Saccharine Romances: Why I find them annoyingly frustrating

I began my career as a writer because I was dissatisfied with many of the books I was reading. My current reading list screams of this. I currently have at least 10 novels started, most well over 50% read.

(I will not say titles or authors)My current book is the epitome of my issues. I’m a woman who loves an alpha male, as most of my female followers do. The first 25% or so of these saccharine romance novels is the best of the book. The male is strong, gruff, often misunderstood.Yummy, angsty goodness ensues!

(I find this annoying, too)The female is usually a career woman in her early twenties, who is a spunky little spitfire. Hot as F*ck, too! Yet, she is always a mary sue virgin. Yup, they manage to make it through high school, college, and work, without anyone tapping that hot, tight ass… and here comes the alpha male to win her innocence away- this happens without fail, ever freakin’ time. Um… how can you be a mary sue and a spitfire? It’s like saying you’re a geeky badass or a short, tall person. These females are always so cookie cutter, meek, and annoying as hell. and it turns me off. Yeah… us ladies read for the guys.

Back to our alpha male. He is so fine that he woos that lacy thong (on a virgin, no less. *rolls eyes*) right off her perfect ass within hours of meeting her. He is so hot he could melt paint or burn Satan. He’s also a total badass.*Fans self*

Cut to a hot smutty sex scene where our virgin is always shaved bare and an expert (no fumbling embarrassment whatsoever). They connect on a deeper level just hours after meeting. The I love yous flow like water. *Gags*

Next morning my alpha male is a pussy-whipped, spineless doormat. EVERY FREAKIN’ TIME! I get turned the hell off. I’m done- goodbye! “Honey, let me do that for you. We don’t want you to break a nail. Let me carry that for you. Don’t worry your pretty, empty head for a moment…” You get the point… *caresses her cheek and tucks her hair behind her delicate ear*

Does the sun rise in the East? F*ck, yeah, it does. Does our Alpha turn into a doormat? F*ck, yeah, he sure does. I’m like, “What the F*ck, Batman. Where did my alpha go?” *Looks around and only finds vaginas.* “SHIT! I’m not a lesbian. I want a man with a massive set of testicles, because this bitch is the only bitch in this relationship!”

Now I read edgy shit to avoid this kind of trainwreck read. I realize woman love this shit- NOT ME- EVER! Even in small doses. Yeah, out of 10 books I’ve written, I’ve had two virgins. Both were barely legal- like 24-hours legal. One driven by school work and one completely awkward. & never did I make them an irresistible beauty. & their first experiences where filled with an awkward lack of knowledge that said alpha male had to show them the ropes… & no I love yous were spoken. No the sky parted and angel’s descended singing songs of forever. Cut months later in my books… my chicks are still trying to find their way. Why, you ask… Because that is reality.

Yes, romance is supposed to be fantasy, but the Alpha males in these books are throwing off more estrogen than a ff novel. The alpha male’s testosterone dries up once he has a taste of that irresistible, personality-changing cunny.

Edgy reads, dark erotica, slit your wrist reads New Adult, Urban Fanstasy & Paranormal romance is what I read. I try, I really try to get through these books. I even went with menage and mmf or mm. I’m a girl who loves men and women. STRONG personalities! MM just trips my trigger. What’s better than one alpha male? TWO alpha males butting heads over each other. *Fans self for realz*  but f*ck if those books didn’t morph into pussy-whipped doormats, too. The mm books just confused the hell out of me. We have two alpha men, and yet, once the deed is done, both are pussy-whipped. Where the hell did the vaginas come from? You’re a dude who gets hot over other dudes, why do you want a dude with a vagina now? Did you suddenly wake up straight?

Oh, I know why… Because it’s some fantasy-living woman writing hardcore stories and she’s never experienced one hardcore moment in her life. You can feel when a female writer just gets the way two men interact or how a man behaves. Ya know why… because they write what flips that switch in their mind, they don’t write what they think a reader wants to read. The chemistry bleeds from the story- and it makes an epic, scorching, hot as f*ck read!

My alpha can go ahead and try to take me in hand, yank my hair and slap my ass… But beware, this bitch has teeth. I’ll fight back because I want a man who earns the right to be alpha. You EARN the right to be my partner, to stand by my side. If I woke up to a pussy in my bed the morning after, there would never be a rematch. I’m not some wilting flower. I’ll ask your ass for help if I need it, and you better do the same in return. We’re equals.

*shrugs* Maybe I’m an original. Maybe everyone else with ovaries find this shit hot. It just annoys the f*ck out of me!

Here’s to the writer who makes an alpha male, perfectly flawed, who behaves as an alpha male from the beginning, middle, and end of the story! *cough cough* make that mary sue a mary sue. If you want a spunk bitch, create a spunky bitch. They are the most entertaining to write, after all.

No one is just a good girl or a bad girl. We are just varying shades of human!