ice cream. I am on the opposite extreme. This realist, who doesn’t have a romantic bone in her body(maybe it bled out of me with my naivete & innocence & my faith) finds the entire premise to be total bullshit. I hear the sighs and whispered Bitter bitch coming from you all. It’s not that. I’m not bitter at all- cautious. I find it to be phony, fake, a scam that we pull on the ones we are trying to attract. Why not show your lover you love them every day or on a day of little importance?
I will not join my brethren this year. I haven’t for many years, especially when I was a coupled person. I embrace my singledom with a grin on my face. I was thinking today of how much I love my parents. I love the fact that tomorrow night I will be sitting with the two people who love me unconditionally as we do the dorky shit. There is no pretense with us. I have no image to project. We’re going to sit on our asses and watch Shameless or whatever is on the dvr. I may read a book while Mom surfs the net and Dad watches reruns of old westerns- later on I’ll be asked if I want a Popsicle. But we love each other, and I’m okay with this. I will never have to question motives or emotions- their love is infinite.
See… this girl remembers what the pressure felt like. It is a pressure I would do anything in the entire world to avoid.
Today I was reminiscing about Valentine’s Day growing up. I remember the mailboxes we would decorate (loved crafting those ugly creations). You would get cards and over-analyze if a boy liked you. It was sweet and innocent and nice. High School was fun, too. We had these construction paper lips with our names on them that we attached to our shirts. If someone of the opposite sex got you to talk they took your lips. I loved filling my chest with all of those lips. Hahaha, no, *totally shaking my head right now* I wasn’t a player. It took a lot of work earning my lips back, & I am competitive, so I kept the spoils of war. We also had roses. You could buy someone a rose and have them delivered to them throughout the day.
My first real Valentine’s Day should have been a tip-off of how my life was going to progress. Senior year I received a rose, wasn’t my first, but most important. He poofed on me- disappeared- left the school. He was my boyfriend off and on since sixth grade. We were on- on for a very long time. I found out later that he left to arrange a party at his house, one I wasn’t invited to. The rose someone else bought when he bummed the money off of them. It was a distraction so that I didn’t know he was partying without me(not the last time either). I will never forget the look of horror and pity on my English teacher’s face when he overheard this sordid tale…. Hell, if that didn’t start the downward spiral of disrespect that I rode for the next decade and a half, I don’t know what did. Btw, each Valentine’s day was progressively worse after that one.
No, not bitter- realistic. Now I face a new challenge. I don’t know if the unconditional embrace of my parents or the horrors of the past keep me from seeking the attention of the opposite sex. My parents have to love me. They shelter me, feed me, hug me, and tell me they love me. They support me in all that I do. They truly want the best for me. What man could compete with that? They have to love me because they created me and I feel the same way about them. It’s not an umbilical cord sort of issue. I wouldn’t bawl and scream if I moved out. I’d miss the hell out of them, but I’d lived apart from them for 13 years. It’s not the safety of their warm embrace, it’s the imprint of pain on my soul.
I loved someone once, with every fiber of my being. No, I don’t love them now. I harbor no ill will or need to see them, hear from them, speak to them, or even hear their name. I no longer feel the anger or pain when someone mentions their name. I’m proud to say that sometimes I don’t even register that they’re being spoken about. But the memories remain the same. No matter how deep I bury those f*ckers, something triggers them- hence the Valentine’s memory today.
The painful imprint is this. I’ve been thinking of this lately- a lot. When you form a union with someone it is permanent yet not. The first time I broke up with my husband I was blindsided, tossed from my home with the clothes on my back and a bye-bye, don’t come back! I realized the comfort would never be there for me again. The union is false. With one word from him, the life as I knew it crumbled. My home was no longer my home, my nieces and nephews no longer mine. The family I called the other half of my life was no longer mine, either. That family was in my life from the time I was twelve years old. Those kids I knew in utero. Doesn’t matter- they aren’t my blood- I was an invited guest into their family, and the moment he didn’t want me there, I was gone from their lives.
The security was breached. My outlook on life was skewed. I went back, fool that I was. It was the ultimate closure. I was in a home that wasn’t mine, no matter what the deed said. It didn’t matter that I helped pay for the home, cleaned it, refurbished it, or lived in it. It didn’t matter that the items in the home were bought by me or for me as a gift. They were his the moment I vacated, and he didn’t hesitate for a moment to tell me this.
Just try to image this feeling. You’re on your sofa right now, comfy and secure. The sofa you researched online, the sofa you helped pick out at the store, helped arrange when it was delivered, helped pay for, cleaned, and rested on. Now imagine that it’s not really yours at all. It’s theirs. Now imagine this feeling for every item inside and out of your home, and the home itself. And your partner- he/she isn’t yours either. Because a union needs both parties to be in agreement. Imagine being told this day in and day out. Now imagine how you felt when your partner told you he f*cked someone on that sofa… and he told you this as you sat on it, as he wore a sadistic grin of spiteful pleasure.
Now imagine the pleasure you felt as you showed no true reaction- no tears, no screams of outrage, no cracks in your perfectly constructed emotional facade.
This is truth and a euphemism all in one. He f*cked all over my life while I lived it.
When I left for good, it was on my terms. It was my decision. The powerlessness was gone, even in the face of losing everything that I’d called my own from the time I was 18. I promised myself that everything of mine was mine from that moment on. If it was a gift or bought by me, I was gripping onto it with the tips of my fingernails. I know that rightfully that was my home, those were my belongings, but I wanted nothing that was tainted with the imprint of the emotions and memories, or of HIM!
I will never be powerless again. I embrace my parents’ warmth for this reason. It is without demand and expectation. It is endless. They don’t give a shit what I say or do as long as I respect them and myself. I don’t think I can give myself over to another person. It’s like handling a live grenade while they keep the pin. I don’t know if I can be with someone that can physically hurt me from our size difference. At 5’1″, I know they will be bigger than me. I don’t know if I can trust someone who has the mental fortitude to destroy me or the mental capacity to harm my emotions. I’ve already lived through every abuse there is. I’m no victim, but I’m not a stupid shit, either. Na-uh!
I’m not writing this as a horror story or cautionary tale. It is reality. At any given time, your Valentine can just say bye-bye! Poof goes your home, life as you knew it, friends that you believed were yours, and the family you were a part of. Now why the hell would I put myself through that again? I was a fool once. This chick is smart- no repeat offender, here! I hear the rumbles of finding true love and all that bullshit that we surround ourselves with as a false security blanket. Hell, those fabulous parents I speak of, they have been together since they were 14-15, had two kids, and have been married for 39 years this June. I’ve had a great example to follow and I still refuse to buy into the blind faith of another human being.
I just want real! I want someone who shows me every day that I matter. Not tosses me a card out of duty and the next day calls me a bitch and roughs me up. Nothing says I love you like being demeaned to the level of a wild animal. Oh, but here is some fake sentiment!
This chick is happy that she doesn’t have a Valentine to manipulate and twist her emotions. I won’t be sitting with a carton of ice cream woe-is-me-ing into a tissue. I’ll be sitting in my chair grinning at Shameless with my folks- now that is unconditional love at its finest!
Lady Smut: Erica Chilson Q&A
Lady Smut was kind enough to offer me a Q&A. My first (heart flutters).
How about a backstory, since I’m a wordy kind of girly. & a bunch of rambling (you should expect that from me by now)
I have worked nonstop for the past nine months. I don’t mean a job where you can leave your work at the office. I’m talking of every moment of you life is centered on one thing- the story. My imagination was playing out constantly: awake, asleep, during a movie, and while reading a book. My characters just wouldn’t shut the hell up. I could be holding a conversation, but my creations were loudest.
I liken being a writer to being crazy. I have countless characters chatting it up inside my head at any given moment. Sometimes they overlap from one series to the next. The majority are respectful and fade to the shadows, so the spotlight may fall upon the ones being brought to life. There isn’t much a writer can do to shut off the insanity.
Two forms of relief: Writing, spilling the words from my fingertips until my hands cramp and my eyes sting. The ache, the sleeplessness, and the hunger for sustenance & human communication scream from your well-being. Reading, I read as relief. It is a balm to my tattered mind. I immerse myself in the imagination of another. It recharges the creative process and allows new words to flow. I’m able to quiet the voice in my mind while reading a book.
5 book releases in one month’s time- almost 500k words. The writing, editing, publishing, promoting, hops & giveaways smack dab in the middle of Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Years. I’d just pressed publish on Good Girl. I promised myself a few weeks to recharge. I spent a day watching endless amounts of television. I couldn’t concentrate. 3 characters were spinning threads of stories and weaving them into plot outlines. It was insanity. I grabbed my cell and headed for a bubble bath. Hot sudsy water and a Kindle app here I come…. I was immersed, chaotic voices long forgotten- BAM! You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me!! Seriously? Book 10? 15? in the DNF pile.
By the time I’d dried off and growled my way back to my laptop, a blog post had formed inside my head. I was pissed. The posting was an outlet, a release of all the shit I was filled with. It wasn’t even the book’s fault, but I used it as my target. Saccharine Romances: why I find them annoyingly frustrating was created for comedic relief. I was quoting parts to my mom as I wrote it. She may have rolled her eyes at me and she looked vaguely confused.
I’d unleashed the bitch I keep firmly in check. She has the propensity to be sarcastic- people either love her or hate her, & no one understands her. Her name is Erica-Monster (Good Girl readers will understand) She slipped her leash.
When I was finished, I felt better… a lot better. I knew that I would piss off just as many as I entertained. It wasn’t about the readers, it was about me. A lot of people read it- a surprising number, in fact. Which meant I’d entertained and rubbed a wide variety of people the wrong way. I’ve heard from both. Ugh… that was a stressful day. I received some pats on the back, a few nasty comments, and I’d hurt a person’s feelings (I apologized & I still feel badly about that. The monster didn’t mean to, she is a nice person, just misunderstood like an alpha male). I was a mess- stressed the F*ck out with a capital F!
Highlight of the stress: ladysmut.com offered me a Q&A. Awesome sauce. I was a bit stressed out on that, too. I mean, I couldn’t very well let her slip her leash again. She might offend a large section of the populous. I let her out a tiny bit…
Madeline Iva did a beautiful job creating a flowing conversation with the Q&A. I’d love to personally thank her for the posting. If you’d like to read it, head over to ladysmut.com
Did I get that two week recharge? Nope. Nope, I sure didn’t. In the 8 days since Good Girl’s release, Widow is well on its way to being a book. 48,000 words written (14 chapters) from the dual perspectives of Clover and Malcolm. With my lovely sister’s help, it even has a final cover. & to prove that I am not a cold-hearted Erica-Monster, Widow is a HEA book for the main protagonists. It was planned all along since my characters are nearing mid-life and they’ve lived their trials though their backstory. Hopefully readers will see the softer side of me.
Widow’s first draft is nowhere near completion. I predict a March release. My target length is 120-150k since this is the only book those character will voice.
On a happy note: I’m rereading the BDB- the WARDen (Bathtub time) for a read-along with my buds at Wicked Reads on Goodreads. I’m skimming like a little bitch since it’s my 7th or 8th time thru, but I’m enjoying the comfort of repetition. I’m also watching season 6 of Dexter. That show makes me tuck the laptop away and I get sucked into the television. How that man goes from geek to badass in a heartbeat is beyond me. Amazing actor- amazing. I’m also arranging a huge giveaway on FB for Valentines Day. Vampire Valentines that Bite! Wicked Reads (Amber & I) is pooling all the vampire related swag and a few items I’m picking up for the lovey dovey day and posting a pic. Just click like on the pic and post a comment to be entered. I should have the picture up on February 7th (Waiting on a shipment from FL-PA of the swag) Be on the lookout!
Off to write Widow… & rub the crap outta my aching hands!
~Happy Wicked Reading~
-Erica
A flash of insight
The past six days since Good Girl’s release, I’ve been a very busy girl. I dreamed of a break, but if the muse is firing stories into your imagination, ya better grab it and run. She’s rather demanding at the moment, but we’re getting along just fine. One of these days I’ll name her, but for now I’ll just call her muse. She thinks she’s too important to have a simple name. I think she might be satisfied if I have Kieren Mason name her. He is, after all, my nicknamer.
Widow is well on its way to becoming a book. Five days into writing I have a rough outline created, almost 30,000 words of story written, and a book cover. I’ll release the cover and synopsis when the first draft is completed.
Not a Synopsis and spoiler-free: What is Widow?
As I’ve posted before, Widow is Clover Webster (the Widow) & Malcolm Mason (the Widower). The book is broken into chapters titled with either the Widow or the Widower. I don’t like to compare stories, but the easiest way to describe Widow is to simply say it’s my own rendition of Cheaper by the dozen. Two families combining into one. This is the most romancy book I’ve ever written. This will be my first HEA book as well. The story revolves around our Widow/Widower and their relationship, but it’s the side-characters they show through their voice that sets up the rest of the series. I’ve said before that I make my characters earn their HEA. In this case, the backstory of the main protagonists was their journey to their HEA.
I think it’s time to explain why I began the Playroom series. M&M of Restraint is DARK. Sometimes it’s a bit too dark for me to handle. After writing 7 books back-to-back within this series, I had to step back and find some light. The powerful premise weighs heavily on my soul at times. Fans of M&M may be disappointed in the Playroom if they are looking for twists, turns, secrets, and conspiracies. While the Playroom does have a few hard truths, they are truths we deal with on a day-to-day basis.
I read reviews when a book is first released and especially while I’m writing the continuation. In M&M of Restraint’s case, fans wanted to know more about Ezra, so I gave him a spotlight in Checkmate. Sometimes you have so many characters that it’s hard to give everyone face-time. I don’t forget them, they just blend into the scenery. When looked at constructively, reviews are a great tool, and I am thankful for each and every one of them.
A Good Girl review that I’m not defending myself against brought light to another topic that needs addressed. Opinion is opinion, & I’m okay with that. But it was a great opportunity to explain what the Playroom series was about. Readers are used to my twisted imaginings & that isn’t why I wrote the Playroom. I didn’t write it as BDSM Fiction, either. The Playroom is simply the nexus that connects the characters or frees the character from self-imposed binds. It’s called the Playroom series for a reason. It’s about play.
I would like to thank Bec for this review: Not sure about this one, I enjoyed Willow’s journey and growth, though the ‘surprise’ was entirely too predictable.
After I read this review I realized that I should explain myself. Not to Bec, but readers in general who are expecting more Darkness. I like to write different stories for different readers because I read everything. While I can’t write a saccharine romance novel, because I don’t have the sweet tooth for it, I like something light with a punch to the gut. While M&M of Restraint is a ball-peen hammer to the skull, the Playroom is a slap to the ass. The story revolves around the characters, their interactions and connections, a strong sense of family, and finding your true-self. There is a surprise in Good Girl, but it’s not meant to be a surprise for the readers, rather, a surprise for Willow. She is a kid that’s trying too hard to be an adult. She believes in her family and friends. Remember yourself at 18, a punch to the face is the only clue you’d ever see coming, but not until you’re dealing with the pain.
Willow is a version of my idiot 18 yr old self. I thought I knew everything and would take no advice. Now I’m a 34 yr old idiot, who knows how to take advice and wants to shake the shit out of that 18 yr old girl. Since I can’t do that, I’ll do it to Willow.
I love a good frustrating read, but I can only take so much. I’ve tried to find a happy medium with the Playroom. It has everyday issues that impact most of us that are dampened down with humor. It’s light and romancy, but not so sweet that you get a tummy ache and a cavity. I can’t read books like that, but a lot of readers love them. I thought that the Playroom series is a good middle ground of the dark and twisted nature of Dark Erotica, the sweetness of Erotic Romance, and the coming of age situations of New Adult.
Sometimes when I’m too stressed I love the predictable nature of a reread. I wanted that warm feeling in the Playroom series from the first read-thru. I believe this is what makes the romance reader tick. The comfort, warm feelings, and true-to-life situations. I’ve loved books before but had to put them down when they became too frustrating. I’m sure M&M does this to many a reader.
While hard and edgy readers may find the premise too predictable, I hope that romance readers will find it sweet with a slap to the behind. I am one of those edgy readers. I love a great surprise and that heart palpitating feeling of a thrilling AH-HA moment. But this girl needs some light as she writes. A reader can never understand the stress of living the story out inside your own mind- I’ve lived out every word of Mistress & Master of Restraint series and all the threads that have yet to be revealed. I need to live in a world where there is some warm and fuzzy for a time before I get back to the twisted, dark world that I have to create for KING.
Saccharine Romances: Why I find them annoyingly frustrating
I began my career as a writer because I was dissatisfied with many of the books I was reading. My current reading list screams of this. I currently have at least 10 novels started, most well over 50% read.
(I will not say titles or authors)My current book is the epitome of my issues. I’m a woman who loves an alpha male, as most of my female followers do. The first 25% or so of these saccharine romance novels is the best of the book. The male is strong, gruff, often misunderstood.Yummy, angsty goodness ensues!
(I find this annoying, too)The female is usually a career woman in her early twenties, who is a spunky little spitfire. Hot as F*ck, too! Yet, she is always a mary sue virgin. Yup, they manage to make it through high school, college, and work, without anyone tapping that hot, tight ass… and here comes the alpha male to win her innocence away- this happens without fail, ever freakin’ time. Um… how can you be a mary sue and a spitfire? It’s like saying you’re a geeky badass or a short, tall person. These females are always so cookie cutter, meek, and annoying as hell. and it turns me off. Yeah… us ladies read for the guys.
Back to our alpha male. He is so fine that he woos that lacy thong (on a virgin, no less. *rolls eyes*) right off her perfect ass within hours of meeting her. He is so hot he could melt paint or burn Satan. He’s also a total badass.*Fans self*
Cut to a hot smutty sex scene where our virgin is always shaved bare and an expert (no fumbling embarrassment whatsoever). They connect on a deeper level just hours after meeting. The I love yous flow like water. *Gags*
Next morning my alpha male is a pussy-whipped, spineless doormat. EVERY FREAKIN’ TIME! I get turned the hell off. I’m done- goodbye! “Honey, let me do that for you. We don’t want you to break a nail. Let me carry that for you. Don’t worry your pretty, empty head for a moment…” You get the point… *caresses her cheek and tucks her hair behind her delicate ear*
Does the sun rise in the East? F*ck, yeah, it does. Does our Alpha turn into a doormat? F*ck, yeah, he sure does. I’m like, “What the F*ck, Batman. Where did my alpha go?” *Looks around and only finds vaginas.* “SHIT! I’m not a lesbian. I want a man with a massive set of testicles, because this bitch is the only bitch in this relationship!”
Now I read edgy shit to avoid this kind of trainwreck read. I realize woman love this shit- NOT ME- EVER! Even in small doses. Yeah, out of 10 books I’ve written, I’ve had two virgins. Both were barely legal- like 24-hours legal. One driven by school work and one completely awkward. & never did I make them an irresistible beauty. & their first experiences where filled with an awkward lack of knowledge that said alpha male had to show them the ropes… & no I love yous were spoken. No the sky parted and angel’s descended singing songs of forever. Cut months later in my books… my chicks are still trying to find their way. Why, you ask… Because that is reality.
Yes, romance is supposed to be fantasy, but the Alpha males in these books are throwing off more estrogen than a ff novel. The alpha male’s testosterone dries up once he has a taste of that irresistible, personality-changing cunny.
Edgy reads, dark erotica, slit your wrist reads New Adult, Urban Fanstasy & Paranormal romance is what I read. I try, I really try to get through these books. I even went with menage and mmf or mm. I’m a girl who loves men and women. STRONG personalities! MM just trips my trigger. What’s better than one alpha male? TWO alpha males butting heads over each other. *Fans self for realz* but f*ck if those books didn’t morph into pussy-whipped doormats, too. The mm books just confused the hell out of me. We have two alpha men, and yet, once the deed is done, both are pussy-whipped. Where the hell did the vaginas come from? You’re a dude who gets hot over other dudes, why do you want a dude with a vagina now? Did you suddenly wake up straight?
Oh, I know why… Because it’s some fantasy-living woman writing hardcore stories and she’s never experienced one hardcore moment in her life. You can feel when a female writer just gets the way two men interact or how a man behaves. Ya know why… because they write what flips that switch in their mind, they don’t write what they think a reader wants to read. The chemistry bleeds from the story- and it makes an epic, scorching, hot as f*ck read!
My alpha can go ahead and try to take me in hand, yank my hair and slap my ass… But beware, this bitch has teeth. I’ll fight back because I want a man who earns the right to be alpha. You EARN the right to be my partner, to stand by my side. If I woke up to a pussy in my bed the morning after, there would never be a rematch. I’m not some wilting flower. I’ll ask your ass for help if I need it, and you better do the same in return. We’re equals.
*shrugs* Maybe I’m an original. Maybe everyone else with ovaries find this shit hot. It just annoys the f*ck out of me!
Here’s to the writer who makes an alpha male, perfectly flawed, who behaves as an alpha male from the beginning, middle, and end of the story! *cough cough* make that mary sue a mary sue. If you want a spunk bitch, create a spunky bitch. They are the most entertaining to write, after all.
No one is just a good girl or a bad girl. We are just varying shades of human!
Good Girl released & Widow update
Good Girl is live on Amazon & will be available shortly on B&N.
My current work in progress is Widow. Without spoiling the experience of Good Girl, Widow is book 2 in the Playroom series.
When I was near the finish line of GG, my muse took an annoying vacation. She was nowhere to be found. Thank goodness for plot outlines or I’d have been stalled in my progress. I was worried that she’d fled me for good. I didn’t know the direction to take next. I planned on taking a few weeks off and reading my ass off, and then reading some more.
The muse had a decision to make: Chrysalis, Widow, or KING. I have KING momentarily on the back burner. I’ve written 7 M&M books back-to-back & my imagination needed a reboot. With the Playroom’s cast of characters fresh in my head, I knew Widow would be the next step.
Last night after I pressed publish on GG, I laid down to some much needed sleep, & that absent muse slammed an idea into my brain. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t read to fall asleep. She wanted to to perfect her idea and she was unrelenting.
Widow will be from two perspectives: The Widow & The Widower. I can tell you the name of the Widow, Clover Webster, I, however, will refrain from naming the Widower. I don’t want to ruin the reading experience. The Widower is obvious by mid-GG.
I’ve never written a book from 2 perspectives. It will be an entirely new experience for me. I fear for my sanity as I live inside Clover’s mind, then the Widower’s. I’ve always had a difficult time reading multi pov books. Sometimes it would take a chapter or two to figure out WHO’s voice I was reading. Some authors are better at the change-up than others. To avoid this issue, each chapter in Widow will be marked with Widow or Widower. It will not necessarily be every other chapter in their voice, but it will be clearly marked to avoid confusion.
I am writing Chapter one in the exact same location that GG ended. GG’s final chapter is Widow’s first chapter. The second chapter will be from the perspective of the Widower, and he will show us a character that many will be disappointed in (Him or me for creating him the way I did).
A word for when you finish GG: Good Girl was a progression- a journey of Willow finding her true voice. It was a snapshot of real life. It’s messy, complicated, and not a damned one of us knows what the hell we’re doing at any given time. Life is about making educated guesses and hoping to God that it was the correct choice. I would never make an eighteen-year-old pick the love of her life. Why, you ask… because at eighteen you don’t know who you are, let alone who someone else is. The Premise of the Playroom series is self-exploration, enlightenment, and finding your way in the dark. Hopefully when you enter the light you’ll still like yourself after all the mistakes you’ve made along the way.
HEA vs HFN
Sometimes I read reviews for my work. Most of the time I avoid it like the plague. No matter how harsh or glowing, it can be very insightful.
One such review, and I’ve heard this comment before, is that my books aren’t Happily Ever After (HEA) or even Happy for Now (HFN). In a way this isn’t true. As a girl who grew up thinking her life depended on a boy, and as an adult, a woman who’s happiness depended on a grown-boy, I learned quickly and harshly that HEA and HFN does not exist in reality.
My books are closer to reality than you’d believe. Genre aside, I write psychologically- emotions, and the actions that are driven by said emotions.
Ultimately it is about HEA- the character’s HEA, not as a couple, but within yourself. People in our lives leave us, betray us, or die on us, and we are left in the ashes of our wrecked lives- alone. Yes, I sound pessimistic. I’m not. You have to love yourself, learn to rely on yourself, and never give yourself away to another human being. That is what my books are about. It’s a journey of character growth, and I don’t mean character development in the sense of fictional creations. I mean personality, your constitution, your soul.
I write for empowerment, whether female or male. The right to own your needs and wants, and explore them fully, to experience enlightenment. I want everyone to be comfortable in their own skin, to love themselves, and see themselves as good enough just as they are.
So my characters may not have a prince charming, because he doesn’t exist, but they do have a champion- themselves. There isn’t a greater gift in life to give, then to know who you are, what you want, and strive to get it. You will be able to love fully, and appreciate all the qualities in your friends and family that they do not like in themselves.
The saying goes: you have to learn to walk before you run. Well, you have to love yourself and be happy within yourself, before you can love someone else and be happy with them.
Since I’m on my way there, I won’t make a fatal mistake. I refuse to accept anyone as my partner that hasn’t reached this level within themselves, because they can’t love you back. There is no such thing as healing someone- it beings inside YOU!
Keep this in mind as you read my works. You will see the story from a fresh pair of eyes. I make them go through trial after trial, and notice that it isn’t about a coupling, it’s about personal growth. My stories will make sense if read from this perspective.
Back to Good Girl. She has grown a lot. I used Willow to show how fulfilling it is to be happy just being who you are…
Erica Chilson: The Wicked Writer 