Reading tastes evolving my writing style
Question: Do you find your reading tastes evolving as your life changes? (not that any genre is better than another, just differing from before). Please answer this for me via the comments on this blog, email at wickedwriter.ericachilson@gmail.com or M&M of Restraint closed group on FB. My curiosity is getting the better of me. I want to know if I’m somehow… broken.
My long-winded answer, with a side of defensiveness over some comments over Good Girl NOT being Erotica: (must never read another comment or review, because to me it’s like telling a mother her kid is homely. I’m sick of explaining myself, as if I have a reason that I should be defensive. My book. My rules)
As a child, I was a reluctant reader. My teachers were beside themselves because I didn’t want to read ‘Clifford the Big Red Dog’ or other books children my age thought were entertaining. I looked older than I was, and apparently I thought older than I was as well. This was decades ago, way before Kindles and ebooks. Books for the tween-aged girl were The Baby Sitter’s Club or the classics. Easily bored, it took a lot to entertain me and keep me engaged- still true to this day. My parents were at a loss, so that is when I received my first magazine subscription in my name at age 8: Mad Magazine. <- My father’s idea. 😉 Somehow he knew I’d turn out to be a closeted pervert who thought violence was humorous. “Spy vs Spy”
When I began reading novels at 10 years old, I read VC Andrews and Stephen King. Horror, mystery & suspense, with a side of sex, was the only thing that would capture my attention. Too mature for most kids my age, I’m sure. I’m no worse for wear, but highly well-read. Mom wouldn’t budge on Anne Rice, though. If a stranger had found my library card, they would have thought I was a grown woman. Good thing the librarian was my aunt and didn’t bat an eyelash at my selections. I never really thought about that until now… what did my aunt think? “Strange Kid,” I bet.
My early 20s were dedicated to VC Andrews and Oprah’s book club selections. In my late 20s through early 30s, I read Urban Fantasy and Paranormal Romance. Yes, you can thank the over-criticized Twilight to that obsession, and I’m not ashamed. It’s still one of my guilty pleasures.I was entertained; what more can I say?
For some reason I’ve yet to explore, I moved onto Dark Erotica, mixed with Young Adult as a palate cleanser. This is when I began writing. Although I was leaving UF & PNR behind, my first book was UF, and that’s why it’s my first book- the shelved Chrysalis that may never see the light of day. My second attempt was a mix of BDSM and Crime.
Restraint was a whim that I thought would never come to fruition, and less than 3 months after I started writing it, it was published. Obviously after this I read many books in the Dark Erotica and Erotica genres. Yes, I wrote Restraint way before I ever read a book it would be classified alongside. For me it was about control, and the lack of control I felt over my life, and had absolutely nothing to do with sex. Sex was just a metaphor to express how trapped I felt. While I had to categorize Restraint as Dark and Erotica because of its explicit nature, it was never smut. Never sex for the sake of sex. It was human behavior- a cerebral fucking.
Good Girl was another precipice in my life. A hybrid of contemporary and non-sexual BDSM(control over your own life and actions) with playful sex added into the mix. I was no longer reading Erotica or Dark Erotica. I’m not sure why my tastes have changed yet again. But I can’t read this type of book, and I haven’t for almost two years now. When readers recommend books that are in a similar genre as my own, I try, truly try, to read them. But I can’t. My tastes are now story-driven. It’s why I always liked YA so much. I want 100% story with amazing chemistry between well-fleshed-out characters, not 10% story with repetitive sex. Once sex is introduced, I get bored and check out, or want the story to end.
While many enjoy this: the following statement is about what I enjoy. You can debate me if you wish, but this is about personal preference and how it affects my writing style. What is sex without buildup? If it’s just input a character name here, put peg A into slot B, it doesn’t hold my attention. A hot, smooth talking dude just makes me groan. Give him some kickass name that I think is beyond ridiculous, make him heavily muscled, borderline abusive, and without any true characteristics, add a whiny woman without any self-respect, and make them screw in between 5 pages of storyline, and then screw again and again and again. Maybe add another cookie-cutter character into a menage. Don’t forget to add the Baby/Babe. Sorry, no! I can’t swallow it. I just can’t.
I understand the appeal of smut, why readers long to read it. It just doesn’t hold any appeal for me. Erica longs for… more.
In real life, that same douche wouldn’t do a thing for me, either. If he’s the abusive ass, I’d find him as an abusive ass. If he flashes me a bullshit grin… charm to me is false, lies, and highly annoying and predicable. To me it’s like small talk- I don’t have time for that waste of time… I am nothing if not serious. Debate me; that will get me hot and bothered, or just bothered. But either way, you’ll get an honest reaction out of me vs polite bullshit uttered out of social obligation.
When I read a book, I want to be left wounded, raw. I want real- real in all its glorious, pain-filled flaws. I want my emotions warped until I feel what the character is feeling, until the character becomes a true entity, and that is what I hope I achieve with my writing.
So now I find myself reading cheesy Historical Romance. Why? Why the hell would a woman who writes the M&M Series read about that era, an era that goes against her core belief system with its maltreatment to women? Easily answered: because it’s the same as when she was a child; Erica wants to read the opposite of her situation. She wants anti-reality. I’m also reading contemporary. Why you ask: because Erica also wants to read about reality. The mind that creates stories is complex enough to have to read varying genres to fight ennui.
Never fear: nothing will EVER inspire me to write historical. I love it, but just like novellas and short stories, I couldn’t write it if my life depended on it.
What does this mean for my writing future: I don’t know. M&M holds my undivided attention because it is so involved, twisted, character-driven. And as you can see from earlier books in the series vs later books, I refuse to add sex for the sake of sex. Any and all sex is to drive the story.
So I find myself with some negativity on Good Girl, not only for the addiction theme, but for the lack of erotica. Nowhere do I list this book as a sex-fest. I know readers do like smut, and I have nothing against it. I do not enjoy smut, so therefore I cannot write smut. So to negatively rate Good Girl because you are judging it against M&M or books in differing genres, is ludicrous. Good Girl, the Blended series, is NOT erotica, so to judge it against erotic is like judging Harry Potter against Fifty Shades. While Good Girl has sexual situations and themes, because real life has those, it is not a sex book. Never was, never will be, and I will make no apologies for it either. Other books in the Blended series, the sex will vary by the character. I’m not cookie-cutter. My characters are complex and different than the others. One book will not be a repeat of the last with the names and locations changed.
Is there anything I haven’t written? Any line I’ve refused to cross? I can understand why M&M readers would be blindsided by… borderline normal in Blended, but that doesn’t change a dang thing. I am the immovable object, and the only unstoppable force I will ever concede to is my own mind. Negativity will NEVER get me to move. It will only get me to become even more unbending. I’m always baffled by some comments and emails I get. My characters are dominant being. Who do you think created them? Exactly.
While many of my hardcore M&M fans will NOT enjoy Good Girl, the small following of Blended fans will NOT like Restraint. Why, you ask: because Erica Chilson is not a one-trick-pony. I have the capacity to write differing genres with equal fervor. I can write both, and I don’t ask my readers to read both. I’m good with two separate followings with a group of readers that straddle the genres. Just as my tastes have evolved over time, my writing does as well. Just as I was as a child, I am easily bored. I need both anti-reality and reality to keep myself interested… and an interested Wicked Writer writes better books than a writer that feels pressured into writing what readers want.
Can you over-edit?
Yes!
Good Girl’s final edit and the beta process have taught me that you can, in fact, over-edit your work. I write in first person, present tense. I am the character as I write. I am in their head, expressing their thoughts and actions on paper. During an edit, I am no longer the character. I become the editor. It’s hard to step back and not mess with the flow. Yes, when you wear your editor hat you have to check for grammar, punctuation, misspelled and misused words, redundancy, and bad habits, WITHOUT stepping on the other voices. But there comes a point when your characters no longer sound like your characters and begin to sound just like you. It’s called your author voice, and it carries over into everything you create. The line you should never cross is the editor voice. If you find yourself second-guessing words, replacing them- prettying them up, you’ve crossed that line.
Since I completely revamped Good Girl, I sent it to way, way too many people to check over my work and look for mistakes. I entered the ‘too many cooks in the kitchen‘ zone. Betas are invaluable, and I can never express how thankful I am that they are willing to give me their time and opinions. But, at the end of the day, this is my creation. The large grouping of betas gave me great insight into how you can over-edit. A few over-thought the process, becoming head-blind and only noting one thing, to the point they didn’t see anything else. This was valuable to me, because it showed me how I was doing the same thing. It is called a beta read for a reason. They are to ‘read‘ and note anything that yanks them from the story, and I need that. That is what annoys purchasing readers and reviewers. But with too many betas, you begin to have too many ‘voices’.
I am the one who has to rewrite the draft, because I am the only one who knows the characters. I am the one that has to rewrite the draft, because it is my author voice that created the characters. It has been an uphill battle to overlook everything that wasn’t necessary during the editing process. I kept second-guessing myself. “Maybe they are right.” “Maybe this sucks.” And then I realize that the sentence structure was not my sentence structure, that it began to take on the cadence of the beta reader. And that is why it’s not called Beta ‘edit’ or Beta ‘write’.
Whether wrong or right in the eyes of a ‘professional’, it has nothing to do with my storytelling. Two of my favorite authors are without a doubt butchers of the English language. Does that make me love them any less? Hell, no! It makes them unique. Now, I’m not talking sloppy, lazy writing. I’m speaking of their voice and the way their stories unfold, be it the flow of their words or the way they put it to paper. If you handed me a passage of their writing without stating who it was, I could accurately say who wrote it. That everlasting impression is what captivated me and kept me entertained for years. It’s what makes me salivate for their new releases- waiting more than a year per book. I want to be that for my readers, flaws and all.
Voice is more important than anything in my eyes, for without it, everything else just falls flat. It’s when you’re reading a book that is perfect but boring. Currently my character is a flawed 18 year old girl. I don’t care if the dialogue is flawed because what 18 yo, let alone a 35 yo, speaks perfectly? I’m not speaking of a jumbled up mess with shitty editing. There is a delicate balance between allowing your character’s voice to shine alongside the author voice, without infringing upon it with the editor voice.
How many times do I write one sentence? Dozens- at least. By the time I get the ‘beta copy‘ back from the betas, I’ve already rewritten that sentence again once or twice. That is why I try to stress that I’m only looking for the things that are off, because everything else is never the same. I will use this mortifying example: Panty vs Pantry. Yes, Erica wrote Panty in place of Pantry, not once, but TWICE. Isis gained an evil (good?) twin named Iris two times as well. I had a sLiver tank top versus a siLver tank top. Suz and her ‘inequity’ had me imagining a bunch of lawyers sitting around a table in their den. Iniquity 😉 Puts a whole new spin on a den of ‘inequity’, eh? My point being, what is more embarrassing: a missing comma or getting food out of your panties? While some lawyers are sexy, not all of them are. So I don’t think I’d enjoy a den of them, would you?
By the time I get the beta copies back, the odds that the words are shuffled around in the sentence and the punctuation has been fiddled with are about 100%. But the majority of the words remain the same. Those are the words my mind replaced on me. I become head-blind. This is why I need beta ‘readers’ to spot these words. I cannot stress this strongly enough. The editing is done ‘after‘ the beta ‘read’. Trust me; I know. I’ve been doing it for the past 13 days straight, twenty hours per day. (Hell, when was the last time I slept, anyway? I’m not joking. It’s 5 a.m. est, and I’ve yet to shut my eyes from the day before- I’m not writing or rewriting. All of my attention is solely focused on those dang rules- editing. I’ve learned my lesson from past horrors) Number one rule of writing: you NEVER edit while you write. You’ll get nowhere- FAST. It’s only good habits that keep your first three drafts from being a total disaster. There is a highly probable chance that those commas, periods, quote marks, ellipsis, and hyphens no longer exist. The betas receive a draft of many, not the final draft. It was one draft from being the gibberish in my head. That’s why I stress, “don’t over-think it.” Obviously I’m stressing this now for a reason 😉 *maniacal laughter*
I found myself going word-for-word, nit-picking, worrying that I was doing it wrong, and I was leaving my character and myself behind. If you look at anything too closely, you’ll find fault in it. A sentence is a string of words with endless possibilities of rearrangement. My character spewed them onto the page, and it is my job to make sure they make sense for the reader. But it is not for me to twist their words until they are no longer ‘their’ words. Writing a sentence is not complicated, unless you complicate it with over-thinking. You are expressing a thought, and nothing more.
What is complicated are the rules of your language, which vary by country, and are all up to interpretation. Writing rules change, and we can debate them to death. Oxford Comma debate, anyone? Chicken/egg? Let’s debate grammar and punctuation until it’s just a string of words that no longer read like a story, shall we? But those rules must also take a backseat to an area’s dialect. I only write characters in the North East for a specific reason- that is my region, with my dialect. If you use rules and forgo the dialect. FLAT. While perfect, it will be perfectly flat.
I cannot even guess the amount of hours I put into Good Girl. Thousands upon thousands of hours- all my hours. So it will be up to me to know what is best for the quarter of a million words that were my creation. I’m sure when it’s completed it will be flawed, that if someone wishes to tear it to shreds for their own entertainment, they will find enough wrong to do so. But as I said, a sentence is a string of words with endless possibilities… string your own sentence together, and then have the balls to withstand an army of backseat ‘editors’ dissecting it. I bet you get the same amount of variants as you do editors. You have no idea the amount of courage it takes to press publish, and how much more courage it takes to ignore the negativity. A writer has to possess quiet dignity and suffer in silence.
Good Girl is a story about a young woman learning to love herself, to be comfortable in her own skin. I had an epiphany this evening as I was editing. Me, Myself, and I get along famously with the hundreds of characters thriving in our mind, so why am I allowing anyone to enter my sanctuary? You can debate my writing style, but you will never debate me about my writing style.
Back to those rules: I play by the rules for the most part or my novels would be impossible to read. Anyone who knows me personally, or knows my ‘voice, should have figured out by now that I do not like being told what to do or how to do it.
I’m a rebel, and I’m perfectly fine with being perfectly flawed.
-peace out,
The Wicked Writer.
Dilemma
I find myself in a precarious position. First, I must give you the sequence of my WIPs for you to fully understand my dilemma.
Silenced- Grant
Integrated- Ezra
Prince- Niel
Hero- Caleb
Master- Marcus
… and possibly Monster- Ava.
One would assume I’d be diligently at work on Silenced, being as it is the next book in my series… believe it or not, Integrated is complete and with the betas, several have returned their edits already. It’s slightly longer than The Hunter, maybe 400 ebook pages. Currently, Silenced is 10,000 words in length with a daunting outline- totally at odds with the light, sexy story I’d originally planned to tell…
The Dilemma: As a writer, you are subject to your creativity- inspiration- the muse. We have a short attention span- yes, that sounds strange coming from creatures that must have intense concentration to build worlds from nothing. But we most certainly have short attention spans. Like a shiny object to a cat, a light will catch our eye and our minds flit… “Oh, shiny- a new story to weave.”
Novelists write in intense bursts of creativity- speaking of my own experience, I can go 70 hours of non-stop writing, 50,000 words in three days… and then pass out. Burn out. After which, I tell myself to slow down, LIVE a little… experience life instead of writing about it. But the siren call is so much stronger… and I’m pulled back in within days.
As a slave to inspiration, you need to determine if your muse is truly leading you astray or towards destiny. Next, you must decide if you are being indulgent with your creativity. Are you allowing yourself to be led to greener but never better pastures, or is it the path you should take.
Here is the issue: I want, no, I need to write Hero. It’s thrumming within me- screaming. A character needs voiced while it’s still fresh in my mind… but does it truly, or am I just scared to dive into the pain that Grant has to show me when Caleb is promising… hope. For Silenced is just the beginning of Grant’s journey while Hero won’t necessarily be an HEA book, it’s pushing into one… Silenced will open up to another much more pain-filled book that I don’t know when I will be emotionally ready to write- if I’ll ever be emotionally able to write.
So here I am… I have a book completed with the one that I should be writing shelved… and then I want to skip yet another book to write the one following it. Here, have a visual, Silenced, Integrated *completed*, Prince, Hero.
But what readers won’t understand until they get their hands on the story within… those books are so interwoven that Silenced & Prince will be written together… and The Hunter, Integrated, and Hero are simply extensions of one other….
So, do I indulge my muse, leaving me with a huge backlist of books to publish once I get their predecessors written… or do I push through and fear ruining the story I weave?
Then there is the fact that it could just be a shiny object being dangled in front of my face, enticing me, seducing me when it’s the wrong path…
My books are complicated to say the least. The beginning books not so much, but as you delve into my series, you see why I must have 5 or more books outlined in order to keep A-Z straight. So one book interconnects with one several books into the reader’s future but they are my present… all of these books encompass the same time frame and cast of characters.
When I find myself hesitant to thoroughly commit to a project, it means there is an issue. I already broke form by writing Integrated before Silenced. When I finished, I completely revamped Silenced outline from being a fluff piece to something rivaling Faithless and the soon-to-be written Master. How Grant ended up with an epic book is beyond my scope. While in awe, I’m a so pissed at my muse I could shriek while yanking my hair out!
Yet again, after enthusiastically reworking Silenced outline, Hero is calling me.
One thing you must understand, when I commit to a story, I write it in its entirety without interruption- without living. I say without living because I become my characters. Don’t get me started on the fact that I wanted to bite faces off while writing Faithless… Syn was a hard girl to have within your mind for 330,000+ words… Ugh! Cort was a breath of fresh air… Ezra, not bad, surprisingly. So when the choice is a sardonic yet playful submissive dealing with an abuse victim, an eighteen year old man-child, or a stern yet compassionate Marine…
yeah, I’m a 35 yo woman… snorts. Yeah, none of them fit the Erica profile- but amazingly so, I write men better than women. I guess I go with my gut… much to the readers’ dismay with having to wait extra months for releases, but will get a bounty of the dang things in a month’s time- like four books dropping one week a part.
And then I say, “Erica, cut yourself some slack. Big-time authors only write one or two books per year, about 200k words, tops… you’re almost writing a million words a year (I just bypassed 800k in less than 9 months, in case you’re curious). Take a fucking nap it’s 5 am and you’ve yet to go to f’n bed! Tomorrow is another day, but it’s already upon you!”
Pressure…
I just feel pressure.
I have pressure mounting me from every direction- it’s why I often fantasize of a world of only my creation, and get mightily pissed when yanked from said world.
I guess, in a nutshell, and it answers my dilemma, other than the pull of creation, Hero isn’t pressuring me- it’s enlivening me.
While I may write it from start-to-finish, or I may write a chunk and return to the one known as coward… who knows. But I just realized the irony that I’m debating the coward vs the hero… *rolls eyes*
Wow…
Public Persona- Private Person
I may write for public consumption, but that doesn’t mean I am public domain.
This morning I received a very disrespectful comment. At first, my reaction was utter shock. How can someone say that to me? Why do they believe that they have the right? My second reaction was one of outrage. My personal stance is to never engage in a comment war- a very good stance indeed. My third reaction was to passive-aggressively say something sarcastic that could be taken either way (nice or snide). Lastly, I decided not to reply at all or approve the comment.
While I will not call this person out or even voice the comment I received, I do have to say something about it. I write a strong message in my stories. Empowerment. Respect, both for ones self and others. And it blows my mind how easily readers feel they have the right to say whatever they wish to me. I liken it to going up to a complete stranger and saying nasty shit. As my readers well know, I take respect seriously. So at seven in the morning, instead of enjoy the last of sleep’s warm embrace, I am shaking from how emotional I feel.
The Hunter’s first chapter was all me- the majority taken from my blog postings or straight from my head. I was personally giving a plea to my readers, a plea I hoped they would read, understand, and empathize with. Not just for me, but for my fellow writers as well.
A part of each of my characters comes directly from me- so when you bash one, you are also bashing a segment of me. So I take personal offense. I feel like you just told me my newborn is ugly and stupid. Cort received my writing and insecurity. All writers are insecure in some form. We write for public consumption- meaning the public has to like it or they won’t read any more. So when I receive negative feedback it negatively impacts my confidence.
I can take constructive criticism. It’s par for the course and necessary so that I don’t get a big head and arrogantly go down a path of destruction. Then there are the personal attacks, which I just cannot fathom. Even my nearest and dearest do not know me well enough to personally attack me since I keep my emotions and thoughts closed off. They are private, between me, myself, and I. So when a reader or stranger personally attacks me, and it is personal. As they do not know my person, then how can they attack me? Why do they believe they have the right?
I cannot please everyone. Hell, I cannot please half of you. Most of the time I cannot even please myself. Why? Because we are all individual and see things through our own eyes. Never will two people see the same thing in something- it’s impossible.
Some may hate what I do to a storyline thread, others may praise it. Some may hate a cover of mine, some may love it. It’s up to interpretation. But what it is not up to… is any of you. This is my creation. This is the world and the characters and the stories I’ve imagined from nothing. And while it saddens me that I might disappoint you along the way, I refuse to change for anyone.
I could cater to specific fans, but it would only alienate the rest…. and since ultimately it is my name on this work of public consumption, I’m the only one that has to be okay with what I produce.
There are a few things that I must take into consideration when writing. I must stay within a character’s personality traits, their ethics, and their preferences. It is my duty to put them through their paces and make them earn their ultimate HEA. The title must impart the premise of the story, give you an idea of what lies within the pages. The covers must maintain a theme and color scheme (M&M series) (red/black/white/gray), must relate to the title (you cannot have a badass title like The Hunter and have a romantic cover, how silly would that look? It would be like having a book titled Blade but it’s a bodice ripper image) and contain a picture best describing the character. Note: Best describing the character as I’ve envisioned, seeing as I’m the one that created them in the first place. Each cover must blend, but also stick out among the crowd of their peers. Also, many readers may not realize this. We do not just pick a picture off the internet and use it. We must pay for the right to use the image- and it is not cheap. We also have to find a representation of a person we know inside and out, but is entirely fictitious- their clone may not exist in real life, and if they do, their image may not be for sale. It also has to be an image that can be altered, an image where the writing (title, author, series, etc..) doesn’t disrupt the image’s integrity. Then you have to pay someone to design your cover. So insults to any of the above are insults to the author, the cover model, the photographer/artist, the cover designer. That is a lot of people to insult over your personal tastes, I might add.
I will never apologize if my stories, covers, who ends up with whom, or the order in which I write my stories. But I will say is that receiving negative feedback that is more personal in nature and is more of a personal tastes of the reader’s is not constructive and very demotivational.
I am a writer, and we operate on emotion. Certain emotions feed our need to create, and the output is determined by the emotion. Obviously I am not a sunshiny girl, which is evident by my writing style. Which belies the readers reasoning to outwardly challenge me on my own works.
I love reader interaction, the good and the bad inspires me to strive. The bad motivates me to do better. But the personal… well, that just makes me feel sad.
It saddens me that I have to write this posting today. It saddens me that I’m sure the person who dealt me the offense may not even realize it, but for the life of me, I’m unsure how they could not. It saddens me that when they read this they will know it was about them. But that isn’t entirely true either. I receive these types of comments multiple times per day. Whereas the comment was directed at me, this is not directed at the commenter- truly.
My reason for posting my thoughts was simply to express that you should watch what you say- you never know how it will be interpreted by the receiver. And as you may not have meant it as it was taken as it was, it’s not up to you on how the other person feels. It is their right to feel as they do, and no one should dictate feeling.
Live a life of respect for yourself and your fellow creatures. Because hurt feelings just… suck.
Phenomenon: Katya Hate-On
This is an odd posting, but in light of The Hunter premise, recent activity on my fan page, and my feelings as I write Integrated, I felt the need to get something off of my chest. I’m sure I will piss some readers off, and perhaps spoil some shit. You can dissect my words for clues on Integrated and so forth. But this is simply in defense of Katya Waters.
As I’ve interacted with readers and read reviews… People HATE Katya’s f’ing guts. It’s an everyday occurrence that I get an ‘I hate Katya’ from someone on my various pages. I’ve had actual death-threat emails over this, I shit you not. Katya is a fictitious character… ya know. I mean, kill her? Yes, death-threats. *smh*
It’s an interesting dynamic for me. I’m not trying to sway your feelings over the character. I actually want to know your view, because it helps me with character development in the future. I’m curious to see where I went wrong, or if it is simply a case of we see ‘this character‘ with ‘this character‘ and will accept nothing less.
It’s a phenomenon in psychology, how we gloss over the huge shit going on but pick on a character that has blended into the background as we hear about her through a tainted lens.
At first, I was waiting for someone, anyone, to stand up for Katya… when readers kept hating on her, I kept making it more obvious… and still… nothing. No one said, “Help Katya. This isn’t right. Why are you doing this?” Since I am a maniacal bitch, I started bashing Katya through the narration of other characters just to see if anyone would say anything.
You are aware that Katya is Ezra’s WIFE, right? No? Because we don’t seem to care that Ezra has NEVER acted like a husband…
My stories have STRONG females. Females who believe in empowerment and are borderline cock haters. A few are huge feminists. The readers love Faith and Regina. LOVE. & this pleases me to no end. I’m proud to make inspiring characters…
BUT, and yes, this is a huge but, it’s okay for said strong females spouting empowerment to bully Katya- both of the favorites do. They bully Katya for actions out of her control. & I had Faith say some nasty shit about a Tonka truck… and ya know what? That wasn’t even about Katya, that was about EZRA & CORTEZ… yes, that’s right. It was the disrespect they showed Katya. But, nope, the readers blamed Kat. And while written with a humorous twist, it was rather gross of Faith to think those thoughts about Katya and not blame the men. Again, no one noticed, or Faith was applauded for being nasty.
For me, it just shows how women think and behave. No matter what, we pit ourselves against one another. We won’t stick up for each other. But we will fight over a cock, even a worthless and faithless cock. Time and time again, I made it to where Regina and Faith could have stepped in and rescued Kat, but I didn’t have them do it to show how women do not stick up for each other…
I wrote the story this way for a reason. It was on design for what is to come. I’m known for cerebral fuckage. But I was astonished by the hate-on the readers had for Katya, how they felt no compassion towards her but felt it for her abusers and bullies.
It’s interesting. Lends to the blame the victim mentality. By no means should behaviors be forgiven because you were once a victim. But what about those victimizers that are so nonredeemable but we seem to love them anyway…
I just really feel the need to defend my creation. I just don’t see where this anger is coming from- this hypocrisy… and as I continue to write a story that Katya hovers around, I’m left feeling frustrated. Yes, I wrote it this way. It’s the readers’ perceptions that are baffling me…
I mean, it’s not like Kat is a whore, a murderer, a serial rapist, a criminal, a drug lord… that’s all good, right? I mean. we can just forgive that shit, right?
Kat’s only crime is that she wants to be the best at her profession instead of staying at home with the kids.. It’s the only thing Kat has any control over, and even then, it’s only perceived control. I’ve heard the mother complaints from a lot from readers. I’m a huge advocate for stay-at-home moms, I was raised by one. We are all different. Some ppl are not meant to be mommies. Neither is better than the other, it’s just lifestyle choices… choices written in a series about alternative lifestyles, I might add. Ironically, what’s perfectly fine for the beloved women in my series isn’t for Katya. Think on that for a moment… …. …. okay, Regina and Faith have careers. I actually did that to see if anyone would bitch, but they never did. Just about Katya.
Kat has sex. OMG! Yes, why, yes, she does… It’s dark erotica… aren’t they all fucking someone? But Katya isn’t banging husbands behind their wives’ backs… that’s okay for the beloved characters to betray Katya with Ezra, though, right? & the readers don’t even blame Ezra or Regina. That’s perfectly acceptable behavior… if your name isn’t Katya.
But Kat is dog shit because she doesn’t want to be humiliated and disrespected by the very women that spout empowerment and feminism? Everyone is huge Regina and Faith fans. While I love and respect my creations, I love them equally, and I made them equally as flawed as they are good.
This is something I’ve been examining for well over a year, and when I went back to fix Restraint & Unleashed… I was like, “wow. I never noticed that before.” I just want to give Katya a fucking hug.
& yes, this is raw in my mind because I wrote a 6,000 word chapter today on this very subject within Integrated. & I could list the merits of Katya Waters vs her bullies or copy/paste segments of what I’d written. But I won’t because I don’t want to taint your view of the books. I go into great depth with this, and I could now. But if you don’t realize Katya’s motivations right now, I’d rather you just read about it in Integrated.
I hope when you read Integrated that you regain your compassion and actually see things clearly. if not, I tried my damnedest through 6,000 words of my character bleeding out…
Katya is my stalking horse… You guys might not love Kat, but she is my creation… my very first creation… and more than 75% of her personality traits, physical characteristics, and even the town she lived in and the life she had led… was all me. I’ve used her to express how I’ve felt: violated, trapped, confused, lost, alone, trapped, scared, and tortured. Kat has been living how I lived, in a much more fanatical way, obviously. Right now, she is lost and trapped, and stepped on…I’ve been there- we all have. That is what is baffling me- the lack of empathy and compassion as we praise the victimizer and blame the victim… just step back and truly think on this. Your feelings of all the characters and why.
I use Katya as an example of life. We all overlook what the cocks do… and we will take sides with the vaginas, even if it’s the wrong side. But there is always one person that we hate for no fucking reason at all. Think about it… it’s true in all walks of life, every part of the world, and in every age group… and for some fucked up reason, just among the vaginas.
Interesting… as I said, never forget, I write by perception. One person’s lens may be tainted because they aren’t in the other character’s head. And everything I write is for a reason- and most likely, a psychological reason.
Please, feel free to tell me your thoughts. It’s why I wrote this. Join us in the M&M of Restraint Closed group on Facebook or email me: thewickedwriter@yahoo.com
Whatnots….
Warning: This posting will be a mishmash of a billion little bits of information… and extremely long-winded. I’ll put headers so that you may skip potions you don’t give a damn about. *wink wink* I’m riding through Ohio, destination New York (Groceries, fruit & vegetables :P) & Pennsylvania (Home) So I have a few hours of heading eastbound while glaring into the rising sun to formulate a long blog posting. Oh, and rocking out to my father’s love of Creedence Clearwater Revival, but thank goodness he’s no longer listening to his favorites on Sirius radio. I was about ready to jump from the moving car during Fox News & that eighties rock station. The wickedly bright, and always in my eyes no matter how hard I try to avoid it, sun and I are about to have words. I lost a screw in my glasses & I’m missing my transitions lenses something fierce. DANG, this freakin’ sucks!
Edited Versions of my titles
I’ve been contacted a few times in the past few hours on how to tell which version is which and if it is necessary to reread or what the changes were. Restraint, Good Girl, and Unleashed were edited and uploaded the first week of July. On the title page of these editions it will say their date of publication and their revised editions of November 2012/July 2013 (Restraint & Unleashed) & July 2013 (Good Girl) If you do not have these editions, please go to my account on Amazon, manage Kindle devices, and click to ‘turn on’ automatic updates. The newest edition should upload the next time you sync your device. Or follow the steps above until manage Kindle devices, on the library click the drop down next to the title you wish to update, and click update. You can also access this from the purchase page on Amazon (website only) you may also remove the title from device or archive, and redownload the edition. If all else fails, and it has for a select handful of ppl, please contact Amazon via telephone, and have them ‘reset’ your copy to the newest version. Most copies update, but it is out of my control and totally in Amazon’s hands. I don’t know why some update while others don’t.
The changes per title:
Restraint was lengthened from 70k to 100k. Restraint went through a lot of sentence restructure, formatting, and proofreading. I’ve grown within my craft & I want to make my work the best it can be. Restraint was polished, the scenes were expanded with description, and the storyline was fixed for issues in flow and storyline conflict. The overall premise did not change. If you think you need to reread for other than the enjoyment of beginning the series anew, no fear, there is no need. I realize that a lot of readers hate rereading, while some are like me, finding comfort in a reread. I will not change the storyline of my works unless there is a major conflict that I didn’t anticipate.
Unleashed & Good Girl were slightly lengthened by a few thousand words. I didn’t find as many errors, conflicts, or need to restructure the sentences. They basically received a thorough going over and polish.
As I write new titles, I will be going back to past titles, Dexter is next on my list… and yes, I will be going back to the beginning with Restraint & Good Girl when I finish all of my titles. I foresee me doing this until I find the titles flawless. (which is an impossibility) This also help to refresh the little things in my mind as I write new books within these series. Good Girl was a refresher for Widow, & Dexter will be a refresher before I begin The Hunter, and so on.
Thoughts on reviews:
I thank those who have taken the time to review my works, albeit positive or negative. Either way, obviously my work struck a chord within the reader enough for them to think about the story and take time from their busy lives to write a few sentences or a long review. So thank you.
I do not read reviews on principle. Any review, good or bad, is an emotional drain for me. While positive may fill me with inspiration, negative will undoubtedly demotivate my ass… and I never know if it’s positive or negative. Even a positive 5 star review can be riddled with unintentional landmines.
It’s a vicious cycle to engage in, an addiction. “This person loves me. “This person loathes me.” “OMG, I fucked that up!” By the time I read two or three reviews, I’m hunting up a razor blade (I jest. I’m not a cutter, but you get the point… and in all seriousness, I’ve thought about it before. But through the force of my massive willpower, I’ve abstained)
I have to take a step back from all of the closet backseat drivers (editors) and the people who think they can write my stories better than I can. Word of advice, you can’t. Why do I have the arrogance to say you can’t write my story better than I can? Simple, because it’s MY STORY, and I am the creator of its universe. As far as my grammar Nazis… I’ve grown a lot, and I will continue to grow within all the facets of my craft. Making fun of me when you make similar mistakes in the bashing review is kind of… interesting.
Final words: I am a human being. Just because I put my work out for public consumption does not mean you have the liberty to speak to me in any manner you wish. You do realize what I write, correct? I abhor DISRESPECT! Writer and authors alike are regular people with regular lives. We are all walking in similar directions down different paths. While I love interacting with my readers (I truly do) it is unnerving when some make demands (write it like this, you should have done this differently…) everything within my work is up to my discretion because it’s MY work. I thank you for the input. But no, I will not change who I am to meet whatever expectations you have of me. & yes, this is coming from a location of stress that I feel every time I receive this type of message or email. It’s completely inconceivable why people believe I will kotow to them for any reason, no matter how big or small.
In retrospect, the people in the digital land of the internet are just people, strangers. I liken the criticism and demands to a complete stranger walking up to me on a crowded street and making demands of me. Who wouldn’t be pissed? I have no idea who you are, as you have no idea of who I am. That’s not entirely true. I am an open book: my real name, age, location, and my words bleed upon the page. My point is that until you and I have multiple interactions over a long spans of time, like any relationship, you have no rights to me until you’ve earned it. I’m a very guarded person, I even take great offence when my nearest and dearest place pressure on me. Quickest way to clam me up, make a demand of me.
Note to everyone: It could be anyone on the other side of that user name with a stolen pic as a profile picture. Unless you are a public figure, you have no idea who is on the other side of the computer screen. So yes, the negatives wound me, but then I realize it could be anyone. This isn’t coming from a position of arrogance. Why should I heed words from someone who doesn’t know me, and may be ten years old giving me writing, editing, plotting, and storyline advice? I do not go to your place of employment or your home and follow you around telling you how to do this or that on a subject I know jack-shit about, so don’t come into my home and office through my laptop screen giving me advice about my occupation that you may or may not have any experience with. As bitchy as that last statement is, it’s all about mutual respect.
I will take all advice with a grain of salt, even from my betas and fellow writers. Because, ultimately, I am the one who has to live with my work. After all, it has my real name attached to it, not yours.
Really, think on this… Catfish was not a fictitious story!!! Scary, that!
Reader interactions:
I love hearing from readers, whether good or bad (not the readers 😉 The comments) Please be respectful, though. I don’t need you walking on eggshell or any shit like that. My self-confidence isn’t make of spun glass, but I am prone to bouts of extreme frustration. I have the ability to look in my mirror and acknowledge my faults. So you can’t say anything to me that I didn’t already know. With this said, go ahead and write me in any media you wish (email, msg, and comments on the website or Facebook pages. Friend my ass, and I’ll accept. Hell, you can write me letters if you wish)
I’ve had a lot of positive interactions with readers, and it’s been a cause of inspiration. M&M of Restraint is Dark and contains very dark themes. I’ve had a lot of abuse survivors contact me, saying I’ve helped them come to terms with their violation. You have no idea how this makes me feel. I want my readers to feel empowered by my work. While I may not write traditional HEA, my characters always end up with a feeling of completion within themselves. Do not give power to your victimizer by dwelling in the past. You are stronger than that!
Within the Playroom series, I dive into substance addiction, and it will be a thread within the series. It is something that has directly affected my life in several way, and I wish to address it. I’ve had a few readers contact me in thanks over writing about something that is usually pushed underneath the rug or dramatized as being fun and carefree. I’m a firm believer in tough love and totally against enabling the abuser. I hope this helps to push readers to change aspects of their lives that aren’t fulfilling them, negative people within their lives included.
Current works in progress:
Widow: a dual narrated storyline between the Widow & the Widower. Clover Webster and Malcolm Mason alternate chapters. Odd chapters for the Widower, & even chapters for the Widow. I’ve read a lot of multiple POV books, and it always confused me when the point of view would shift within a chapter with no real indication, and sometime within the same paragraph. I’ve had to read several paragraphs to gauge who the hell was narrating. Believe it or not, big time authors make this mistake within their books, especially those who have more than 2 narrators. My all-time favorite author is a HUGE offender. She also uses an upwards of 19 narrators (I think that was the final tally on her last published work) within this chaotic mess.
Using my idols are a model on what not to do, I decided that I would ease the transition by giving each narrator their own chapter with headings, so you never need to determine who is speaking/thinking because I told you before you began. Since this is my first foray into the land of multiple POV, I decided to simplify it with only 2 narrators.
Widow is a HEA storyline. One of the strongest romances I’ve written. While not saccharine in the least, with some very strong dark themes, it is pure romance. The Playroom series is my venture to get away from the darkness of The M&M series. There are no billionaires, fanatical storylines, or outlandish lifestyles. The Playroom is real people who have very real issues and kinks. They suffer through daily struggles with rent/mortgages, occupations, families, and children.
Good Girl was the introduction to the cast of characters. I needed it to highlight the playful naïveté of a teenager. It did not end with a cliffhanger or any real resolution because Willow Prynne is a still a child in my eyes. Willow has to grow up before she gets the life she deserves. Willow’s resolution will be within the pages of book 4 of the series. But you will continue to see Willow grow throughout book 2 and 3.
Widow was the perfect nexus for the series. The union of Malcolm and Clover gives us a glimpse of the cast of characters. Yes, I just said the union. There is no secret that they are going to hook up. In the format of romance, the format that I usually hate, mind you, you know from page one how the book will end. It’s why I’m not a fan of romance. I like a mystery. I don’t like knowing that the main protagonists are destined to be together no matter what. But in Widow’s case, it needed to be written as romance. It’s the progression of the characters as they solidify their family that sets up the rest of the series.
Widow is a sensual book. It shows the softer, gentler side of BDSM. In Good Girl, I broke down the barriers of BDSM by showing the playfulness of the lifestyle. I want readers to realize the lifestyle is NOT about abuse, force, or pain. There should always be a choice based on trust. Recently fiction has portrayed the lifestyle with an abusive filter, desensitizing readers to what is really right or wrong. Abuse is not sexy, it’s abuse, and it’s illegal. A personal violation is not romantic, no matter what light you shine on it. It’s assault. You should never allow someone to infringe upon your rights as a human being. I cannot stress this strongly enough!
Yes, I’ve written force and non-consent, but I’ve made sure you see the after-effects of such an event. I’ve shown these events to empower the victim when they survive because life is not pretty. Force is not romance, and it’s not sexy or hot. It may be some people’s kink. But there is a fine line between it being a mutual choice and assault. It’s a choice, both parties always have a choice. Don’t fall into a trap by allowing yourself to see it through a tainted filter. *lecture complete*
Back to Widow… our Widower, Malcolm Mason is the ultimate alpha male who wants to take care of his family. He isn’t abusive because he struggles with his own past. He suffers from skin hunger, and readers will experience the softer, sensual side of the lifestyle through Malcolm.
Widow sets up Wayward. Wayward will be narrated by Augustus Kline, Robin Prynne, and Isis Mason. I want to stress that the narrators do not indicate unions. While the three lifelong friends may find HEA together, you’ll have to read to find out. I’ve grouped my narrators by age and connection. Similar to book 4 with Willow Prynne and Kieren and Devon Mason. It would be disjointed to have narrators of differing ages. To read as a teen/young adult, and then be thrust in the mind of an adult would be discombobulating, especially for me as I write it.
Widow is slated for release on the final week of August. It may be sooner rather than later. Only the muse knows. Currently the book is 75k words in length, and about 3/4th completed. I have no true length on my books. I end them when the story deems it should be ended. However, I do price my books according to length.
Pricing:
I’ve never written a work under 50k, but if I do, here is the pricing guide I always follow.
10-25,000 words: 99 cents
26-40,000 words: $1.99
41-60,000 words: $2.99
61-100,000 words: $3.99
All first in a series will be listed at $3.99, regardless of length. (If shorter than 100k, will be priced less. It’s why Restraint was just raised to $3.99 from its original $2.99. The revision pushed it over 100k) First in a series are also subject to .99 cent sales and free promotions.
101,000+ words: $4.99
Over 150,000 words: $5.99
Omnibus editions & epic length novels over 300,000 words: $9.99.
Only paper editions will ever be over $9.99. Yes, I do plan on paper editions in the near future.
These prices are well under the guidelines that major publishers and independent and self-published authors use. I will never rip off my readers. I know more than anyone how horrible the economy is currently. I’d rather have my loyal fans read my books for next to nothing than go without. My code is to give the reader a lot of content and story for as little price as possible. But a girl has to eat… even if she’s on a diet.
First person present tense:
If you haven’t figured out yet, I’m just writing whatever pops into my mind as it pops into my mind. (Dude, both times I typed pops, POOPS flowed from my fingertips! *snickers) Currently, I see the sign promising Erie Pennsylvania in 40 miles, and my bladder is about to freakin’ burst. Dang you, Venti Caramel Iced Coffee from the Ohio Toll road Starbucks that litter the plazas… But alas, we’ve run out of plazas since we’ve abandoned that road for Ohio’s I-90, which seems very short on rest areas. GONNA PISS MY PANTS! A coffee piss is worse than a beer piss.
So anyhoo… case in point about first person present tense (dude, Fox news just took over CCR L) I write in this tense because it causes the reader to experience the story as it’s happening, like my current pissy pants issue. You’re reading about my predicament as I experience the bulging pressure of a full to bursting bladder.
I can’t write in past tense. I just can’t do it. I hate it when I do a flashback sequence. I also can’t write a 3rd person perspective, either. It also takes me a long time to get into a book that is written that way. I think in the here and now. So the entire time I’m reading about the “saids” and “dids” I’m like, but your dialogue is in present tense. WTF? Yeah, it confuses me and pulls me from the story. I know the norm is past tense. But… yeah, my story, my freakin’ rules! Yes, I’m a dominant personality. You should know this by now.
Plus, that third person makes me feel like a patient at an insane asylum when it’s not written properly. I’m not Ezra Zeitler of the multiple personality persuasion. Like, I’m talking about myself in third person or some shit. You don’t think, ‘she walked into the room,’ when thinking about your own actions. I’m like, “bitch, I sashayed into the room, and everyone was looking at me.”
In case you are wondering… yeah, reviews from first person perspective haters led me to this strange train of thought. *shrugs* You ain’t making me write any differently than I already do. I’ll perfect my craft, but I’m not catering to everyone’s likes. It’s an impossibility. Plus, I really do love reading first person present, so that’s what I write.
WELCOME TO PENNSYLVIANIA. My home state better cough up a freakin bathroom before I wet this leather seat with my coffee piss! OMG! A Rest Area! Thank you baby Jesus! I love you Pennsylvania for the short while before we dip back into New York, my other ridge-running state.
AH! I feel five pounds lighter! Pure bliss! & you wouldn’t enjoy my discomfort and subsequent relief if it wasn’t for the first person present tense writing J
WHAT’S NEXT?
My muse has a mind of her own. After Widow, I may or may not write The Hunter or Wayward. Sometimes as I’m writing a series and I finish one book, the next manifests immediately. Other times I’m able to go between the series with little issue. It’s why I only write 2 series at a time. Any more than that and I would go insane.
I can give you some info on The Hunter, though. I will do my damnedest to get The Hunter released before Thanksgiving. I have some events, sales and such for that time frame, and again at Christmas/New Years because of all the new devices being purchased as gifts. Yeah, it’s a long ways off, but I have to keep a schedule. I want Widow, Wayward, and The Hunter published before then. And it all depends on length. Like with Faithless, which I thought would be a short book. I never know what the book’s length will be until it tells me… so it all depends. We will see!
The Hunter: Cortez Abernathy is experiencing writer’s block, as you learned in several books and the why of it during chapter 105 of Faithless. I want to get away from a parallel storyline, flashback, dream sequences… but I want to give Cort’s perspective of past events without rehashing them to death. Cort’s story is the time frame of after they moved to Misery Castle (KING- ending chapters of Faithless) The reader will be in the present as Cort and company deal with events, but will experience the past through Cort’s newest book, The Hunter. The Hunter is an autobiographical Cortez Abernathy memoir.
Cortez’s book will be more romancy, emotional, and life-changing. It’s not a coming of age story, more of a finding one’s true path kind of story. Cortez is lost. I’ve been strongly toying with an idea, and I’m on the fence. After Widow, for the first time ever, I’m seeking the advice from my betas. What I may or may not do is irreversible, and I don’t want to fuck up my series by acting in haste. No, I’m not offing any major characters (I promise). But it will have far reaching consequences, and I do believe I’m going to do it. Sometimes I amaze myself. *snickers* Yes, you should be very worried!
Warning aside, The Hunter will be very sweet, very emotional, and as gut-wrenching as it is playful and charming. Basically, Cort’s book will be just like his personality!
Silenced: I believe will be a short book, and not because Grant doesn’t have a lot to say… it’s just that his book ties into a more complex book. But I felt it was the right time to set up what Grant has going on. His swagger and naughtiness will be a good palate cleanser between Cortez and Ezra’s emotional torture roller coaster ride from Hell. Grant has some ‘play’ he’s working on to get attention from an unlikely source. Wil kept hinting at this during Faithless. “One step closer, congrats!” kind of dialogue. Plus, Grant is mighty pissed his bedroom romp with Faith was interrupted.
Next up is Integrated (Ezra Holden Zeitler’s book). After that, it’s either Niel or Katya’s book. Yeah, that gives you a hint about what I’m toying with…
HOME NOW
What I have planned for this evening: I have a few winners to choose for the rafflecopter giveaway. I also have to send out copies of my books to a prize winner from another giveaway I was a part of. I’m doing laundry out the ass! I have to create a report for the sales for the promo weekend, and I think I will post the first two chapters of Widow (a chapter from both narrators)…
Sneaky Snakes!
As usual, after a Kindle free promotion weekend: It wasn’t good enough that I gave out thousands of FREE books, ppl must read the rest of the books for FREE as well. Unleashed had a return this morning, now there is a return for Dexter, and I’m positive there will be one for Dalton next… and so on. Now I just checked, and there are two Unleashed returns. Man, it’s amazing how people accidently one-click my books in series order, and manage to return them after reading…. Amazing… absolutely amazing…
Note to readers
This is within the pages of Faithless.
~Note to Readers~
There are a lot of misconceptions on what constitutes Dark Erotica or BDSM Fiction. Many would say that I do not write within my genre. I’ve read a myriad of contradictory statements. Every genre is broken down into sub-genres. But a lot of the misconception breaks down to a lack of knowledge.
BDSM doesn’t mean you live your life in a dungeon. It also doesn’t mean that your life is consumed with kink. While hot to read, the people of the lifestyle are not sexual beasts. They have lives, jobs, families, hobbies, and friends that do not revolve around kink.
My books are not centered in a dungeon, because life is not centered in a dungeon. I just cannot write one dimensionally. This works for shorter novels or standalone shorts and novellas, but not a longstanding series. I have to show all the facets of life to create a three dimensional storyline with lifelike characters… and sometimes, life just isn’t sexy.
Eroticism in my series: again, people have varying libidos. I cannot write every character as a sexual deviant that runs around dry-humping everyone like a dog. Each book is individually written based on the character. Some of my characters are randy sonsofbitches and others are more passive. I find that the overuse of sex in a book is just as bad as no sex in a book. I cannot connect with a book when it’s punch-you-in-the-face sex from the very first chapter. I need teased and enticed. I want a book to seduce me right along with the characters. Readers may read one hundred pages and find no sex or they may find sixty pages of sexually explicit content within my books. Why? It depends on my characters, my mood when plotting and writing, and the flow of the storyline. I will never write sex just for the sake of sex. If you find a random hookup in my books… it’s never random.
Mistress & Master of Restraint is the title of the series, and not because it revolves around Restraint. The Mistress & Master denotes that the narrator of each book will be a Dominant. The Restraint denotes it as the common denominator- the link between the characters. You may read a book and never enter Restraint. But all of the books will be narrated by a Dominant and be connected to Restraint.
Another BDSM misconception: BDSM isn’t necessarily about sex. The lifestyle varies as much as any culture varies. BDSM is always about release: sexual, mental, emotional, spiritual, pleasure, and pain. It could be a combination of one or two, all of them, or only one. But it most certainly doesn’t have to be sexual. It is a hunger that is being fed. As beings, we need sustenance, oxygen, water, sleep, sex, and companionship. Why would BDSM only feed one of your biological needs? And biological doesn’t always equate sexy.
Dominance: it is inborn. You are either dominant or you are not. You cannot learn it. Often in Dark Erotica or BDSM Fiction, books will portray the Dominant in a very cruel light. I’d heard from many that Dexter wasn’t cruel enough of as sadist. Dominant means you are a natural born leader, not an ABUSER. Cruel is abuse. As a survivor of domestic violence, abuse is never sexy.
I’ve heard from readers that they do not like children in my books, and a few said they didn’t want marriages and pregnancies. I assume this is because readers want fantasy, and this is too real to life. I cannot connect with a book that is missing major life events. Children exist or we wouldn’t have any adults. Pregnancies exist or we wouldn’t have any more children. What is sex? Sex is a biological need to mate- mate to create children. It blows my mind that my books should be without pregnancy, children, or unions. Seriously?
While real life isn’t sexy… it’s real.
HEA/HFN: I’ve written blog posting about this subject. My characters always have a HEA, it may not be within their book, and it may not be within a coupling. I believe HEA begins and ends inside of you. If the character is content with their lot in life, then they have reached their HEA. And on the opposite end: Dexter, again, readers felt he shouldn’t have an HEA because he is a sadist. I’ve heard this with Syn, as well. Why not? While fictitious, they are human beings. Only a submissive person should be happy, even if they have a nasty personality?
Romance: nowhere are the M&M books listed as romance. A few popular series that are listed as Romance, dip their toes in the BDSM or Erotica or Dark Erotica pool. The mainstream readers believe that all these types of novels should read just as those do. They are disappointed when my books do not read like a romance novel. I have another series, the Playroom, which has more romantic themes- less dark. I say less dark instead of light and romantic themes instead of romance, because I am incapable of light and romancy reads. I write darkly, twisted, sarcastic, wounded, raw and gritty, suspenseful and mysterious. Just as I do not write one dimensional characters, I do not write within one genre. I do not write to outrage or titillate or freak out my readers. I just write what my imagination tells me to write.
I guess the reason for this note is to clear up some of the misconceptions about my writing. I will not write to please specific readers, because it is impossible to please everyone. Hell, I love a lot of books the majority loathes, and I loathe a lot of books the majority loves. What’s the saying… no book is ever read the same way twice and no two readers read the same book.
Possessed by my characters
I’ve had a lot of stops and starts with Faithless. I believe I’ve attempted to write it 5 or 6 times, and then I burn the hell out. In the past, I’ve written books in one sitting. What I mean by that, is that nothing distracts me until the first draft is completed. I won’t read, watch tv, shop. Usually I ignore small things *cough cough* major things: Family. Responsibilities. Hygiene (um, I’m clean, dammit!) (HA!) I have two feet of natural curly hair so it gets ignored by being twisted on my head- washed, not combed, and tied the hell up. I feel mildly guilty over the fact that I am well on my way to dreadlocks. I think I could pull it off. & it’s sundress weather- time to break out the razor and paint the tootsies 😉
Faithless has been different. I will make huge headway over a period of 4-5 days, and then burn the hell out. One reason is that Faithless is like the length of the first 5 books in the M&M series. It took me a while to figure out that was some of it. I HAD written the length of a first draft, just not the length of Faithless’ first draft.
This time around, I’ve dicked off. I’ve worked on Wicked Reads stuff. Played around on the websites. All in the name of saying I’m doing something productive in my career. I don’t believe in play until I finish one book and haven’t started another. But I seem to forget that in the first four months of 2013 I’ve published Good Girl, written Widow, written KING, and written part one of Faithless, hell, I even started The Hunter. So in retrospect, I shouldn’t feel guilty for the hundreds of hours spent playing the Sims 3 and for reading like 50 books in the past six weeks.
And I called this pretend to work while trying to relax time: Writer’s Block.
I’ve been a moody bitch, biting and snapping and feeling unhinged- MANIC. Everything is rubbing on my last nerve. It’s not like I’m crying or anything. Frankly, I feel like I could hurt something.
Two reasons for my Faithless difficulty:
Length:
I have no idea how long this book will be. A conservative guesstimate is 1000+ pages. I have well over 100 chapters outlined and I already have 34 written. So yeah, that 134 chapters in a book. We are talking at least 10 pages per chapter. So these writing tangents where I feel like I didn’t get a lot of progress. I did. It’s just so long that you don’t see it. Like a sprint vs a marathon. It’s demotivational.
Possession:
My past characters haven’t been sunshine and rainbows or anything. Dalton is Emo for heaven’s sake. Whitt was a breath of fresh air. Angsty Willow was snarkilicous to write. Easy-peasy, so fresh and breezy. SYN… *groan* that girl takes a lot out of me, and I am just getting to the part where she thinks she might be a sadist. It’s only going to get worse from here on out.
As I write, I develop my character. I have to become one with the character to accurately write them. I know them inside and out. When I first started writing, I didn’t get as absorbed, and I’m sure the reader can notice this. I’m not as invested in Kat, or even Dexter. Don’t get me wrong, I love them. I just don’t know them. By the time Queen was written, I pretty much was taken over by Regina. And it’s obvious. Regina is a strong woman, but loving and kind.
SYN– I’ve been Possessed by SYN.
That is an atrocious place to be. You’ve read about our Petite Sadist. You’ve witnessed her grunts and sneers and snarls. After a day or five of being inside Syn’s head, I have to call it quits. Seriously, she is making me manic. She is sweet and loving and broken. She is snide and nasty and deadly. She is fierce and loyal. Syn takes no prisoners.
Syn has affected how I deal with outside forces. I am very tactful and pleasant. I can look you in the eye and smile while I think the sarcastic remarks that will never leave my lips. But Syn. Syn makes me say those remarks. Syn makes me post statuses and comments and blog posts. She isn’t satisfied if she feels disrespected. She is disciplined and she demands a lot of me.
Syn & I have came up with an agreement. We will push out those chapters a few days at a clip, and then Erica gets 24-48 hours to remember she is Erica.
Bitch-slaps through the laptop screen
Note before you read on: I DO want you all to email, msg me, reach out to me. I love it! I’m just easing some pressure by writing something that I will call- venting. Writers vent through the written word. We are an introverted bunch who don’t feel comfortable outwardly confronting people face-to-face. & you’ll get a peek into my warped mind. & warning, this blog posting will go all to hell as my mind dumps all the fears and emotions my manic mind has been inundated with for weeks. My apologies in advance.
Sometimes I dread opening my email every morning. I never know what is in there- it’s like Pandora’s box or a snake readying to strike. It’s always a mix of spam, notes from friends, fan mail, Wicked Reads stuff, the usual notifications… and then there is the kind that feels like a brick to the face.
I DREAD looking in there. I have so many responsibilities and it’s difficult to get a moment’s peace within my own head, let alone when dealing with everyone in my life. I see the unopened Wicked Reads mail and makes me feel guilty. Wicked Reads is a sideline project. I do that to help connect readers with Independent and Self Published Authors, along with the high profile authors that are in the mainstream. I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing my own work first, but as irrational as it is, I do.
Basically, I feel pressured.
I work… hmm… anywhere between 10-24 hours per day. Yes, I said 24 hours. I have pulled 63 hours of constant writing before passing the hell out. When the muse is firing, I can’t escape, even through sleep. So when I get a few winks and wake refreshed to begin anew… the first thing I do is my responsibilities- check email, respond on Facebook-Goodreads-the Blogs, and then I get to work. The problem with this is, is that it is very demotivational. If I receive hate mail for instance, or anything that feels like pressure, I lose all interest and drive to work.
I’m a lot like the Masters in my books- I HATE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO- HATE IT! *I feel better now* It’s why I am a self-published author, I control my world. I’m so spiteful that if I already planned on doing something and someone pressures me to do it, I WON’T. After years of being reduced to dog shit, I refuse to kowtow to anyone.
I get fan mail and it puts a smile on my face, but inwardly I know that for each fan there are dozens of haters. It is just how it is. I’ve learned to accept this and move on. My skin is very thick. I KNOW my books aren’t for everyone. Many think they are getting a quick, sexy read. I’m not quick and I’m not sexy. We write what we know. I’m dark. I’m sardonic. I’m sarcastic. I’m quiet and moody. I’m friendly when I feel like it. I am an introvert. I like to laugh. I like to make ppl laugh. I’m a control freak. I have OCD. I am emotionally numb on the outside and a stew of feeling on the inside. My books reflect me. They are emotional, dark, twisted, sarcastic, and sometimes not very pleasant. My characters are mix of who I am or who I’d like to be- trait wise. I use writing as an outlet to leak my feelings so I do not implode.
People in general want to be happy. They want to smile. They want a HEA life. They believe in romance and fairytales. They believe that in order to be happy you must have a partner who will make you happy. They believe love is the ultimate happily ever after.
I’m not most people.
I just want to be content doing what feeds my soul. I believe in self-enlightenment. The ultimate HEA is within yourself.
My characters may or may not get hooked up with the love of their life, because I don’t believe in the love of your life. We are individuals and we can’t help but hurt the ones around us. People lie, hurt, betray, and die on us. People make us laugh, smile, feel loved and complete. But we are born alone and we die alone. Yes, I sound morbid. No, you don’t have to agree with me. My philosophy is that you have to be happy with yourself, because that’s the only person you cannot escape.
Within my books: some of my characters get romance, while some get a partner or two or remain alone. Sex may just be sex, or about pain, or release, or pleasure, or an act of connection. My characters are bad and good- not one single one of them is a saint, because we are all sinners. We are all good and bad- selfish and selfless. Human Nature.
My reason for laying that out for all of you is that the hate mail or reviews do get to me. No matter how thick of an emotional skin I shield myself with, it still permeates and stings. On one hand, I feel I shouldn’t have to explain my reasonings. On another, I feel the need to connect with my readers.
I apologize if I sound angry or threatening. If you’ve read my work, you realize I am slightly intimidating, less so in person. When reading something, you can never be sure of the emotion behind it. Today’s emotion: frustration. But this is written with a clear head and an open mind. I’m simply clearing up some misconceptions. If you feel this is directed towards you, don’t. I’ve had at least a dozen comments of some kind on each of the following. I appreciate the notification because it allows to me explain myself.
A few complaints from readers:
#1 complaint from readers and reviewers: NO HEA.
Not true.
Dexter has an HEA.
Dalton has an HEA.
Whitt has an HEA.
Regina has an HEA (how you ask? Within herself)
Every character has went though life altering events and come out of it stronger, resilient, alive. They know what’s in their heart. So does it matter if they run off in the sunset with the sexual partner of their choice? We have people in our lives who feed different needs. Friends to vent to, who offer a shoulder to cry on. Parents who lend unconditional love. Sexual partners who give us release. How is it humanly possible to be all things for another person? The pressure that creates is suffocating. I know, I lived it. You can never be all things to one person- it’s impossible. Am I saying that you need 2-3 partners. No, get your head out of the gutter, this isn’t just about sex. Married couple seek their parents, friends, coworkers for advice and comfort because sometimes you just can’t talk to the ones you love. So that HEA, where the sun sets as they walk down the beach, is just bullshit. A couple is just a couple- a beginning. Outside forces will always make an impact, and if you aren’t strong within yourself, you will HURT your partner. Therefore, HEA, is in you.
Those who don’t agree with what I just wrote, that’s fine. I take no offense. My books just aren’t for you, in the same way many books aren’t for me.
SMUT
When explaining what I write, people stare at me. Like one grandmother asked if my other grandmother knows what I write. No, should it matter? She was clearly judging me, trying to shame me. I don’t write for anyone but myself. I do not feel ashamed about what I write.
I’ve read reviews that say, Ugh, smut! It was nasty! or EROTICA- no! I remember those because I was downrated with a one star for that. You’ve read my work, so you know damned well that they didn’t. I have a lot of these. I’m in the erotica genre because of content- the explicitness- the violence. I have nothing against sex. I love a hot, raunchy read. But do not call my work something it isn’t. I can’t explain what it is. Is it erotica, BDSM, suspense? The only thing I know for sure that it isn’t, is romance. I hold firm to the DARK part of erotica.
I get a lot of wink wink and nudge nudge from people. Like I’m a sexual fiend. If they only knew, huh? I’m a heluva lot more mentally twisted than they imagine- I hold myself back in that area. They see my books and think that I’m amoral or a deviant. Shall I give a very surprising fact about myself? I think I will. The only man who has ever sexually touched me was my ex-husband. I’ve been a very good girl, who’s had very bad things happen to her. It irrevocably changes you. So the snickers and sneers from random strangers or the friends from school who found religion who look at me crosswise, yeah… I’ve never even broke those commandments you’re so fond of. But I bet you have, so don’t judge and I won’t judge you.
My cynical self says, Self, do what you can live with, and forget about the haters!
To each their own- Carpe Diem.
Dom/DommeYes, I write from the dominant perspective. Why, you ask? Um, really? You have to ask that? I’m a control freak. I am a dominant personality. I’ve created a list of rules I abide by on a daily basis. I’ve lived as a reluctant submissive, so I know how it feels. But not really. It was forced on me through emotional warfare. I didn’t accept that position, so I can’t accurately imagine the emotions a real submissive person feels. I can do a Switch because after being emotionally dampened and then finding my way back to my true self, I can imagine how a Switch mentally feels.
The down rating for my work being erotica or not romance or not from the submissive pov is just total bullshit. It’s like me going over to the cookbooks on Goodreads and giving one stars ratings because I don’t read cookbooks. I don’t even downrate the books I read that don’t do it for me. It takes a lot to get me to give a book less than a 3 star. Out of respect, I will 3 star it and say that it wasn’t for me- because it wasn’t. Which is on me, not the author. But in the case of reading my work only to find out it’s from a Dom pov, I put it all out there for the reader. There is a HUGE disclaimer stating what is within the pages. The title of the series is MISTRESS & MASTER of Restraint. So I get angry when I receive a downrating because it is in the dominant perspective. The title says it all. Obviously you will be reading about a dominant personality within my story. If you don’t get that… *bites tongue*
EditingI know the more books I sell, the more likely that I will receive comments about the editing. (EVERY authors gets this, btw. I’m shocked at the number of closet-editors or backseat-editors there are) I take it with good grace. I try not to be offended. I try not to be defensive. Why? Because I know my books need work. I don’t want to explain as if I am making excuses for shoddy work that you are purchasing and reading. That isn’t the case. I WORK my ass off- constantly. It has officially been one year and one week since I became a published author. I could spout about the amount of books I’ve written or the pages, groups, and websites I run, or the day job I have. I won’t.
I am ashamed, and I shouldn’t be. I want to make excuses by comparing my work to others, but I don’t. I compare my books with my books. Restraint’s first edition was bad- laughable bad. Since I issued the second edition, I’ve had so much growth-growth that I will use when re-editing my books. So as it stands, the first few books and as you go up the series, they get better editing wise, but nowhere near where I want or need them to be.
I want to say that when writing, it is IMPOSSIBLE to catch it all. Your mind replaces the words. Look at your Facebook Statuses, and then I want you to tell me I need to fix my work- that is just a few sentences- 50 or so words, not thousands. Everyone misses a word or two out of ten- every single one of us does it. Authors, English teachers, Doctors, students- we are just people who make mistakes. so don’t judge me for 20 out of 120,000. So I can pretend that I’m not offended, but I am. I freely admit this. I DO NOT have an editor. I AM my editor. (I will explain why that angers me in a moment)
I liken the emails and comments about editing to walking up to a chubby girl and saying You’re FAT! Do you honestly believe she doesn’t already knows this? Is there an alternate universe where she thinks she’s a size zero? Do you not believe that she doesn’t own a mirror. Do you believe this makes her a bad person? Honey, do you really need to eat that? What the girl is thinking is, go away, bitch. I have a right to eat. I’ll die without air, water, or food. What the other person is really saying, I own you. I control you. Do as I say or I will make you feel badly about yourself. It’s just a few moments of superiority while the other person cries. It’s all about pushing your will onto another human being.
I make mistakes. I own them and acknowledge them. It doesn’t give you a right to smack me in the face with it and it doesn’t make me a bad writer- just a bad editor. Honestly, I think I’m a damned fine writer and I’m a so-so editor that is improving by leaps and bounds. I’m proud of that. I proud that I’m doing TWO jobs- and many more. Most authors outsource the editing and other aspects of publishing.
Even if the comment in written with no offense, it is still a helpful insult, now isn’t it? I’m not directing this to any person. I’m just letting you know how I feel. I’ve enjoyed the communications that have been born from these inquiries. Some, not so much.
I do not have an editor. I am trying. I will fix it. Time- I just need time. Time heals all wounds- not in writing. Time clears the mind so you see what is actually there, not what the mind overlays. Restraint isn’t perfect, but each book is better than the last. Am I cocky and arrogant? No, I will go back to the beginning when enough time eclipses so it’s not a waste of time to over-edit.
I could be a stubborn bitch, like I want to be. I planned on re-editing and reformatting Restraint after Faithless was released. I planned on re-editing a book in between writing new books. I could do what I love to do, which is a mental fuck you when I go against what you said for spite, even though I already planned on it anyway. But I will be an adult and tell my dominant nature to bend a little bit.
My editor comment. I do plan on getting a reputable editor because I plan on releasing my books in softcover within the next year. I have to bank monies to pay for an editor. If I’m a control freak, then you might as well call me a tight-wad too. Parting with the money that I have worked so hard for will be a challenge.
Money:
I’m not sure readers get this part of the equation. I gave away 4,444 books this last cycle- over 8,ooo since Restraint’s release. I intercept blog web search results daily from ppl looking to pirate my work. I give a lot of books away to readers for review, as gifts, or for the honest person who can’t afford the book but wants to read it.
Restraint was 99 cents for 4 months out of the 12 it’s been released. Meaning I only made 33 cents a copy. I spent thousands of hours writing it, fielding nasty comments, and I get 33 cents for the copies that were obtained legally. So when I get those editor comments, it hurts me. I’d love an editor… you feeling me here?
What I really want to say is that I’d love to afford a quality, professional, thorough editor. But since I can’t, I’m riding a learning curve.
The other books. I have to be competitive with my pricing. I joke around with my buds, but it’s to cover the hurt. If I were to pricepoint my books in correlation with other authors in my genre by wordcount or number of pages- Queen should have been almost $200. Instead I made it $9.99 for the 3 book set. Now, I do not get that 1o bucks. I get 6-something or 3-something depending on the territory it was purchased. Now you must factor in the pirates who read Queen, or the books that are lent. You can purchase a copy from Amazon and then lend one to a friend for a certain amount of time. I do not get paid for that, either.
Restraint is in the Amazon program so you can borrow it with your prime membership. I do not get full price for that either.
Then there are the nasties that play the return game. They purchase my books one after the other, read, return, read, return. They feel since they aren’t keeping the ‘physical’ book that it isn’t a crime. I don’t get paid for the story they read either. Don’t get any ideas. But I look at my sales report and watch it get an additional return- Restraint-Unleashed-Dexter-Dalton-Jaded-Queened-Checkmate-*Queen*-KING. One right after the other within days. This happens several times per month- the entire series, minus a few Restraint returns.
Now, I understand returning Restraint if it isn’t for you, but you do have the sample option. You sample, see if it’s to your liking, and then either buy or don’t. What I don’t understand is returning any of the books past Unleashed. It is obvious it was a read/return issue and it is a crime. You can’t buy a book from a retailer, take it home, read it, and then return it. By book 4, or hell, book 8, you know my writing style, my voice, the story. You won’t be returning a book unless you accidentally hit the one-click or you are cheating.
Then I read books that are by huge publishers. They are riddled with grammar errors, misspelling, plot holes I can fill a story with, or no story at all. I read a book by a New York Times bestselling author a week ago and I was incensed- seething. It was rushed. No editing. No commas. Like 3 pages without a comma. I had to reread sections or even pages to make heads or tails. Common mistakes that anyone wouldn’t miss. Not twenty mistakes- HUNDREDS! This book had an editor. This book had a publisher. This book cost 3 times as much as my own. This book had no story. Whether the end or the beginning nothing changed. This infuriates me.
So when I get comments about editing. I UNDERSTAND. I’m trying my fucking best! I don’t have a support staff. I don’t have a publisher, an editor, an agent, illustrator, web designer, computer programer, or publicists. I do all those jobs by myself!
But what I do have is integrity, a drive to perfect my craft, and I will fix it until it is as good as it will ever get. Just give me the time to grow and learn. I really am trying my best.
So I wanted to break something when I read that book. Not directed at the author. Those ppl I don’t have, didn’t do their JOB, and then they published a book to bilk the readers out of their hard-earned money. This book has thousands of 5 star reviews & I get a one star because of my genre. Give me a fucking break!
So yes, this posting has taken a turn to the bitch-zone. I’m TIRED! I feel exposed, raw.
The title of this blog post is: Bitch-slaps through the Laptop screen. My laptop is my office. How would you feel if a stranger came into your home or office and told you that you weren’t doing your job? Mind you, they don’t do or understand your profession. I know that being an author gives people the feeling that you are public, that they have a right to insult or chastise or tell you what to do or what they want.
I am a human being. I make mistakes. Every day I wake up to go to work, only my job requires an intense concentration- a concentration that is as fragile as glass. So as I work, these fists come through my laptop screen and punch me in the face or shake me. Voices screaming into my face that they want this or that from me.
Demands!
Now at your office, your boss would be wicked pissed if you were writing a report and a dozen randoms walked into your office and started punching and screaming at you. How would that be for productivity? My boss is very angry, and her name is Erica.
This feeling of being public domain helps as much as it hurts. I’ve been manic lately- ill at ease. While some interactions are uncomfortable, others inspire or comfort me- even the nudge nudge wink wink or the helpful insult. It is the manner in which the message is intercepted or the mood I am in.
Two night ago, a group of ladies inspired me. I was dealing with the worst case of writer’s block I’d ever suffered. Five minutes of their time revitalized me. In less than 48 hours I wrote 30,000 words- that is more than some books people publish. I am thankful for this type of interaction, it is what feeds my need to create- while one saps energy from me, the other refuels me.
This is why I hate reading my emails, msgs, and comments. 3 hours have passed and I haven’t worked. I’ve bitched and vented. I’ve stuck my foot into my mouth and alienated people. But as I’ve said, I wake with an energy to write and one simple helpful insult derails the day. Even if it isn’t about my writing. Wicked Reads needs this or that. This group or page or blog needs attention. My home, family, and job need attention. I have to be other people’s shoulders to cry on or their rock of support.
Such is life.
But the life of a working writer is difficult to balance. We don’t go to an office and shut the door. There is no 9-5 where ppl know to leave you alone. It’s always, you got a minute? Can you do this for me? Can I ask a favor? Just one more thing? and then your days is gone, your creativity is sapped, and no words were written on a page. You are left feeling angry and repressed while those around you needs have been met, but not yours- never yours.
As you can see, Syn and I are in perfect symmetry. I will have no issue writing our petite sadist.
I have one more addition. Faithless will be over 1000 pages in length. I am warning you, not because this is an issue. I am simply saying it will be $9.99. That sounds expensive. But many popular, indie or self published reads are only 30 pages and marked at a $4.99 pricepoint. This is a difficult position for me. I could have split the book into 3 and sold it separately. But I want my fans to read my books at a reasonable price with a heluva lot of content and story.
That was my sad joke: As I get ripped for editing, genre, HEA, or a myrid of things, Faithless should be priced at $166.00. Now, who is getting ripped off here: the reader who had to read the wrong tense, or the writer who is dodging potshots and written insults while trying to stay centered enough to create something from nothing?
Be kind. Be respectful. Be content. And do what you love. Peace out!
WIP changes
Today has been a busy day. I created a giveaway for Wicked Reads reaching a goal of 2000 fans. Scroll down a post and enter as of Midnight. I tweaked, fixed some formatting issues, and reworded the epilogue of KING. Those who already have a copy, it’s worded slightly different, but still the same, story-wise. KING has been uploaded to B&N and Amazon. Within the next 12-48 hours it will be available for purchase. I’ll give a shout out when it’s live, and update the purchase links in the M&M of Restraint tab. I’ve also rearranged some things on this website, updated info and such. Lastly, updated Goodreads.
Now to the meat of this blog posting. What’s Erica up to lately.
I’ve been on the fence over quite a few things- disquiet- twitchy. KING was completed weeks ago. I had fixed the beta edits and reread the thing 7 times over. But I still didn’t publish. I wanted to do a scene that was needed, but not from Daniel’s POV. I decided on a epilogue. Here is one of my biggest issues. Faithless was going to be an info-dump book. For those of you who don’t know what that means, you’re inundated with a shit-load of info. I hate that. So KING’s epilogue is a two-for-one. Ezra narrates the epilogue and he dumps a ton of information that will help while reading the future books. In fact, I let so much info out that it is confusing. But who better to confuse you then our insane Dr. Lunatic? I think I will include this epilogue in the future books it impacts. Part two of the two-for-one epilogue, who doesn’t want to see Ez get his groove on? Hmm… he was so lonely, too. 😉
Warning: KING’s sex scenes are 90% gay, with only 1 straight scene and 1 bi scene. But if you didn’t know Daniel Whittenhower II was gay by now…. & frankly, I hope I broaden your horizons. Love is love, sex is sex, it shouldn’t matter who you’re with.
Back to my disquiet twitchiness… Something was just off. Widow is calling to me. “Hey, we’re over here. Click us and write!” I’m not feeling particularly romancy right now. Faithless was screaming, “Deadline! Deadline! Deadline.” & I was muttering to myself, “I don’t want to write you right now, stfu! Cort and I need to mind-meld for awhile.” I mean, who the hell wouldn’t want to converse with Cort?
My issue, King isn’t a new beginning, just a turning point. Queen’s books and Dalton closed out a mindset of the series. Using the word story-arc isn’t correct. King is just an introduction, a buffer between Dalton/Checkmate and Faithless. Just as how the story progressed timeline-wise with Jaded, Queened, Restraint/Unleashed/Dexter/Dalton/Checkmate, King bridges the gap of Faithless/The Hunter/Silence.
I have to write those three books at the same time. None of them can be released before the first draft of the next is completed. The current time, there is only a two-day gap between books, backstory not included. Silence will be as KING is, a change.
I will explain without too much detail.
Faithless: Faith Simpson as a fifteen-year-old thru the present day Syn. We see how her life brought her to the here and now. Her friendship with the Ezes and her entanglement with Wil. Syn’s book ends an hour after KING does. Daniel goes looking for Syn after the last line of chapter thirty-seven of KING. Final Chapter of Faithless, and then KING’s epilogue begins. So yeah… this is a difficult puzzle I’ve created.
The Hunter: Cortez Abernathy. The prologue is of a twelve-year-old Cort running through the woods playing with Ez. Chapter One, he awakes from his memory, a seventeen-year-old young man thrust into a nightmare. We experience that time frame in graphic detail. The King epilogue flows to the ending of The Hunter. Ez has some explaining to do.
Silence: Grant Whittenhower. He wants to tell you why he did the things he’s done. Since he no longer has a voice to call his own, he’s going to write about it. The Epilogue brings hell down on him. I only have a small bit of his book outlined, seeing as it’s books away. But about a third into the story, we progress into the present. Meaning, what happens in the epilogue, the rest of the book is the aftermath.
After that: No clue. Truly toying between Niel and Wil. I can’t say how much life is left in the series. But I can tell you, Marcus or Ezra will be the final book. Whoever isn’t last, comes just before. We have many characters before that. Whether novellas, shorts, or full-length novels. I didn’t create these character for them to fade into the aether without telling their story.
What this means for the Playroom series: It’s on hold until Silence is complete. It could be fall or closer to 2014. I don’t know. I do know that I will not write M&M book 12 until book 4 of the Playroom is published. As I said, Silenced is a turning point for M&M. I don’t know where I want to go from there. However, I do know where I want to go with the Playroom. I don’t foresee more than 6 or so books in this series. No side characters will be written about. I love the story. I just feel that the core group needs its due. This is how I see it. Obviously, I’ve been known to change my mind. *snickers* but in this case, it’s always been a solid vision. This is my HEA series. Good Girl ended as it did because Willow wasn’t ready yet…
*The names next to the title don’t denote a couple. Just narrators.*
Good Girl: Willow
Widow: Malcolm Mason, Clover Webster
Wayward: Isis Mason, Robin Prynne, Augustus Kline
4: Willow Prynne, Devon Mason, Kieren Mason
5: 1 of the Mason boys from book 4 & his sister Raven will share the narration of this book
6: Weston Mason, Seth Webster.
That’s all folks!
The completion of the Playroom will allow me to write anew. Either I will work on the two paranormal/fantasy series I’ve created or think of something fresh and original. I will only ever do 2 projects at a time. I already feel like Ezra most days. I can’t do 3 or 4 series at once.
When will what be done by when?
Guesstimates are highly tentative.
Faithless: May
The Hunter: July
Silence: August/September
Widow: September (75% written already)
Wayward & book 4: December-ish
My 2014 will be new, because I haven’t nary a clue on what I’m going to write. And yes, I get that today is April 1st. I might be creative, but my logical mind needs structure. So I’m all scheduled up for the next 8 months!
Off to ruin a trio of boys and a girl jogging along a wooded path. Told ya, not feeling romantic at the moment!
WIP: Widow/KING/Wayward
This is a quick Work in progress update since a large amount of readers have flocked to my blog wondering when KING will be released.
I’m halfway through Widow. Widow has a cover and a final outline. I guesstimate 3 weeks of writing time, a few weeks of beta reads, and a late March release.
I’d wanted to be a rockstar and have KING or Wayward released by the year anniversary of Restraint, April 24th. That would have put me at 11 full-length novels published within a year’s time. I’ll stick with 10. 10 books, almost 750,000 words is good enough of an accomplishment. I’m not going to rush my work. This was one of my resolutions.
While Widow is hanging out with my girls, being read, edited, & critiqued, I’m writing up a rough outline for Wayward. Wayward is the 3rd novel in the Playroom series featuring the point of views of Augustus Kline, Robin Prynne, & Isis Mason. I have a general idea of what needs written and a firm vision of the book cover. I already have the Untitled 4th book in the Playroom series spinning in my mind, it will be in the pov of our Willow-Monster/Good girl, our wounded Officer Devon Mason, and our stud/f*ckface- Kieren Mason.
KING! There will be KING! Whitt will have his chance at a happily ever after. I begin writing KING sometime mid-March. I need to reiterate- KING isn’t the Final book in the M&M of Restraint series. I’ve seen countless reviews stating they are waiting for the final book in the series and countless search terms directing readers to my site asking when KING or when the final book is released. There will be many, many more books in this series. I created a large universe with many characters that need their chance to express their stories and I won’t finish until every last one of them has spoken.
KING is a transition for the series and I’m on the fence of what direction I want to go. The book is the foundation of the rest of the series and it’s pivotal that I create a solid base- a base that Restraint wasn’t.
The Playroom, however, will be less than a 10 book series. The main characters surrounding the Webster/Mason union will have a book, but the supporting cast of characters will not. It’s doubtful I will change my mind on this.
Search terms are a handy tool. It allows me to know what brings viewers to my website. I will say that there are a few of you naughty, naughty bad monsters looking for free reads. A lot of read ‘Erica Chilson PDF free’ has popped up recently. Firstly, I’ve never published my work in PDF- mobi & epub only. Secondly, if you would like a copy, please contact me. I will refer you to my giveaways or I may feel charitable and email you a copy. Please do not try to pirate my work- it’s naughty!
Another viewer was searching for more info on Katya/Cortez/Ezra. Katya may or may not receive another chance to voice her thoughts. It’s doubtful at this point. She may or may not have a POV in future books. Cortez & Ezra will each get their own books. They have a huge backstory to tell. In fact, Cortez’s book will be after KING. I’ve written a large portion of it already.
Here is how my future endeavors look:
Widow (March)
KING (May/June)
Wayward (Summer)
Cortez (Late summer/early fall)
Untitled Playroom #4 (Fall/Winter)
That is firm. It’s up in the air after that, especially since it will be nearly a year from now before I finish off that list. I’m not sure who will get to be in the next M&M book. Perhaps, Syn. Playroom #5 will be one of the characters from #4.
If you’d like more info, comment on this posting or shoot me an email: thewickedwriter@yahoo.com
Off to fill out my jury duty questionnaire, answer some correspondence, make dinner, and hopefully read something while watching Homeland.
I’ll be back to my Wicked Writing ways next week!!!
~Happy Wicked Reading~
Erica
Hibernating- Erica, the snarly bear
This is a combination venting post about the perils of the internet, my never-ending day job, and my shortcomings.
A strong need to hibernate has taken hold of me. Do you ever feel like everyone and everything is slowly leaching away your soul? I get like this from time to time. I have so many balls in the air that I’m waiting for them to drop onto my face and break my nose.
It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve written & a week since I’ve been in the land of technology. My laptop greeted me moments ago like an eager puppy waiting for its master. A fierce anxiety overcame me as I logged on today. You have no idea how much time you spend on the internet until you step back for a few days. I’m not addicted by any means. The hiatus made me realize that it felt like a job- a constant job. As I sat in my healing hibernation I felt as if I had something I needed to do. This overwhelming sense that I was forgetting my duties has plagued me for the past week.
It made me realize that my job isn’t keeping up with all of these pages and the people that frequent them. I have other jobs that I perform on a daily basis. The trill of my cell phone, tethering me to a constant barrage of potential tenants, is driving me insane. Between emails, notifications from all of my websites, and that heinous ringtone that rings when people without common decency call after 10 p.m. & before 7 a.m., I’m going batshit. Something has to give. I stepped away from the internet.
Even now, my cell is making a konking sound ever time I get a new notification on Facebook, whether it’s my personal page or the varying pages & group I run. I want to scream. I bet it’s made that noise 10 times in the past 2 minutes. Oh, lookie there, a bell tone for the email alert! Yes, I could silence the dang thing, but I have calls I have to receive & tenant applications being sent to me via email.
Back in January I had county Jury Duty hanging over my head. No big deal since it was 30 minutes from my home & It was only the one time. I was in the middle of a 4 book release & the holidays since I was notified around Thanksgiving that I had this hanging over my head. Always in the back of my mind when I had so very much to do, and all at once. I had a reprieve that allowed me to take a huge gulp of air- allowed me to get all that I had to do, accomplished.
Guess what the mailman delivered today? Any takers?
A Middle Court Jury Duty summons!! Yup, we aren’t talking a one-time shot. Nope, a month-long, all of April, on-call duty to the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Here is 40 bucks if you are called upon. But hey, enjoy three hours a day gone to sucking the gas from your tank. Hmm… I’ll be in the hole after that 40 bucks is spent at Kwikfill. Not to mention the fact that I won’t be working while I do this, which will put me behind schedule and in the hole even farther.
Here’s the real great thing. My parents are pissed at me.
One thing that I am highly ashamed of is the fact that I don’t drive. I have the ability & know how. I hate it with a passion. I’ll be truthful. It’s an illogical fear, but what fear is ever logical. So here is the thing. If I can’t somehow manage to get out of this shit, my parents will have to pick up for my failings- again. Guilt, shame, and disgust are filling me at the moment- all directed at yours truly.
I get to fret over this until April & then I get to fret over it every Friday as I call in for duty, hoping like hell I get the reprieve I’m looking for. I get to feel like shit if I am called in and my parents have to pick up for my shortcomings. It makes me feel out of control & anyone who’s read my writing knows what a bitter pill that is for me to swallow.
I am in hibernating mode trying to get this anxiety under control & this was dropped into my lap earlier today. So as those notifications keep clicking on my cell & the browser is flashing, I want to scream. Oh, ring-ring, the trill of my phone is yanking my leash!
I’m back- another dead-end, going nowhere conversation that I have to hold with total strangers who think that I need to converse past- you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me! Back again. Telemarketer this time on the home phone. Anyway, professional conversations are great, it’s the ones that chat with me like I’m their long-lost buddy, bleeding ten, fifteen, minutes increments of my life away. Once or twice a day would be great. It’s the days when it’s 20 or more- before you know it, 3 hours of your life is gone that you will never get back as you struggle to deal with all the sordid tales you had to ingest.
I know I’m a bitch. I get it. Hence the hibernation. But until you have a cell to your ear listening to one person’s life history while your home phone is ringing, your laptop is tinging from messenger, a person is talking to you in the living room, and the cat has lost its ever loving mind thinking it’s din-din and yowling, don’t call me a bitch.
Then it’s the showing days where you wait for hours and no one shows up. The special cases that couldn’t make it to the appointed time and you meet them off your schedule… and they stand you up. I love the ones that call me days later pretending that we never had an appointment. Photographic memory remembers your number and she unleashes the bitch-Monster by politely informing you that if you miss an appointment without calling to cancel that you aren’t responsible enough to live on your own.
I will say something that will anger a huge population and I’m going to say it anyway. One of the apartments I’m showing is high-end: 4 bed, 2 bath, 2 living spaces. I’ve had people call who are on assistance that have one child or are single (meaning once person in this apartment) and want the great state of New York to pay for this apartment. It is great for a family with two or three kids. I don’t think it would be fair to saddle the state when you only need a two bedroom at most. It’s not about the assistance, it’s that why should you get to live somewhere that far above your means, space-wise. I sleep in a 9X11 bedroom <- that’s all the personal space I get. You don’t need four bedrooms for just yourself, if you’re not paying for yourself. *gets off soapbox* This is wearing on me, hearing these lifestories that people regale me with like I’m a bartender at a cry-in-your-beer dive. This is why I can’t write. This is why the internet is throbbing like a sore tooth for me.
My whole being feels like a throbbing tooth. I’m on the verge of screaming. The phone calls, the showings, the stress of yet another f*cking jury duty summons, the constant barrage of news my father listens to that makes me feel like Armageddon is upon us, and life and its struggles are getting to me.
I just want to scream, ‘Shut the f*ck up!‘ In fact, I’ve had my characters do just that for me in the past. Regina got to scream that very phrase. If only I had preternatural abilities, ‘cuz that huge tv would be blown up via my mind the instant it’s turned on.
I need to write to have my release, but I can’t since I need total peace and quiet or screaming music. I can’t have either since I have to listen for the trill of the cell. I also need concentration. The way I’m living right now is constant, chaotic interruptions of the every thirty seconds kind- like the took a bath and have 3 voicemails kind- like the asshole who called me at 10:30 night and it was a mild-mannered girl or the dude who called at a quarter of 7 in the morning. Where were these people raised? I have a rule that I live by: unless it’s an emergency, don’t call before 9 a.m. or after 8 p.m. I don’t know you, why are you calling me when I’m in bed like a dang bootie-call? It was an instant automatic no on them. I didn’t give them appointment. I have horror stories of these tenants at 4 a.m. telling me the garbage man didn’t take their garbage or the doorbell doesn’t work. I shit you not!
I’ve hibernated as a means of distraction since I can’t write. I’ve been watching all the television shows I’ve missed in the past year: Shameless, Homeland, Breaking Bad, Dexter… waiting on the final season of Weeds. I’ve been reading like a crazy person as well. I need to find an inner-calm to drown out the feeling that I have 50 infants suckling at my teats.
I’m in reread mode. The comfort of the familiar. I’ve already read it before so I know what to expect. It’s just enough to keep me entertained while half watching tv at the same time. I can’t be committed to even reading new material because of the interruptions. My job isn’t 9-5, it’s whenever the hell anyone feels like bothering me. I can’t wait for this ride to be over & I hope that all 14 units are filled and happy for at least a year after this, with no failing water heaters or blown out pilot lights.
…. An hour later with multiple interruptions of chaos…. The ‘rents are home from work & brought me all the new applications. After hearing multiple, ‘Tell them to f*ck off or to drag your ass to jury duty,’ via my father because he doesn’t want inconvenienced. That scream is firmly lodged deep in my throat. Hopefully my ailing 93 year old Grandmother, who needs constant care-taking, will be a viable excuse to get out of duty. I’d do anything to avoid the rest of my father’s pissed off wrath.
Deep breath while Daddy-o is sucked back into the news that is argumentatively belting in its HD glory, & a huge need to find a one bedroom hovel and hide out for the rest of my days… A girl can dream of a quiet, chaotic-free future.
After reading through the rental applications… One lucky thing in my favor… I believe the huge apartment has found its new family. *Cheers* *Pops Cork on the Champagne* *Breathes deeply*
I found something interesting. I read on my laptop and on my cell all the time. My reread brought me back to my bookshelves. I realized something. When I read on my laptop: the email, Facebook, and messenger is right there, interrupting me more thoroughly than my cell phone. When reading on my cell the same issues impact me. I hadn’t realized how much I was missing out on until I was yanked into a paperback that couldn’t notify me every thirty seconds. No sounds, no flashing browsers, no pop-ups from sugarsync or messenger, no notifications scrolling across the top of my cell. Just me, the story, and a book in my hand. There is a huge disconnect with ebooks. I read them constantly, hell, I write them, but the ability to connect is in direct correlation to the interruptions of the internet.
This has brought me to two decisions: I will publish my works in paper & I am going to limit my time on the internet. When I return to writing in a few days, I’m turning off the notifications that interrupt me. I will be limiting my interactions on various sites. I need this to concentrate on my work, on my future of chaotic-free-ness. I will miss those friends I’ve made. I will still reply to comments, messages, and emails, but not immediately. I will limit myself to my pages a few times per week. I feel guilty over this, but I need control over my life- some form, any form, of control.
Facebook isn’t my job- Goodreads isn’t my job. My websites are my job, but not my FB pages and groups. My job is writing and fostering an environment that feeds the muse. My job is being a daughter to my parents and doing all the chores that entails, be it ignoring AI as some chick sings poorly, grating on my nerves, or dealing with vacant apartments. Something has to give when I’m torn into a thousand different directions & that something is the one that doesn’t pay my bills or put a roof over my head.
I’d apologize for my snarly bear routine, but I won’t. This is just another facet of me. Proof that all authors are humans. I remember reading status updates and blog posting of my favorite authors and being in awe of all amazing things they performed. I would rather tell my readers the truth. I am just like you, struggling through life looking for my own path.
My personality is quiet, contemplative. I am easy to laugh and difficult to anger. But my Kryptonite, my Achilles heel, is chaos & noise. It makes me feel like a wounded animal. I want to hide and lash out when someone gets too close. Today is one of those days & I fear it will continue to be that way until I can get a moments’ peace inside my own mind since the life around me is never calm.
This is my way of saying that if you’d like to chat with me via FB, GR, email, or via the websites it may be a few days before I respond. It’s not that I don’t value our conversations, it’s that I want to come to you when I’m in a pleasant mood.
Hell, in the past few minutes I’ve answered 3 more calls & a few, ‘Hey, can you do this for me?’ while listening to Nicki Minaj’s atrocious voice. I’ve called and confirmed our new tenant and tried to call back an applicant, whose phone has been shut off. Boy, that is a huge indicator, right there.
A few more weeks of this North Eastern weather and I can run outside to serenity.
I may run and never look back…
Happily Single on Valentine’s Day
This post has absolutely nothing to do with writing, or maybe it has everything to do with writing…. These thoughts and feelings fuel my emotions- emotions that fill me with words until they overflow into novels. If you look closely, you’ll see me in every word I write. Every character has a facet of my being, and every storyline is either something I wish to happen or fear will happen or have had happen.
Family and friends look at me sideways when I tell them the genre I write in. Here is this former housewife, slightly chubby and quiet to the extreme, that writes erotica- primarily erotica that is very dark. A lot of Huh? looks are tossed my way. I don’t exactly exude sex and torture. It is the control, the boundaries, the rules, that appeal to this girl. I write strong, flawed characters because I am one.
The big day of love begins in a few short hours. Lovers everywhere scramble to show their significant other how much they care or want them. Then there are the singles who feel pressure because they are alone as they sniffle over their cartons of ice cream. I am on the opposite extreme. This realist, who doesn’t have a romantic bone in her body(maybe it bled out of me with my naivete & innocence & my faith) finds the entire premise to be total bullshit. I hear the sighs and whispered Bitter bitch coming from you all. It’s not that. I’m not bitter at all- cautious. I find it to be phony, fake, a scam that we pull on the ones we are trying to attract. Why not show your lover you love them every day or on a day of little importance?
I will not join my brethren this year. I haven’t for many years, especially when I was a coupled person. I embrace my singledom with a grin on my face. I was thinking today of how much I love my parents. I love the fact that tomorrow night I will be sitting with the two people who love me unconditionally as we do the dorky shit. There is no pretense with us. I have no image to project. We’re going to sit on our asses and watch Shameless or whatever is on the dvr. I may read a book while Mom surfs the net and Dad watches reruns of old westerns- later on I’ll be asked if I want a Popsicle. But we love each other, and I’m okay with this. I will never have to question motives or emotions- their love is infinite.
See… this girl remembers what the pressure felt like. It is a pressure I would do anything in the entire world to avoid.
Today I was reminiscing about Valentine’s Day growing up. I remember the mailboxes we would decorate (loved crafting those ugly creations). You would get cards and over-analyze if a boy liked you. It was sweet and innocent and nice. High School was fun, too. We had these construction paper lips with our names on them that we attached to our shirts. If someone of the opposite sex got you to talk they took your lips. I loved filling my chest with all of those lips. Hahaha, no, *totally shaking my head right now* I wasn’t a player. It took a lot of work earning my lips back, & I am competitive, so I kept the spoils of war. We also had roses. You could buy someone a rose and have them delivered to them throughout the day.
My first real Valentine’s Day should have been a tip-off of how my life was going to progress. Senior year I received a rose, wasn’t my first, but most important. He poofed on me- disappeared- left the school. He was my boyfriend off and on since sixth grade. We were on- on for a very long time. I found out later that he left to arrange a party at his house, one I wasn’t invited to. The rose someone else bought when he bummed the money off of them. It was a distraction so that I didn’t know he was partying without me(not the last time either). I will never forget the look of horror and pity on my English teacher’s face when he overheard this sordid tale…. Hell, if that didn’t start the downward spiral of disrespect that I rode for the next decade and a half, I don’t know what did. Btw, each Valentine’s day was progressively worse after that one.
No, not bitter- realistic. Now I face a new challenge. I don’t know if the unconditional embrace of my parents or the horrors of the past keep me from seeking the attention of the opposite sex. My parents have to love me. They shelter me, feed me, hug me, and tell me they love me. They support me in all that I do. They truly want the best for me. What man could compete with that? They have to love me because they created me and I feel the same way about them. It’s not an umbilical cord sort of issue. I wouldn’t bawl and scream if I moved out. I’d miss the hell out of them, but I’d lived apart from them for 13 years. It’s not the safety of their warm embrace, it’s the imprint of pain on my soul.
I loved someone once, with every fiber of my being. No, I don’t love them now. I harbor no ill will or need to see them, hear from them, speak to them, or even hear their name. I no longer feel the anger or pain when someone mentions their name. I’m proud to say that sometimes I don’t even register that they’re being spoken about. But the memories remain the same. No matter how deep I bury those f*ckers, something triggers them- hence the Valentine’s memory today.
The painful imprint is this. I’ve been thinking of this lately- a lot. When you form a union with someone it is permanent yet not. The first time I broke up with my husband I was blindsided, tossed from my home with the clothes on my back and a bye-bye, don’t come back! I realized the comfort would never be there for me again. The union is false. With one word from him, the life as I knew it crumbled. My home was no longer my home, my nieces and nephews no longer mine. The family I called the other half of my life was no longer mine, either. That family was in my life from the time I was twelve years old. Those kids I knew in utero. Doesn’t matter- they aren’t my blood- I was an invited guest into their family, and the moment he didn’t want me there, I was gone from their lives.
The security was breached. My outlook on life was skewed. I went back, fool that I was. It was the ultimate closure. I was in a home that wasn’t mine, no matter what the deed said. It didn’t matter that I helped pay for the home, cleaned it, refurbished it, or lived in it. It didn’t matter that the items in the home were bought by me or for me as a gift. They were his the moment I vacated, and he didn’t hesitate for a moment to tell me this.
Just try to image this feeling. You’re on your sofa right now, comfy and secure. The sofa you researched online, the sofa you helped pick out at the store, helped arrange when it was delivered, helped pay for, cleaned, and rested on. Now imagine that it’s not really yours at all. It’s theirs. Now imagine this feeling for every item inside and out of your home, and the home itself. And your partner- he/she isn’t yours either. Because a union needs both parties to be in agreement. Imagine being told this day in and day out. Now imagine how you felt when your partner told you he f*cked someone on that sofa… and he told you this as you sat on it, as he wore a sadistic grin of spiteful pleasure.
Now imagine the pleasure you felt as you showed no true reaction- no tears, no screams of outrage, no cracks in your perfectly constructed emotional facade.
This is truth and a euphemism all in one. He f*cked all over my life while I lived it.
When I left for good, it was on my terms. It was my decision. The powerlessness was gone, even in the face of losing everything that I’d called my own from the time I was 18. I promised myself that everything of mine was mine from that moment on. If it was a gift or bought by me, I was gripping onto it with the tips of my fingernails. I know that rightfully that was my home, those were my belongings, but I wanted nothing that was tainted with the imprint of the emotions and memories, or of HIM!
I will never be powerless again. I embrace my parents’ warmth for this reason. It is without demand and expectation. It is endless. They don’t give a shit what I say or do as long as I respect them and myself. I don’t think I can give myself over to another person. It’s like handling a live grenade while they keep the pin. I don’t know if I can be with someone that can physically hurt me from our size difference. At 5’1″, I know they will be bigger than me. I don’t know if I can trust someone who has the mental fortitude to destroy me or the mental capacity to harm my emotions. I’ve already lived through every abuse there is. I’m no victim, but I’m not a stupid shit, either. Na-uh!
I’m not writing this as a horror story or cautionary tale. It is reality. At any given time, your Valentine can just say bye-bye! Poof goes your home, life as you knew it, friends that you believed were yours, and the family you were a part of. Now why the hell would I put myself through that again? I was a fool once. This chick is smart- no repeat offender, here! I hear the rumbles of finding true love and all that bullshit that we surround ourselves with as a false security blanket. Hell, those fabulous parents I speak of, they have been together since they were 14-15, had two kids, and have been married for 39 years this June. I’ve had a great example to follow and I still refuse to buy into the blind faith of another human being.
I just want real! I want someone who shows me every day that I matter. Not tosses me a card out of duty and the next day calls me a bitch and roughs me up. Nothing says I love you like being demeaned to the level of a wild animal. Oh, but here is some fake sentiment!
This chick is happy that she doesn’t have a Valentine to manipulate and twist her emotions. I won’t be sitting with a carton of ice cream woe-is-me-ing into a tissue. I’ll be sitting in my chair grinning at Shameless with my folks- now that is unconditional love at its finest!
Lady Smut: Erica Chilson Q&A
Lady Smut was kind enough to offer me a Q&A. My first (heart flutters).
How about a backstory, since I’m a wordy kind of girly. & a bunch of rambling (you should expect that from me by now)
I have worked nonstop for the past nine months. I don’t mean a job where you can leave your work at the office. I’m talking of every moment of you life is centered on one thing- the story. My imagination was playing out constantly: awake, asleep, during a movie, and while reading a book. My characters just wouldn’t shut the hell up. I could be holding a conversation, but my creations were loudest.
I liken being a writer to being crazy. I have countless characters chatting it up inside my head at any given moment. Sometimes they overlap from one series to the next. The majority are respectful and fade to the shadows, so the spotlight may fall upon the ones being brought to life. There isn’t much a writer can do to shut off the insanity.
Two forms of relief: Writing, spilling the words from my fingertips until my hands cramp and my eyes sting. The ache, the sleeplessness, and the hunger for sustenance & human communication scream from your well-being. Reading, I read as relief. It is a balm to my tattered mind. I immerse myself in the imagination of another. It recharges the creative process and allows new words to flow. I’m able to quiet the voice in my mind while reading a book.
5 book releases in one month’s time- almost 500k words. The writing, editing, publishing, promoting, hops & giveaways smack dab in the middle of Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Years. I’d just pressed publish on Good Girl. I promised myself a few weeks to recharge. I spent a day watching endless amounts of television. I couldn’t concentrate. 3 characters were spinning threads of stories and weaving them into plot outlines. It was insanity. I grabbed my cell and headed for a bubble bath. Hot sudsy water and a Kindle app here I come…. I was immersed, chaotic voices long forgotten- BAM! You’ve got to be freakin’ kidding me!! Seriously? Book 10? 15? in the DNF pile.
By the time I’d dried off and growled my way back to my laptop, a blog post had formed inside my head. I was pissed. The posting was an outlet, a release of all the shit I was filled with. It wasn’t even the book’s fault, but I used it as my target. Saccharine Romances: why I find them annoyingly frustrating was created for comedic relief. I was quoting parts to my mom as I wrote it. She may have rolled her eyes at me and she looked vaguely confused.
I’d unleashed the bitch I keep firmly in check. She has the propensity to be sarcastic- people either love her or hate her, & no one understands her. Her name is Erica-Monster (Good Girl readers will understand) She slipped her leash.
When I was finished, I felt better… a lot better. I knew that I would piss off just as many as I entertained. It wasn’t about the readers, it was about me. A lot of people read it- a surprising number, in fact. Which meant I’d entertained and rubbed a wide variety of people the wrong way. I’ve heard from both. Ugh… that was a stressful day. I received some pats on the back, a few nasty comments, and I’d hurt a person’s feelings (I apologized & I still feel badly about that. The monster didn’t mean to, she is a nice person, just misunderstood like an alpha male). I was a mess- stressed the F*ck out with a capital F!
Highlight of the stress: ladysmut.com offered me a Q&A. Awesome sauce. I was a bit stressed out on that, too. I mean, I couldn’t very well let her slip her leash again. She might offend a large section of the populous. I let her out a tiny bit…
Madeline Iva did a beautiful job creating a flowing conversation with the Q&A. I’d love to personally thank her for the posting. If you’d like to read it, head over to ladysmut.com
Did I get that two week recharge? Nope. Nope, I sure didn’t. In the 8 days since Good Girl’s release, Widow is well on its way to being a book. 48,000 words written (14 chapters) from the dual perspectives of Clover and Malcolm. With my lovely sister’s help, it even has a final cover. & to prove that I am not a cold-hearted Erica-Monster, Widow is a HEA book for the main protagonists. It was planned all along since my characters are nearing mid-life and they’ve lived their trials though their backstory. Hopefully readers will see the softer side of me.
Widow’s first draft is nowhere near completion. I predict a March release. My target length is 120-150k since this is the only book those character will voice.
On a happy note: I’m rereading the BDB- the WARDen (Bathtub time) for a read-along with my buds at Wicked Reads on Goodreads. I’m skimming like a little bitch since it’s my 7th or 8th time thru, but I’m enjoying the comfort of repetition. I’m also watching season 6 of Dexter. That show makes me tuck the laptop away and I get sucked into the television. How that man goes from geek to badass in a heartbeat is beyond me. Amazing actor- amazing. I’m also arranging a huge giveaway on FB for Valentines Day. Vampire Valentines that Bite! Wicked Reads (Amber & I) is pooling all the vampire related swag and a few items I’m picking up for the lovey dovey day and posting a pic. Just click like on the pic and post a comment to be entered. I should have the picture up on February 7th (Waiting on a shipment from FL-PA of the swag) Be on the lookout!
Off to write Widow… & rub the crap outta my aching hands!
~Happy Wicked Reading~
-Erica
A flash of insight
The past six days since Good Girl’s release, I’ve been a very busy girl. I dreamed of a break, but if the muse is firing stories into your imagination, ya better grab it and run. She’s rather demanding at the moment, but we’re getting along just fine. One of these days I’ll name her, but for now I’ll just call her muse. She thinks she’s too important to have a simple name. I think she might be satisfied if I have Kieren Mason name her. He is, after all, my nicknamer.
Widow is well on its way to becoming a book. Five days into writing I have a rough outline created, almost 30,000 words of story written, and a book cover. I’ll release the cover and synopsis when the first draft is completed.
Not a Synopsis and spoiler-free: What is Widow?
As I’ve posted before, Widow is Clover Webster (the Widow) & Malcolm Mason (the Widower). The book is broken into chapters titled with either the Widow or the Widower. I don’t like to compare stories, but the easiest way to describe Widow is to simply say it’s my own rendition of Cheaper by the dozen. Two families combining into one. This is the most romancy book I’ve ever written. This will be my first HEA book as well. The story revolves around our Widow/Widower and their relationship, but it’s the side-characters they show through their voice that sets up the rest of the series. I’ve said before that I make my characters earn their HEA. In this case, the backstory of the main protagonists was their journey to their HEA.
I think it’s time to explain why I began the Playroom series. M&M of Restraint is DARK. Sometimes it’s a bit too dark for me to handle. After writing 7 books back-to-back within this series, I had to step back and find some light. The powerful premise weighs heavily on my soul at times. Fans of M&M may be disappointed in the Playroom if they are looking for twists, turns, secrets, and conspiracies. While the Playroom does have a few hard truths, they are truths we deal with on a day-to-day basis.
I read reviews when a book is first released and especially while I’m writing the continuation. In M&M of Restraint’s case, fans wanted to know more about Ezra, so I gave him a spotlight in Checkmate. Sometimes you have so many characters that it’s hard to give everyone face-time. I don’t forget them, they just blend into the scenery. When looked at constructively, reviews are a great tool, and I am thankful for each and every one of them.
A Good Girl review that I’m not defending myself against brought light to another topic that needs addressed. Opinion is opinion, & I’m okay with that. But it was a great opportunity to explain what the Playroom series was about. Readers are used to my twisted imaginings & that isn’t why I wrote the Playroom. I didn’t write it as BDSM Fiction, either. The Playroom is simply the nexus that connects the characters or frees the character from self-imposed binds. It’s called the Playroom series for a reason. It’s about play.
I would like to thank Bec for this review: Not sure about this one, I enjoyed Willow’s journey and growth, though the ‘surprise’ was entirely too predictable.
After I read this review I realized that I should explain myself. Not to Bec, but readers in general who are expecting more Darkness. I like to write different stories for different readers because I read everything. While I can’t write a saccharine romance novel, because I don’t have the sweet tooth for it, I like something light with a punch to the gut. While M&M of Restraint is a ball-peen hammer to the skull, the Playroom is a slap to the ass. The story revolves around the characters, their interactions and connections, a strong sense of family, and finding your true-self. There is a surprise in Good Girl, but it’s not meant to be a surprise for the readers, rather, a surprise for Willow. She is a kid that’s trying too hard to be an adult. She believes in her family and friends. Remember yourself at 18, a punch to the face is the only clue you’d ever see coming, but not until you’re dealing with the pain.
Willow is a version of my idiot 18 yr old self. I thought I knew everything and would take no advice. Now I’m a 34 yr old idiot, who knows how to take advice and wants to shake the shit out of that 18 yr old girl. Since I can’t do that, I’ll do it to Willow.
I love a good frustrating read, but I can only take so much. I’ve tried to find a happy medium with the Playroom. It has everyday issues that impact most of us that are dampened down with humor. It’s light and romancy, but not so sweet that you get a tummy ache and a cavity. I can’t read books like that, but a lot of readers love them. I thought that the Playroom series is a good middle ground of the dark and twisted nature of Dark Erotica, the sweetness of Erotic Romance, and the coming of age situations of New Adult.
Sometimes when I’m too stressed I love the predictable nature of a reread. I wanted that warm feeling in the Playroom series from the first read-thru. I believe this is what makes the romance reader tick. The comfort, warm feelings, and true-to-life situations. I’ve loved books before but had to put them down when they became too frustrating. I’m sure M&M does this to many a reader.
While hard and edgy readers may find the premise too predictable, I hope that romance readers will find it sweet with a slap to the behind. I am one of those edgy readers. I love a great surprise and that heart palpitating feeling of a thrilling AH-HA moment. But this girl needs some light as she writes. A reader can never understand the stress of living the story out inside your own mind- I’ve lived out every word of Mistress & Master of Restraint series and all the threads that have yet to be revealed. I need to live in a world where there is some warm and fuzzy for a time before I get back to the twisted, dark world that I have to create for KING.
Saccharine Romances: Why I find them annoyingly frustrating
I began my career as a writer because I was dissatisfied with many of the books I was reading. My current reading list screams of this. I currently have at least 10 novels started, most well over 50% read.
(I will not say titles or authors)My current book is the epitome of my issues. I’m a woman who loves an alpha male, as most of my female followers do. The first 25% or so of these saccharine romance novels is the best of the book. The male is strong, gruff, often misunderstood.Yummy, angsty goodness ensues!
(I find this annoying, too)The female is usually a career woman in her early twenties, who is a spunky little spitfire. Hot as F*ck, too! Yet, she is always a mary sue virgin. Yup, they manage to make it through high school, college, and work, without anyone tapping that hot, tight ass… and here comes the alpha male to win her innocence away- this happens without fail, ever freakin’ time. Um… how can you be a mary sue and a spitfire? It’s like saying you’re a geeky badass or a short, tall person. These females are always so cookie cutter, meek, and annoying as hell. and it turns me off. Yeah… us ladies read for the guys.
Back to our alpha male. He is so fine that he woos that lacy thong (on a virgin, no less. *rolls eyes*) right off her perfect ass within hours of meeting her. He is so hot he could melt paint or burn Satan. He’s also a total badass.*Fans self*
Cut to a hot smutty sex scene where our virgin is always shaved bare and an expert (no fumbling embarrassment whatsoever). They connect on a deeper level just hours after meeting. The I love yous flow like water. *Gags*
Next morning my alpha male is a pussy-whipped, spineless doormat. EVERY FREAKIN’ TIME! I get turned the hell off. I’m done- goodbye! “Honey, let me do that for you. We don’t want you to break a nail. Let me carry that for you. Don’t worry your pretty, empty head for a moment…” You get the point… *caresses her cheek and tucks her hair behind her delicate ear*
Does the sun rise in the East? F*ck, yeah, it does. Does our Alpha turn into a doormat? F*ck, yeah, he sure does. I’m like, “What the F*ck, Batman. Where did my alpha go?” *Looks around and only finds vaginas.* “SHIT! I’m not a lesbian. I want a man with a massive set of testicles, because this bitch is the only bitch in this relationship!”
Now I read edgy shit to avoid this kind of trainwreck read. I realize woman love this shit- NOT ME- EVER! Even in small doses. Yeah, out of 10 books I’ve written, I’ve had two virgins. Both were barely legal- like 24-hours legal. One driven by school work and one completely awkward. & never did I make them an irresistible beauty. & their first experiences where filled with an awkward lack of knowledge that said alpha male had to show them the ropes… & no I love yous were spoken. No the sky parted and angel’s descended singing songs of forever. Cut months later in my books… my chicks are still trying to find their way. Why, you ask… Because that is reality.
Yes, romance is supposed to be fantasy, but the Alpha males in these books are throwing off more estrogen than a ff novel. The alpha male’s testosterone dries up once he has a taste of that irresistible, personality-changing cunny.
Edgy reads, dark erotica, slit your wrist reads New Adult, Urban Fanstasy & Paranormal romance is what I read. I try, I really try to get through these books. I even went with menage and mmf or mm. I’m a girl who loves men and women. STRONG personalities! MM just trips my trigger. What’s better than one alpha male? TWO alpha males butting heads over each other. *Fans self for realz* but f*ck if those books didn’t morph into pussy-whipped doormats, too. The mm books just confused the hell out of me. We have two alpha men, and yet, once the deed is done, both are pussy-whipped. Where the hell did the vaginas come from? You’re a dude who gets hot over other dudes, why do you want a dude with a vagina now? Did you suddenly wake up straight?
Oh, I know why… Because it’s some fantasy-living woman writing hardcore stories and she’s never experienced one hardcore moment in her life. You can feel when a female writer just gets the way two men interact or how a man behaves. Ya know why… because they write what flips that switch in their mind, they don’t write what they think a reader wants to read. The chemistry bleeds from the story- and it makes an epic, scorching, hot as f*ck read!
My alpha can go ahead and try to take me in hand, yank my hair and slap my ass… But beware, this bitch has teeth. I’ll fight back because I want a man who earns the right to be alpha. You EARN the right to be my partner, to stand by my side. If I woke up to a pussy in my bed the morning after, there would never be a rematch. I’m not some wilting flower. I’ll ask your ass for help if I need it, and you better do the same in return. We’re equals.
*shrugs* Maybe I’m an original. Maybe everyone else with ovaries find this shit hot. It just annoys the f*ck out of me!
Here’s to the writer who makes an alpha male, perfectly flawed, who behaves as an alpha male from the beginning, middle, and end of the story! *cough cough* make that mary sue a mary sue. If you want a spunk bitch, create a spunky bitch. They are the most entertaining to write, after all.
No one is just a good girl or a bad girl. We are just varying shades of human!
Erica Chilson: The Wicked Writer 