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There are times when you have to step back and look at yourself: your self-image, your mental abilities, your confidence.
Self-evaluation.
In the world of selfies, where people post images with captions, “I look like hell,” but post them anyway, it makes you take a closer look at self-evaluation. If you really thought you looked like crap, you wouldn’t post them. Obviously the poster likes the way they look, and then I wonder if they have a higher opinion of themselves than they should.
Wow, Erica! What a horrible thing to say!!!
Bear with me, here. I’ll get to my point shortly.
Anyone who has paid attention to my postings in the past month or so, knows I’m rewriting my Mistress & Master of Restraint Series- FROM SCRATCH. What a humbling, crippling experience. So I will explain my self-evaluation and a false sense of confidence comment.
Erica has taken a step back and did some major self-evaluation these past few months. In the now, you feel great about yourself: I look good. I feel good. I’m smart. This book is fabulous. Right? Isn’t that how you feel when you look into the mirror of yourself?
A few years ago, I was a bigger girl, and I felt confident about myself. I thought I looked good. (Now, don’t go tar and feathering me, as if I’m saying my size was a reflection of me as a human being. That is NOT where I’m headed with this blog post. I’m long-winded, I’ll get to the point eventually.) Anyway, I was a size 18/20 and quickly gaining ground on the next size up. At the time, I was working on changing my life, all aspects. So I lost weight, dropping down to a 10/12. Yay for me, right? Not really. Because there is fallout from that as well. You start to feel shitty about who you used to be because you still feel like shit now. When I look at pictures of myself- new pictures- I think I look bad. So then I start to question my own sanity. I thought I looked good in images from several years ago, several sizes larger, yet now I feel like crap when I look at myself. Was I thinking clearly back then, then?
My entire life I’ve thought myself as intelligent: quick to learn knowledge that I easily retained. Smarty pants. Know-it-all. With the mistakes I’ve made in the past, where I objectively look at my actions and reactions to the stimulation around me, at the time I felt I was making the proper decisions. Now I think I was a flippin’ idiot.
A stupid, stupid girl.
Stupid girl.
Stupid.
With the M&M rewrite has came a LOT of fallout, especially to my confidence in all things. In order to grow in my craft and as a person, I had to admit defeat. I had to recognize my faults. I had to take the bitter consequences of my actions. I had to look at myself in the mirror and say, “You suck. You f*cking suck, Erica!” Then, and only then, could I move on.
This new humbled, self-effacing person is now indecisive- demoralized. With my confidence destroyed, laying amongst the deleted words of my manuscripts, my world view has shifted.
The Erica from the past thought herself smart, average looking, and confident in her abilities to do her job. The Erica from the present disputes those claims as she cleans up the messes from the past Erica. The Erica from the future is shaking her head, clearly disappointed, and she’s shouting, “Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t make me redo your work because you’re an idiot. Don’t make me stand in front of the mirror and say, ‘I suck. I f*ckin’ suck!’ Don’t make me clean up your messes because you had a bloated self-image!”
Yes, future Erica is a bit pessimistic and bitter, while past Erica was naive, and present Erica is just… resolved.
Where does this leave me, present Erica?
Rolling along, doubting myself, because the past predicts the future. The Restraint I’m writing today (from scratch) will be a Restraint I’m proud of today. But I fear that future Erica will be embarrassed by it, and will want to go back in time and kick my behind. Just as present Erica longs to do to past Erica.
As I go back to Restraint, where I’ve deleted 3 out of every 4 words and replaced them with new, I know I can only do what I am capable of as of today. Tomorrow I may be better. But when it’s all said and done, Restraint will be a reflection of who I am today, and future Erica will have a different reflection of herself within a new book. But for the past Erica’s honor and reputation, present Erica and future Erica have joined forces, refusing to allow their naive, younger self to be demoralized and humiliated.
I’m sure I will doubt myself next week, next year, a lifetime from now. But that shows the ability to recognize my faults and grow. If I truly had a bloated self-image, I’d destroy myself with my narrow view. The only thing I have in common with future Erica, at this time, is the fact that my world view is 360 degrees.
Yes, I promised Warped before I took a hiatus from Blended and concentrated on M&M.
Yes, I am reneging.
Why?
#1: I’ve published nearly 1,800 pages of Blended in 2014. I think I’ve earned a pass.
#2: I tend to emulate my characters. Writing a Bipolar drug addicted police officer is not a small feat while maintaining your own level of sanity. As of late, I’ve been suffering with the manic portion of my character’s condition. I cannot concentrate on anything for longer than a few moments. To write, one must be able to sit for large amounts of time and be completely within their minds. I can only read the beginning of a book, and then I lose interest at this point. It’s like my mind has been invaded by a swarm of thoughts that just will NOT settle down into something conhesive.
#3: I’ve already written over 100,000 words of Warped. (Restraint is 97,000 in its current state). Warped will be nearly 1,000 pages in length if I write it while inspired, with patience, and without rushing. I want to enjoy what I write, but if I don’t, the readers will feel the emotions infusing the page.
#4: I promised myself I’d NEVER rush-write again, and that is a promise to myself I will never break. I wouldn’t be in this situation if I hadn’t wrote how I did earlier in my career. But I can call upon my ignorance. I. Am. NOT. Ignorant any longer. I have been wizened beyond my years through trial and error and shit writing.
#5: I’ve written well-over a million words since I began Restraint. I’m positive I’ve evolved in my craft, and M&M deserves better. The series deserves the level of writing I am currently at, not what is currently published, silently embarrassing me.
#6: we are coming up to the one-year anniversary to the release of Integrated, the last M&M book I published. If I were to take my time, making Warped as incredible as I believe it will be (hard-hitting, raw- gripping, and emotional), it would be nearing 2 years for the next M&M book. Some authors don’t write a 1000 pages in several years, and to expect me to crank it out in a few months without harsh consequences is madness.
#7: Erica needs a break. I’m drained. Tapped out. The muse is not amused, or inspired, or awake. I slept for hours last night, finally, realizing it’s been ages since I slept longer than 4 hours at a time. It isn’t healthy. It’s a delicate balance: creating books to sell to the masses, versus taking care of yourself. I write book that my fans are hungry to read, but I don’t have a lot of devoted fans in my niche writing. So it takes a LOT of releases to earn squat. But at what cost? My sanity? My health?
#7.5: see refusal to speed-write to crank out books to earn more money. I’d rather write a great book, the first time, and be proud of what I’ve given to the public, than to pad my bank account. I deserve more. The reader deserves more. But most importantly, the STORY deserves more.
#8: Sometimes I just can’t write anew. Sometimes I find immense joy in fixing what I’ve previously written, finding pride in making it better- more. Obviously this is obvious, since I can never leave well-enough alone. Which is why I’m going into Print books. Once in print, it’s permanent, a stopping point for my never-ending obsession with perfection.
#9: I don’t cater to the masses. My books are not for the mainstream. A notion I’m completely ditching during my M&M rewrite. Maybe if I wasn’t trying to straddle the line of normalcy versus how twisted my mind truly is, the readers would feel it, connect with the story, and want to share it with the world. So instead of trying to crank out books to sell more books to a handful of devotees, I’m going to try to write the best books to my ability, to my standards, and perhaps gain some more fans in the process. I think the payoff for all those involved will be greater.
#10: Restraint is getting refurbished: A new cover. A new blurb. A new price point. Both in print and in ebook form. It’s getting completely rewritten, restructured. Because if I demand more of myself as a writer, to write my flagship book to be one of the best books I’ve written, then I should not discount it. As with self-respect, you get what you project. If I give my own version of a masterpiece away for free, in hopes someone will one-click it, and may or may not ever even open it to read its contents, then I’m belittling my own work. If I want readers to know it’s worthy, then I’ll make sure they know its worth. I’m not saying I will never sale price the title, I’m promising it will never be FREE.
#11: I can give a way a lot of books for free or next to nothing, and they may or may not ever be read. But this avid reader/one-clicker/bookwhore, hardly ever reads the free books she collects, but one thing that is for damned sure: if I BUY it, I READ it. If I READ it, I REVIEW it.
#12: I’m pulling myself out of the rabbit hole. If I sell 10 books at the higher price point, it’s still worth more than giving away thousands of books no one will ever read. I will keep the Kindle Lending, Prime, and Unlimited. I will sale price my books for promotions. Books, just because they are offered in ebook form, does not make them any less valuable than one sitting upon the shelves. It still took the same amount of time to write, edit, buy the cover, pay the cover artist, pay Uncle Sam his cut, maintain an at-home office. If the writer is good, then the book will be better. The good writer with the better book shouldn’t have to lower their prices to compete with books of a lower caliber.
I’m not speaking of price gouging; I’m speaking of worth. To say Good Girl is only worth 99 cents is madness. To say when it’s in its print form it will be worth ten bucks just because of the paper it’s printed on is lunacy. It’s 700 pages of my blood, sweat, and tears, of ME on the pages, and to give it away for free, or to only get 30 cents BEFORE taxes per copy…
Yes, anyone can type up a book and slap a price on it, but it takes money to be a writer and survive. It takes even more money to be a damned good writer and show it in your work. We’re all worth more. I’ve just finally figured that out.
#13: My plan, which is subject to change: All of M&M of Restraint, rewritten and republished in both print and ebook, with every book published thereafter as a permanent book. Only one try this time for the Wicked Writer. No more do-overs. I can’t survive it. I either respect and feel proud of the work I’m publishing, or it won’t be published. The first time. No rush-writing. No getting books out to have a new release and keep my links on ppl’s Twitter, Fb, and Goodreads feeds.
#14: Hero will be my next new release.
#15: My apologies, Blended Fans, but I released 4 Blended books, back-to-back, in less than nine months (1,800 pages). It’s The Mistress & Master of Restraint’s turn. But I will never go longer than 2 books per series without going back to the other. No more years of one series without giving a voice to the other.
#16: Blended is finite for a reason. It’s heavily outlined. I even know the final sentence of “THE END”. M&M could be infinite, as along as I have a palate cleanser, affording me the opportunity to give my muse room to grow and play.
17: When I catch up, or when the muse demands some space, you’ll be hearing from my pseudonym. The mystery and the suspense will be that I will NOT tell you who it is. I’ll wait, announce it, and let you all scour goodreads & Amazon until you figure it out. I call myself the Wicked Writer for a reason, and I will derive perverse pleasure as I watch you reason out who my other half is…
Buy Links:
Good Girl (FREE 9/19-9/23 ONLY)
US: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00B3V6Q2G
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00B3V6Q2G
AU: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B00B3V6Q2G
CA: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00B3V6Q2G
Wildly Wedded Wife: (FREE 9/19-9/23 ONLY)
US: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LBITZPQ
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B007X6GZDK
AU: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B00LBITZPQ
CA: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00LBITZPQ
Widow: ($2.99 9/19-9/23 ONLY. $4.99 after)
US: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KVNGPIM
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00KVNGPIM
AU: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B00KVNGPIM
CA: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00KVNGPIM
Wanton: (New Release Price $2.99)
Amazon US – http://amzn.to/1qmKHRp
Amazon UK – http://amzn.to/1qNn6qN
Amazon AU – www.amazon.com.au/dp/B00NHB60SK
Amazon CA – www.amazon.ca/dp/B00NHB60SK
Orbiting one another’s lives, yet never intersecting, a clandestine meeting finally pushes Opal Fischer within Ginny Jamison’s path.
In the past, in the present, and in the future, both women make a major impact on the lives of the Blended Family. They worry more about their loved ones than themselves, pushing their needs and wants to the back-burner. They themselves are the only ones in their own path to true happiness, by holding onto the debilitating wounds of the past and refusing to let go of their visions of the future.
Opal’s lifelong adage: the sin isn’t in the wanting; it’s in the taking. Will Ginny be able to make Opal realize the sin is actually in the regret of never taking what you want, what you so rightfully deserve?
Wanton (Blended #2.5) is a full-length Contemporary Romance novel featuring the slowly budding relationship between two females. Warning: a glimpse into future Blended Series books, with sensually erotic scenes featuring f/f & f/f/m. Wanton is approximately 67,000 words in length.
Wanton was set to release the last week of July. Erica, where the hell is it?
I had to take a step back from my insane writing schedule. Which is laughable, since I started writing Warped instead. My New Year’s resolution was to slow down, not to rush-write to get books out to the readers, which always ends up in regret (mine) and rewrites with revamped released editions. Not going there again, Deviants. With that saying, I’ve released 1,500 pages to-date this year, with another 200+ in Wanton coming up, and Lord knows how many in Warped. So I’m guaranteed 2,000+ pages released in 2014- a new record for me, and totally contradicting my resolution.
Where is Wanton? Shelved for a few weeks for its betterment. Wanton evolved into a full-length book. On the short side of full-length, but longer than Restraint was when I first released it. Meaning, it’s not classified as a novella. It’s also not truly a half-book in the series any longer, either. Unlike Wildly Wedded Wife, Wanton will be necessary in the lineup in the Blended Series. I have 3 chapters to write, edits, and beta edits before it’s ready for publishing. Sometime in September. I want Wanton to be the best it can be, and if I’d rushed, it wouldn’t have been.
Warped: Flowing like water… in five days, I wrote over 40,000 words on Warped. As with the title, and the cover, Warped will be dark. Definitely the darkest book in the Blended Series. 50% Devon Mason. 25% Essie Prynne. 20% Kieren Mason, & 5% Willow Prynne. We’ve already had 700 pages from Willow’s POV. We’ve been deep inside her mind, I wanted readers to be one with the other characters now, but spotlight important scenes for Willow while inside her head. Outlook on Warped: I have no idea how long it will be. It’s writing itself. I’ve heavily outlined, but all 40,000+ words I’ve written thus far, were NOT outlined. I’m sure it will live up to the development and the length of its predecessors. Release date: Late September/October. It depends on how much of itself it wants to write. LMAO (my muse is trying to kill me, I swear)
BETA DRIVE: The beta drive is still in effect. Late August/Early September. I will sort through the submissions, email the beta test, and choose a roster of betas. It should be in time for Wanton & Warped’s beta reads. Here is the submission form for those interested in becoming a Wicked Writer’s Beta. Thank you for the interest, and the help!
**I just spent the last three days in the car, riding from Pennsylvania to New Mexico, desperately searching for a book to hold my interest. That is the emotion behind this blog posting- pure frustration mixed with bitter disappointment*
A plea to my fellow wordsmiths from the reader in all of us.
I spend a great deal of time in analytical-mode, observing others for their actions and reactions. I do this to perfect my character development. Lately, I’ve had a difficult time reading anyone’s books but my own because of ‘character lobotomies.’
I’m not just speaking of Indie or traditionally published authors. I’m speaking of BOTH!
Like actual human beings: age, gender, personality traits, emotional baggage, and careers should drive your character’s actions. The hardest thing for me to swallow when reading: characters acting out of character. The dumbass or helpless female disease. Many a doctor, lawyer, or other professional women, with 8+ years of higher education and an analytical mind with a ‘take no prisoners’ attitude, turn into dipshit, teenaged girls in these books.
“I know this is a bad idea, but I’m gonna do it anyway. So there!” *sticks tongue out like a petulant five-year-old child when in actuality is a 35-year-old professional* “Aren’t I cute and funny? Hehe!” *Looks like the first to die in a horror flick.* “Oh, shit, I shouldn’t have done that. Gonna get hurt now unless some manly man rushes in to save me.”
Erica rolls her eyes, threatens to smash her Kindle, and puts the author on the long list of DNF & ‘never-going-to-read-a-word-you-write-again.’
Authors: you have your characters thinking one thing in their internal monologue and reacting in an opposite fashion. This seems to be the norm today, along with insta-love.
Why this diatribe today? Well, I was reading a book I thoroughly enjoyed, and then it was lobotomized. Personally, the short backstory was the key to my interest. I would have rather read that instead. It was hard-hitting, engrossing, and worthy. Instead of expanding on the story to create a solid foundation, the author went ahead and made it about insta-love. I say it’s a cop-out. Write the story out, and quit selling me phony romance without a backbone or foundation.
There is something to be said about intensity, chemistry, and tension.
Build some.
In so many books today, the protagonists meet, and then it’s instant attraction and… *shudders* L-O-V-E? Really? Seriously? Love? What happened to lust?
It takes time to build a foundation of love, one that is only made over time, over interaction, over emotional attachment. This is never built over sex- never, ever. If you believe this phony bullshit, you’re probably addicted to the high of ‘new love’, or as it’s better known, infatuation.
9 times out of 10, this occurs. I realize in order to properly show the time it takes to develop a real relationship, the readers would be bored out of their skulls. But to ‘tell’ me versus ‘show’ me WHY they fit as a couple, is taking the easy way out, and a detriment to your story. Lastly, not everything has to be about sappy romance or hot sex.
No, it doesn’t.
Because if all you have is sappy romance and hot sex without any real story behind it, then it’s forgettable and a dime-a-dozen, and personally, the sex is just flat.
I expect certain things out of a book. In YA or NA, I expect the girls to do something stupid, since they are, in essence, children. They are without the experience of life, the growth to make sound decisions. But in those novels, the females act older, wiser. They save the world in Fantasy and Dystopian novels, or live on their own while their wayward parents are off living their life somewhere else, acting criminally for leaving their underaged children alone for long periods of time.
I found the missing and idiotic parents to our YA heroines and heroes in Contemporary romance/erotica novels. In today’s contemporary romance and erotica genres, you have 25+ year old females acting the way those in the YA & NA should have been behaving. How do you explain this shift? Why do our younger readers get strong role models and our adult readers get “Too Stupid to Live” females who give all women a bad name?
One book that will forever stick in my mind, a female doctor, highly intelligent, acting like a twelve-year-old in heat, pranking hospital faculty. They took an oath to save lives, and the author is making light of this highly intelligent character with slap-stick, over-the-top bullshit for the sake of comedy. For me, it’s not funny if you’re trying too hard. It’s just freakin’ annoying.
Next up, the hotter than blazes Mary Jane. MJ’s internal monologue is something like this, “Woe-is-me.” “I’m 35 and no one wants me.” “I’m shy and quiet, and my last boyfriend was mean to me.” “I don’t trust men.” The author usually writes one, more often two or three, hot guys sniffing at MJ’s tail. & in their POV, they find MJ the most gorgeous creature, engrossing in conversation, and completely sounding like MJ in their minds. Add, “I’m fat.” “I’m ugly.” “I’m boring.” Yet these women are goddesses in the hotties’ eyes.
I get the realism of using everyday women, and the fantasy of being wanted by 5 hot rockers or billionaires, or what have you, but it’s an insult to my intelligence… and freakin’ annoying to boot.
Next up, these Gods among men, who are starve-gutted for plain Mary Jane, mysteriously sound, act, and react like a woman… or a douchebag. Never an in between. Then douchebag gets pussy-whipped by MJ, and then his internal monologue becomes just as hers. Without fail.
If I’m reading a male’s POV, I expect him to act, react, and sound like a dude from page one to ‘the end’. A guy in love is still a guy, not a girl who is wielding a penis aimed at our damsel-in-distress. If the girl can’t save herself, her male clone shouldn’t be able to save her, either. Right?
Candy at the Van Predators versus Streetwise, Badassed Bitches.
As I said, these intelligent, streetwise, or take-no-prisoners women always have a baggage-filled backstory (which I love, and I always wish the authors would write that instead of the fluff-filled romance piece they publish). Today’s woman slept in a shelter with a knife in her hand to save her pitiful belongings. She’s on the run from an abusive ex. Meets a guy by happenchance (always is the case, right? Gotta love fate!), and trusts this new stranger infallibly. Character trait lobotomy, anyone? This is without fail, always, and was so difficult to swallow that I was furious.
So then the dude starts in on possessive shit, and she shrugs it off, ‘cuz you know, it’s NOT like she doesn’t recognize the signs after being abused. He’s hot. *shrugs* He wants her mousy ass. *shrugs* I’m sure he’s a good guy, even if he’s telling her what to do after a handful of words, and now looking, touching, and breathing on her in a way that makes her girly parts tingly. *tingling so intensely I wonder if she has feminine itch*
It’s been 12 hours, in which she lost a job, gained a job, cried, gained an apartment and money, did all the necessary body functions, spoke less than 100 words to this dude (none of them of any real substance) but has looked at, and been looked at by, this insanely HOT dude, so all her reasoning skills and intelligence just flee her mind to pool at her itching stranger-danger zones. She’s been super busy, dang it! I’m exhausted for her just by writing the sequence of events out. (I know I can’t get THAT much done in 12 hours- oh, she slept too!) (She puts the Super in “HERO”ine) She’s spent maybe an hour in this dude’s presence, but now she thinks she loves him, and his POV is thinking the same about her, too…
Awww… how sweet, and toe-curling, and sexy… I hope they make cute babies on their first time, because that’s the rational thing to do.
Are you freakin’ kidding me? Seriously?
(I’m not making fun of just this book, since the 7 I tried to read in the past 24-hours have followed this same formula)
I’m not a feminist, but this pisses me off. & more often than not, all women are depicted as dumbassed bitches while spouting how intelligent, streetwise, and gun-shy they are. Trust? What’s that? It’s called following strangers around, and then letting them touch the places your parents warned you about without having something called a conversation first. *growls in fury*
But it’s love at first sight, right?
No, sweetie, it’s a thing called lust.
How about the author creates some sexual tension by NOT having the characters have sex and fall in love in the beginning of the book (both of which spells out ‘THE END’ for me) Build to the moment without giving into instant gratification and ploys. If you wrote a douchebag, have him douchebag it up for ½ of the book (love/hate, sexual frustration and tension) with a ¼ for redemption, and the last ¼ for ‘THE END’.
Don’t give me the meat before you even scoop the serving of potatoes on my plate, after completely bypassing the salad. We are a generation of dessert eaters when I still want to digest the whole, entire meal.
Book after book, after book, after book, after book, in an endless stream of sameness- a sameness I cannot stand.
I understand there is a guideline to each genre, a formula to follow, but c’mon! Don’t ruin your well-thought-out story by following the herd. The incredible story you briefly mentioned, as a way to introduce your character so she could get acquainted with the nearest mattress, IS the story you should be telling. Not some mediocre, dime-a-dozen, formulaic clone of all the rest.
Entertain me.
I read like an editor, and I’m not speaking of grammar rules, even though we all break them. I read a book like an editor, reading it in a way to FIX it, develop it into something more. It’s this quest that has me looking at my books with clear eyes, longing to better them for the reader. A quest I will soon be embarking upon for the Mistress & Master of Restraint Series. I don’t follow the herd. I don’t write for my readers. I challenge myself to write a better book than my last, to remove the ‘character lobotomies’ from the storyline, to write with true substance, to evolve the chemistry, the lust, the intensity of the characters’ romance.
I keep trying to read, trying to finally reach that intoxicating feeling where if disturbed I’d knife the asshole who broke me from the story… but I can’t find that plane of existence any longer.
I need more, and dear Author, I want YOU to give it to me!
Erica Chilson: The Wicked Writer 